AIBU to feel strange about public marriage proposals?

[LemonChickenandChips]

I’ve just seen a post online about a very public marriage proposal at the end of a theatre production in front of an audience). I’ve seen similar ones in the past - a couple in very public places, restaurants but in front of the customers, and one at a football match (accompanied by a chorus of “say no” from the crowd).

Whenever I see one of these I can’t help thinking they’re ever so slightly attention-seeking, not very intimate or personal, and mildly coercive (in the sense it’s hard to say no in front of a load of strangers).

AIBU? I’m happy to be told I’m just projecting my own idea of a ‘good’ proposal onto other people’s and everyone is different. However, I wondered if anyone felt the same.

I don't think the overwhelming majority of people would think you were in the least unreasonable to think they're fundamentally coercive!

There's one on Youtube that I always find comically horrifying. Some guy proposes in the middle of the court at halftime at a big US basketball final, in front of a huge, enthusiastic crowd. The woman looks shocked, and not in a good way, and after a ghastly pause, just turns and runs away, while the team mascot covers his eyes with his furry hands.

I would hate it. But it doesn't really bother me that other people want that for themselves.

This must be the one I was thinking of. How dreadful. Poor women.

I am suspicious of public proposals that are filmed then put on social media. I am a cynic, but I don't think the marriage will last because the proposer just wants to look good for the world, there's always an image and aesthetic to hold onto, and I don't think much thought would have been given to keeping the relationship stable or how the marriage will work.

Typically these days people have decided upon marriage mutually but then the groom typically has the pressure to produce and direct an insta worthy proposal, bizarre if you ask me but dsd assures me this is the way now. She knew the date it was going to happen even so she could do hair and makeup!

'Imagine if women did it in reverse with “I’ve decided we’re going to have a baby, are you on board” (and in public!) what other big life decision do you just spring on someone without talking about it? It feels “oh IVE decided you’re good enough, you can marry me now, lucky you!”'

Oh my god, this is SUCH a good point! 😂 Agree with you that proposals should have gone out with the ark.

I particularly don't like the coercive side of this - the pressure to accept with all the crowd looking on

Agreeing to marry someone should be a joint decision after a lot of communicating and time spent together.

It is mainly for clicks and likes. Each to their own. I wouldn’t like the fuss but can see how young people have been taught this is normal raised in the social media age.

Totally cringe but hopefully the person being proposed to doesn’t think so! I’d die.

I think they’re often quite sinister. There are cases where later women have said they were in abusive relationships and this was a way of controlling them - proposing in the knowledge they’d be too embarrassed to say no in public.

It's the increasing stage-management of life which frustrates me. I saw a video the other day of a proposal, taking place in a really beautiful location, clearly a private garden/stately home type place. It was being very professionally filmed but a staff member came up to the videographer whilst filming, to tell him that they were in a private area and were not allowed to be there. He got angry with the staff member and the bride-to-be was in tears over the ruining of her special moment. The comments on the video were 100% behind her, calling out the horrible jobsworth staff member.

We seem to have a generation of people who can't just laugh things off and move on. When DH proposed to me, we were on holiday and he found a lovely spot in a little village. We were vaguely aware of there being a tourbus in the area but we had a car and were exploring on our own, which was great until he was down on one knee and we were suddenly interrupted by a group of women and children very concerned that our bus was about to leave without us - he was dragged to his feet and we were propelled towards the main street, despite our protests that we were not part of the tour and were actually trying to have a moment...

But that has become a favourite story in our family, and the hilarity of it just adds to the joy of the day in my memories. Nowadays everything is staged and scripted and if it doesn't go to plan then it's a disaster, and we're losing the opportunity for anecdotes and storytelling because it's all captured picture perfect.

I realise I'm slightly off topic so also want to say that yes, I also think that public proposals have a hint of coercion behind them.

Dear God! At least you got a good story out of it.

@AgentCooperdreamsofTibet 🤣🤣🤣

I agree with the poster who said they hate the staged hand to mouth fake shocked pose. Pretty much every colleague/friends offspring has photos of the proposals with that pose. On a Disney forum I saw a photo of two couples both coincidently proposing to their girlfriends in front of the Disney castle both girlfriends had the same hand to mouth pose.

I have told this story before on here. My nieces ex friend tragically lost her boyfriend in a horrific attack. My niece and friends bought her flowers and gifts, once she was presented with them she realised nobody recorded her walk in, so she done it again, wailing, mock shock and gratitude for the gifts. Absolutely pathetic.
As the adults we should have been more responsible teaching them that every celebration has to be up for likes.

Yes, a colleague of mine had a major career success and we all went to the pub after the celebration event and her boyfriend proposed there… I felt really uncomfortable and that he was trying to make her success all about him, or something. Anyway, over a decade on and they’re still married and apparently happy so perhaps I was wrong. I still remember cringing, though!

They’re usually mutually decided no!?
Surely the perfect nails and matching outfits are not a coincidence.

I mean, there is a happy medium. It’s not a straight choice between football stadium or no effort.

It’s not what I’d want but if someone else wants to do it I’m not bothered.

I couldn’t think of anything worse personally, but I’m sure some people would love it. It’s up to the person proposing to know what would be the best way to go about it.

I watched an old episode of Airline recently where a man proposed to his girlfriend on the plane. It was the most awkward interaction I have ever seen, the woman clearly didn’t want to say yes but felt pressured to with the camera crew there and the public nature of the proposal. I don’t think they’d been together long and she was clearly bewildered.

That’s my main concern with public proposals, what if the person being proposed to ends up feeling pressured to say yes? Something about it feels coercive. But I appreciate that for some, this way of proposing would work for them.

Blimey. I've now got visions of a skeletal hand rising out of the earth and giving a thumbs up!

I am not a fan of them but each to their own. I do wonder sometimes are they doing the big performance because they are nervous that otherwise the other person might say no.

I think you can do a meaningful proposal but do not have to make it a public show.

I think this is my problem with them. Can the person say ' no thanks'? Presumably the proposer is someone they have spent a significant amount of time with, who they hopefully love and don't want to publicly humiliated, but what off they don't want to marry them either? It seems a bit controlling.

I think people are mixing up public proposal with proposal they see on social media.

public proposal happens in front of loads of people in real time.

Cringeworthy and coercive