AIBU to feel stressed by frequent overnight work socials?

[Pat1entzer0]

I started a new job a three months ago. I’m really grateful for the role, it’s a step up and I’m enjoying the work and like the people. It’s a fully UK based company and my role doesn’t face customers, only internally. I used to be in a customer facing role with lots of travel pre-kids and I’ve deliberately moved to a back office role which doesn’t need travel.

the problem I have is that there seems to be a huge culture of overnight socials travelling around the UK. Since I’ve joined, there has been at least one overnight, up to three, every month. It’s awkward to refuse as it’s always positioned as a celebration (a birthday, a farewell, a treat) but it’s really difficult for me. For medical reasons I don’t want to share with my employer, my husband can’t drive and the school run is a car ride away. I keep having to ask for favours from other parents and I feel bad asking again and again, kids are too young for taxis and no family nearby.

I’ve attended every social so far but it’s really difficult and I’m constantly stressing about the next one. To be clear, i am so grateful for the role and I have no trouble travelling to other sites during the day - I use wraparound childcare and I’m happy to travel all in one day, but these socials all take place in the evenings and at night. I’m worried if I decline I’ll be left out of the team or have my card marked. We have more scheduled in Oct, nov and Dec. It means I should be happy in the new job but I spend a lot of my time stressing over these endless nights out.

if you were in my team or you were my boss, what would you think?

Sorry if it’s been said already but this kind of company culture is a massive HR grievance waiting to happen. I remember many (most) workplaces being like this in the nineties, back then it was even expected that you share bedrooms with colleagues. Thankfully (hopefully) a thing of the past.

If i were your manager I would 100% prefer you to tell me that you were finding the socials too much and ducking out sometimes, to you not liking them and sucking it up and it putting you off the job.

If you are good, they will value you and will not want the faff of training up someone new. They'll want to keep you.

That's awkward! Could you start missing every other one with pleas of childcare duties.

So do I just make excuses every other time, or do I have a conversation up front? Is it too soon 3 months into the job?

Your employer must have more money than sense then. I'm quite surprised someone in finance hasn't said something by now. Or does the head of finance go on these jollys?

Oh yeah - Just Say No.

Your line manager really does sound as though he / she needs to get a life outside of work.

I would be using parents evening, play dates, xyz is over for a girlie night etc… anything I could think of to get me out of all of them bar once a quarter.

I’d be fine with you not wanting to come. A lot if people in my team are up front and say they’d rather stay in. As long as they’re getting their job done and are happy at work, then I’m okay and so are the others. We’re all different when it comes to nights out. Don’t overthink it.

I suppose this kind of thing happens when people have no life outside of work.

Some jobs are 24/7 (media) and fall into that way of life by way of the fact it works because you live a different life altogether, but an average 9-5 should not, unless you have no life. That sounds like a regiment and not fun at all, forced fun.

Just tell them the truth. You have a life.