AIBU to feel strange about public marriage proposals?

[LemonChickenandChips]

I’ve just seen a post online about a very public marriage proposal at the end of a theatre production in front of an audience). I’ve seen similar ones in the past - a couple in very public places, restaurants but in front of the customers, and one at a football match (accompanied by a chorus of “say no” from the crowd).

Whenever I see one of these I can’t help thinking they’re ever so slightly attention-seeking, not very intimate or personal, and mildly coercive (in the sense it’s hard to say no in front of a load of strangers).

AIBU? I’m happy to be told I’m just projecting my own idea of a ‘good’ proposal onto other people’s and everyone is different. However, I wondered if anyone felt the same.

I will never forget an article quite a few years ago- the story behind a public proposal.

basically this proposal has gone the equivalent of viral (before social media) because the man had proposed at some big basketball game, on the event camera, so it was beamed across the arena, and the woman had said no.

she was criticised for her coldness, for humiliating him, and he got a lot of sympathy for the poor bloke a woman humiliated

the article years later revealed the basketball game was their SECOND DATE and that he turned into her stalker.
He was an awful creep- wanted a virtual stranger to be pressured into marrying him, and then wouldn’t leave her alone when she said no. He was imprisoned for it.

I makes my toes curl. There was one at parkrun - planned and known in advance. They were a nice couple. I was happy for them, but had to hide round the corner rather than witness it.

On that occasion, I think it was all staged and the bride knew it was coming, I.e. he knew she'd say yes, but agree with PP about the manipulation of asking in a way that makes it difficult to say no.

TBH the whole proposal thing seems ridiculous to me. In ye olden days, marriage might have been a woman's route to financial security, so the man was actually giving her something by proposing. Now, women give far more to a marriage than men (expected to contribute financially as well as all the rest), so I'm not sure why it's such a big honour to be asked.

I guess some women want the 'big gesture' public proposal, but it's not for me! My DH proposed to me when we were cuddled up in bed & I was very happy that it was just the two of us. We've been married 36 years ☺️ I always worry with a public proposal that the recipient will feel pressured to say yes when she doesn't want to!!

I don't like them. You risk humiliation for the one being asked if they don't want it. You risk humiliation if you're asking and they turn you down. It means there's a lot of pressure to say yes - which is fine if it's what you've been waiting for, but if you're unsure it makes it very awkward.

Totally depends on the individual. I would have thought that before the proposal happens people have probably had this exact conversation with their partner before, so their partner is aware what kind of proposal they would like.

Mine happened at home, and I got a 24 hour warning before, as my husband knows I don’t like surprises and don’t like public attention. Many people do like surprises and being the subject of public attention and would have found my proposal absolutely horrible, but I expect their future spouse is aware of their preferences before they propose.

I agree with other posters that proposals aren’t necessary at all - should be a private discussion and agreement between a couple.
However, if it’s what people want to do, then go ahead and enjoy it as long as I don’t have to watch.

I remember a female cyclist getting gold in the 2012 Olympics and as she got off the bike, out of breath and before she was even draped in the flag, up rushed her bf to propose. Poor woman didn't even get 1 min to enjoy the spotlight alone for her amazing achievement. I recall there were comments on MN at the time too!

Who says we didn't talk about it? We had been together for nine years when he proposed, we had talked about our future extensively. Still would have been nice to be taken somewhere a surprised with a ring.

Well it’s a shame you weren’t on the same page, but I think you’re missing the importance of having a partner who discussed it properly, did it during an intimate moment without any pretence and was committed to marriage over someone who is performative. I suspect the former makes a much better husband!

I would hate a public proposal. Terrible idea.

You're not wrong, OP - in my view, they're just tacky.
I would refuse to marry someone on principle, if they thought this was a good idea!
I also find them somewhat coercive, as it very hard to say "no" when a stadium full of people is watching.

I had a public proposal once, in front of a pub full of his colleagues, who had all been primed before I even got there. It was horrendous. I had been having some quite serious second thoughts about dating him at all as he was a bell end and I had ignored my disquiet. Anyway, I said yes so as not to publicly embarrass him, later told him I would wear the ring but that I had no intention of marrying him.

I broke it off quite soon afterwards, he threatened to kill himself. Came round to my house drunk, shouting and roaring and the police arrested him and carted him off. He wrote to me for years and years after that telling me I had made the biggest mistake of my life, didn’t know what I was throwing away, we were meant for one another etc. I ended up moving house to avoid him and keep all social media locked down so he can’t find me.

Even after 30 years he managed to track me down last year and messaged me through FB messenger, despite me having a new surname.

So yes, I would agree public proposals are performative and coercive, and usually done by emotionally stunted men.

That’s chilling. Good on you for having the guts and cop on to get out of it so quickly.

Performative at best, manipulative and coercive at worst, when others get roped in to cheer along. Just no!

They are coercive and should never happen.

Utterly grim. Performative, narcissistic and controlling.

I would refuse one on principle.

I’ve always wondered about these performative, public proposals. What if you wanted to say no? Or would you be embarrassed into saying yes, and then giving the ring back later?

I agree. The whole concept of a proposal is outdated and cringeworthy.

Sure i wouldn't habe wanted one but if it works for the couple why on earth does it matter?

Because if someone is publicly put on the spot about something so important:

a) it suggests the couple don’t communicate properly and aren’t on the same page on goals and have not properly understood what marriage involves
b) suggests a horrible old fashioned perspective from the bloke that “they all want a proposal”as if marriage is the goal of every woman’s life
c) its all about attention and drama (and, these days, social media)
d) unless you are a total diva its embarrassing
e) its just naff

Totally agree. It's the coerciveness that I find most troubling. The attention-seeking is just a matter of taste and a future-bride may be totally on-board with the exhibitionism and performativeness. I also know that there are some people who let their partner know loud and clear that they want a proposal so IF that's the case and IF she's in favour of exhibitionism then it's ok - especially if she's been pre-warned. If the couple haven't already talked about it and the proposer doesn't actually know in advance that the proposal will definitely be accepted then putting someone on the spot in a showy exhibition where saying "no" would cause embarrassment or offense is bordering on abusiveness and doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship in future.

Ever so slightly?🤣i'm with you but i actually think that men find these sort of things easier... it is out of their hands as such, the crowd carry it along , they think it ' means more'. Me .. i think it lacks intimacy and super cringe. IABU too, and i inow it😂

No they are awful, all for insta. The best proposals are private, not filmed or snapped and brought up as an anecdote by the couple involved over the years.

But isn't it up to the person being proposed too what they think, only their opinion matters

Because the pressure to say yes whether or not you want to or not is overwhelming.