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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to support our homesick young lodger a bit?

45 replies

wishiwasinbarbados · 29/09/2026 16:29

We are empty nesters and rent out a bit of our house to a lodger.
Our house is quite big, so we don't actually see them that much (she has her own kitchen and bathroom to use).
Our lodger at the moment has moved a long way from home (N Scotland) to start her first graduate job in the South East. She is 22.

DH spoke to her yesterday and she said she was struggling with homesickness and generally felt a bit down.
I'd like to help her as she is a really lovely girl, but would that be overstepping the mark? Should we take her to the pub? Or leave her to work it out by herself/friends/family? Are we just landlords, or should we try and help? Obviously I'm not her mum, but I am a mum to my own kids both in their 20's.
I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 29/09/2026 16:31

You could invite her to dinner and chat that would be a kind thing to do.

Boreded · 29/09/2026 16:32

I think it’s nice you want to help her. You can just offer to get her out of the house for a bit while she is still getting settled. I’m sure she will appreciate it, if not she will decline.

CrikeyMajikey · 29/09/2026 16:34

I think it’s a lovely idea. I agree inviting her for dinner would be nice and take it from there.

24Dogcuddler · 29/09/2026 16:35

I’d just ask her and see what she says. Say you don’t want to interfere but if she wants to join you at the pub she’d be very welcome.
I lived with a family during the week when I first started teaching as I didn’t drive then. We ate together though as I didn’t have a kitchen.

Quincy2381 · 29/09/2026 16:36

Are your own children quite sociable? They may be happy to take her out places too being similar ages they could introduce her to others. I think it’ll be nice of you to invite her out/organise a dinner at home

Anothercake · 29/09/2026 16:36

I think dinner is a nice idea, or even just saying you got her some bath stuff so she can have a good soak is a nice way of showing you care without pressure to hang out

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 29/09/2026 16:40

An invitation to do something would be a decent gesture. You are just landlords, but you're also human so it wouldn't be strange to help get her used to the area etc.

I lodged with a lovely couple in Paris when I was a student. I was overwhelmed and a bit lost, they were very kind and helped me in loads of ways.

RosieandRobin · 29/09/2026 16:44

I would absolutely help, maybe just invite her to dinner one night and you could ask if she needs any local knowledge (I assume she may not know anyone in your area) my kids are a similar age and they would never use Facebook but that tends to be the best source of local information/clubs/groups/fitness etc I find.

pinkishtongue · 29/09/2026 16:56

Both my kids have gone and lived as lodgers when they did their work placements, and I’d have loved their landlord to give them a bit of motherly support if they needed it.

Lizzieregina · 29/09/2026 17:00

I don’t think you can ever go wrong with some kindness!

My daughter was on a temporary assignment and had a similar living arrangement with an older couple and they were fantastic and she became firm friends with them. Unfortunately the gentleman has since passed away, but she’s still in touch with the woman.

Morecoffeeneedef · 29/09/2026 17:03

Have a chat and a cup of tea together as often as you can manage and she wants. Don't offer to socialise as she needs to build up her own network. Your role is to be people who know her and wish her well.

boundarysponge · 29/09/2026 17:09

Due to the nature of my training, I had to lodge a few times in different parts of the country when I was young and it can be very isolating. I was always happy to accept a meal or invitation to the cinema/pub quiz until I got more settled and I tried to reciprocate in different ways. A simple act of kindness can make a huge difference. If she’s from a rural area she will be used to a “village” which in my experience is very different and much more social.

Original poster
wishiwasinbarbados · 29/09/2026 17:09

Thanks everyone. I didn't want to come over as being weird!
We're off to the pub tonight so I'll ask if she wants to join us.
I think I'll generally start hanging out more over her side of the house a bit more. Usually I stay out of the lodger's way so they have more privacy.
Maybe I'll let the dogs wander over too as she seems to like them.

OP posts:
Lizzieregina · 29/09/2026 17:17

@wishiwasinbarbados my DD LOVED the dogs in her lodger house! She cried when she left the dogs!

Stickywhitelovepiss · 29/09/2026 17:23

Absolutely extend some kindness! But with caution...

I've had lodgers for the last 13 years - all closer to my age though in their 30s - 60s though, and that very much by design. Some over the years have been more business / transactional relationships, others have become life-long friends.

Just do make sure there are boundaries - especially with such an age gap. She sounds like she could do with some mum vibes - and a hug and a meal or just a drink down the pub could truly be a balm for her.

But you are not her mum, and nor should you be. I'd be concerned that, at her very young age, you could be fostering a dependency, where none should exist.

Sorry to be the voice of caution - but 22 is just so, so very young. Too young to really know what is appropriate or not, especially if she's only just flown the nest. Certainly far too young for me to be dealing with, and I'm only 45!

Original poster
wishiwasinbarbados · 29/09/2026 17:25

@Stickywhitelovepiss
This is why I'm looking for opinions. I want to help, but not to overstep the mark.

OP posts:
Stickywhitelovepiss · 29/09/2026 17:31

Could you perhaps consider something "routine" and "time bound" - like a standing invite to family Sunday lunch, or a regular designated weekly night at the pub - but look to keep it pretty much at that...?

You could position it as not wanting to clip her wings, as at her age she obvs wants to be out and about, being independent with people her old age - not hanging around with the oldsters (even if she does, and obvs you and I are not "oldsters" other than to her, probably!).

Stickywhitelovepiss · 29/09/2026 17:34

Pets ALWAYS a good idea though. She will save you a fortune in dog sitter bills!

Original poster
wishiwasinbarbados · 29/09/2026 17:39

ok. thanks. So, chatts, pub, dogs.
My next question is -
Do I ask her about home, or not mention home and keep the chat local?

OP posts:
seahorsessky · 29/09/2026 17:44

You sound a lovely person. Ask her, I'm sure you will respect her feelings whatever she decides.

AliTheMinx · 29/09/2026 17:53

You sre so kind kind and thoughtful..I think asking her if she'd like to do something would be a lovely gesture, although make it clear that you won't be offended if she'd rather not xx

escapegoats · 29/09/2026 17:59

I would definitely offer. And even small interactions and little acts of kindness can help. It's horribly isolating moving across the country. I didn't realise how odd it would feel.

Theoscargoesto · 29/09/2026 18:02

I guess my answer is, if this was your child, miles from home and a bit lonely, what would you hope a landlady would do or say to support her? If you ask lots of open questions, she can either talk to you or not as she wishes. And I agree that it’s important she doesn’t end up relying on you, but a bit of support now with an awareness of boundaries might make a massive difference to her.

AutumnAugury · 29/09/2026 18:12

Not dinner, but how about a lovely, traditional Sunday lunch. Much easier to control, from a time point of view. 12:30 for pre-lunch drinks, lunch at 1pm and the 14:30 or so the party disperses.
If you have other friends or adult children close enough to invite, all the better.
.

SpookyHalloweenDeviledEggs · 29/09/2026 18:13

Everybody loves a bit of mothering sometimes. A nice meal cooked for her something simple and comforting.