AIBU to stop buying presents for an adult child who never acknowledges mine

[HoneyDaily]

Would you continue to buy Christmas/ Birthday presents for adult child who doesn’t acknowledge you on yours , not even with a card.

I'd have a conversation about it with them first. I don't think it’s unreasonable or ‘too much’ to expect an adult child to wish their parent a happy birthday or Christmas - a small token gift and card or treating them to coffee and a cake is hardly much to expect.

I don't agree with just not saying anything for years, storing resentment and then doing the same back. Just be honest and upfront and give them a chance to turn it around.

Also if you chat to them and they say they’re just not fussed or don't put importance on such events, that's maybe an opening to say, well shall we agree moving forward that that's what we’ll both do? They might be happy with that and then at least you’ve removed the expectation and you won't feel as resentful about it.

That’s great advice @HatAndScarf33 thank you.

I would have a conversation first but think you're right to be feeling hurt that your child can't even give you a card. That's just thoughtless at best. Do they give other people cards/presents on birthdays and Christmas?

I'd be very hurt.

If you buy them a birthday present, do they thank you?

At Christmas do you hand over a gift in person and they don't give you anything?

Do they actually want gifts? Most people now are aware of the environmental impact of gift giving. I may be projecting as I really don't like gifts ......

Sound advice.

Context is missing. How old is the DC? What is the relationship like ordinarily?

There is a massive difference between an 18 year old adult who lives at home in education and treated as a dependent to a 25 year old adult who lives and works independently. There is a whole spectrum in between too.

I’m struggling to understand a world where a person doesn’t thank someone for a gift and I’m afraid the first thing I think is “who raised that person?”, personally don’t think it’s ever too late to parent some manners! Talk to them about it and reiterate the importance of manners, even if they’re 40!

Well, people are their own people. My best friend and his younger brother are lovely guys. The third brother is a drug dealer, has been in prison, is estranged from wife and kids due to dv...
If you judge the parents for the drug dealer they are shit parents, they raised him. If you only knew the two others you´d think they´re great. They themselves say they just don´t know what happened with the criminal. That´s just who he is.

@Katiesaidthat unless OP is about to drip feed that the delayed response is due to tgem being in prison, I think your example is a stretch. Even then, I bet a lot of wrong’uns still thank their mum for a present!

Manners are built into a person from an early age by those who raise them. If an adult child of mine didn’t thank me, we’d be putting our parent/child hats back on pretty quickly for a moment!

I don't think there's any excuse for not acknowledging a parent on their birthday, unless you are a) estranged, b) the parent doesn't 'believe' in birthdays, or c) there are genuine logistical blockers.

Does your child send you a message at least OP, or do your birthdays literally pass unacknowledged?

I stopped buying for my nieces when they became adults. They never so much as acknowledged that the gifts I sent had even arrived. Now I send a card for Christmas and birthdays and that’s it.

Perhaps they just don't like it? I'm autistic and find the entire rigmarole of gift and card giving between adults pointless and exhausting.

She'd probably have mentioned if they were autistic. Everyone always does.

And THEY should've mentioned it if they don't like it, to save her some money.

But even with autism, do you not thank someone who has made the effort with you, not so much as a text? You recognise that when someone has made the effort, whether you like the end result or not you acknowledge the process and thank them?

How did they get to be an adult without being taught basic manners? My DD is a child and she has been taught since tiny. Cards, handmade gifts, now she has a weekend job it’s sometimes bought things.

I assume this is your adult child. So what did you teach?

Not really. Because that will just encourage them to do it again next year. And, in my experience, any request to not give me presents just gets roundly ignored.

I've had this conversation with two other family members this week and we've all decided, independently and at different ages of the adult child, to cease bothering. No thanks, no acknowledgement of our own birthdays, so we aren't doing it either.

Is this your child? If so I’d maybe chat to them first. But if neice/nephew or friends child then just stop.

To continue my previous post: there's a lot going on with gift giving, and it has very little to do with the physical items in question. It's more to do with maintaining a formalised network of reciprocal obligation.

I feel really uncomfortable getting an unsolicited gift, because I then know I'm going to have to add "Thank so and so" to my already overwhelming list of things to do, plus then remember their birthday, find them a suitable gift, etc etc...

.Plus I find that gifts are rarely things you actually want. When I used to spend Christmas with my parents, I was always asking if the adults could not exchange presents, but they would always refuse. So I would spend a lot of time making up little hampers of local products, sourcing interesting hand made stuff etc for everyone- because what's the point of exchanging presents unless they're nice and heartfelt?- one for mum, one for dad, one for DB, one for SIL- only to get things like a voucher "from mum and dad", or something grabbed off the shelf in Boots "from DB and SIL".

I mean, what is even the point then? It's just an empty, pointless gesture- a relational tick box exercise- isn't it?

Even with parents bringing up children to say thank you, is seems to have lapsed in adulthood, in many cases. Donors don't expect a thank you letter but a text would be fine. Major birthdays went unacknowledged so we thought bugger it! It's saving us several hundred pounds a year (not my children).

@crackofdoom you sound like you make life unnecessarily difficult. Texting someone thank you is not exactly an arduous task is it? I agree it’s fine to mutually say no gifts and not have to buy them, but it’s never ok not to say thank you. You could say “thank you, but I said no gifts, I’m still not buying gifts”. They’ll get the message eventually.

No. No need for a chat. Just stop buying for them. A chat would be awkward like you are forcing them to acknowledge your birthday.
They’ll get the message when you stop buying.

You shouldn't need to ask OP.

Yes. Yes, if you are neurodivergent, this kind of thing can be very arduous indeed. We're not all the same you know.