DS screams at EVERYTHING

[thisismeithinkorisit]

and I should point out he's 12, not 4.

it used to be his method of communicating as he was pretty much non verbal til gone 4, and largely incomprehensible for a bit after that.

but it's everything.

he kicks his toe or someone bumps into him, he screams. like someone is butchering him. Hair brushing. His younger siblings seemingly doing anything he doesn't like.

The medical stuff is fair enough, needles and injections etc., he screams hysterically even before it's in but I get that, it's fear.

but like tonight, one so long fell over, other tried to grab him to save him and knocked a plate of food onto the floor braking the plate. he SCREAMED at the one who knocked it off, really upset sibling and yet have e fails to understand that he's done anything wrong.

They'd already been arguing over telly, so DH said it was going off, he screams at that too. any time the TV etc is turned off as a consequence he's screaming hysterically "noooooo!" totally out of control. and it's not like it's always on, we have one in the living room, no personal screens, he'll sometimes turn it off himself and declare a screen break

but it's like ever little thing tips him into overwhelmed but then the stuff is all fairly minor, there's nothing I can establish has happened in school (yr7), there's no issues in the home that I'm aware of beyond annoying younger siblings.

he does have autism but is on mainstream school and coping well in school

I just feel like such a failure that he behaves this way at home and feels like I've failed the man he will be one day.

I can't speak based on his age but I hear you. My DS4 did this up until VERY recently. Any minor inconvenience (mostly things he didn't want to do) was screaming tears for a looong time. He also has ASD and is being moved to the mainstream setting in the school in due time. I think it is just his autism. I found that what helped me was just to react as if nothing was happening everytime he started screaming at silly things. Once he didn't get that reaction from me / those around him it extinguished the behaviour because it wasn't having the desired effect.

Idk if this is the case for your son but worth giving it a go. I get kids with ASD do things like this and some people say you should just let them, it's part of their condition. But in instances like that, it is learned behaviour they are almost using as a tool. They need to be taught what is and is not acceptable to the best of our ability.

Solidarity though. It's fucking hard. Some days I just don't know how I'm going to manage until the end of the day, but we always do... hang in there. Hope it gets sorted.

I think I'd also try ignoring it too. Pretend like nothing is happening.

With the TV turn it off and leave the room.

It sounds like no fun for you at all but if he's controlling it at school, he can learn to at home.

I don't have experience with autism but we had similar with my suspected ADHD middle, we got round it via the floor is lava! Almost complete accident - she used to flip out at any sudden thing like breakages, spills etc. When she learnt how to play the floor is lava I ran with it and said that's the way we react to anything like that - we shout "alert alert" and get on a cushion etc. The change was immense, laughing instead of screaming, and no more meltdowns! No idea if it would help an older child but something similar could be worth a try?

I was actually going to say this sounds like my very high functioning 13 year old who has ASD.

It is getting better. We typically ignore the shout for the most part if it is out of room, if it’s in the same room we just say ‘ouch that looks like it hurt - do you want help or do you want to calm down on your own’

If a reaction to something like the TV being turned off, we just walk away and say ‘I won’t respond to that but come have a chat when you’re ready’

I will say it’s definitely something he can control because I know he masks this reaction at school and in front of friends - so I think home is his safe space to let it out.

Avoid telling him off, or shouting (easier said than done done I know) and just continue to model calm reactions and don’t react. It’s the staying calm on the parents end that stops the escalation

My son did this consistently until the start of year 7, and now it’s maybe once or twice a month he will react like this and it de escalates quickly 95% of the time (he does still have meltdowns but they are not as prevalent)

There is a Simpsons episode with a screaming creature, called the Screamapillar I think. Does his dad have a jokey relationship with him, could you play him that and laugh about it? (Perhaps not with other siblings present if there’s any chance they would make fun.)

The reason I suggest this is that our best parenting result of all time was playing The Fast Show’s Kevin the Teenager to our DD with suspected autism when she was that age. She was literally exactly like him, found it funny and curbed it!

Can you try to find a forum for mothers of autistic boys? He needs to be managed differently to other children because of the sensory sensitivities autism causes. Things like unexpected noises, physical experiences like brushing hair, switching focus or activities can be very difficult for him to manage. There are strategies to help him manage these. An autism specialist/ advisor/ group for parents could help you make things easier for him and yourself. His experiential world is different to most people’s and understanding it would help you to help him manage it.

controlling or masking tho? it's not the same is it, and I don't know whether he copes at school because he doesn't have to at home?

ignoring the hysteria is one thing, but he screams at his brother's so I can't just ignore that. he was actually hurt the other day and I under reacted because I just assumed he was over reacting. iyswim.

I do need to learn to breathe through it tho. he screams, the siblings start, I have to raise my voice to be heard over it all, it all escalates and we both / all end up overwhelmed

You need Ross greene. Look at the lagging skills. See what ds is finding hard in these moments

I think if he manages to not do it at school, there is some element of control there within him. Call it masking if you want but he is still able to control that behaviour in himself.

If he screams at his siblings, they need to walk away just like you will. Getting everyone heightened won't be helping anyone, and like you say, meant you under reacted. In a calm moment with your DS you could explain that "the screaming means I'm struggling to care for you properly. The other day, you screamed and I assumed it was over nothing wheras you'd actually really hurt yourself. This is a problem which can be solved by you only screaming when you are actually physically hurt. From now on I've told your siblings to walk away if you scream over something that isn't you hurting, and I will be doing the same."

Guide them calmly out of the room. That’s what I do. I have three boys and I gently take them out of the room until they are in separate places and just say ‘I can’t hear or respond to shouting’ This behaviour takes a long time to change - we paid for family therapy and it took years. masking and control are two different things, but we do need to teach our autistic child appropriate responses and behaviours regardless of their diagnosis (I am not saying you don’t already).

Also don’t try take all of them on at once - that makes you a referee. Always try and separate before you deal with the behaviour. Easier for you to stay calm and gives your kids some time to just calm down too.

thanks @Tunnocks34, I appreciate knwi99it isn't just us

@Minasamaim not sure he'd see the humour in it tbh although I might give it a watch myself .

I never sought any support from autism charities etc cos I kinda felt like we didn't warrant it or deserve it, like it's hard to tell the autism in him at times, or just neither of us are nt enough to think he's "severe" enough to warrant extra help

This is so familiar with my 12yo ASzd DD. It escalated sooo quickly when she's tired, hormonal, hungry, anything. We stretched our budget to buy a house with two lounge spaces specifically so we could separate her and her younger also autistic sister, whilst it not feeling like a punishment too much.

I have explained the under reacting stuff to him, but yes trying to get the boys to walk away instead of screaming back is a good idea. little one wouldn't forgive him tonight l, he does normally, wouldn't hug him goodnight etc and I did say, and have said previously, this is what happens. he won't be your friend any more. and that upsets him, that makes him sad but then the next time....

gah!! I feel such a shit parent

Friend with autism says noise/stress feels like pain, so while everyone is different, for him it might be the equivalent of someone smashing a plate on your head, or hearing some terrible news-you would scream. Are there any local support groups that might be helpful for you to attend, to get advice from other parents going through similar, that you can meet relgularly?

Has it got worse since starting yr7 this year OP?

I expect new school, lots of new people, timetables and room changes etc are a lot for him to handle. The fact that he is working so hard to "control" it at school is exactly why he's falling apart at home not evidence that he shouldn't be.
That isn't to say just let him get on with it, he needs to learn better ways of expressing upset and frustration, but it's a long game. He can't just turn it off

How long does it last? Is he crying or just actually screaming? With the "nooo" at the telly, is it an angry shout or a distraught sob?
Have there been any successful strategies before that now don't seem to be working for him? Example: My friends son has a quiet space to go to with a basket of resources in. It took a long time of her taking him there and sitting with him until he calmed down(so it wasn't him being sent away for punishment), but now more often than not he'll make his upset/disapproval known at a reasonable volume and then go hide out there for a bit, or head straight in there for a little while after school like he's recharging his batteries. They also worked on phrases/script to use when something is bothering him. Giving him the vocabulary definitely helped.

I feel like sometimes when DS is under a higher level of stress it's like he loses access to higher functions of speech and only has access to things like screaming. Sometimes I get luckier and rather than scream he will grunt, prod items at me that he wants me to interact with or use facial expression (and if looks could kill I tell you...)

Sometimes e.g. if we are in public too close to other people, he tends to just go mute instead which I think is recognised as situational mutism (no other bugger except me acknowledges that he is doing this though).

Or sometimes he will use single words in that kind of situation. It tends to be when he is beyond exhausted. Honestly I get it because I sometimes get to a level of tired where my brain just won't form coherent words to my mouth any more.

I have wondered about using an AAC type thing at times like that, did he have anything like that when he was younger? I am seeing more about them online but I think maybe they are more often used in the US? There are AAC apps you can download to any phone/tablet.

You are not shit. You're dealing with something immensely hard that there is even less of a manual for than the regular stuff.

You sound like you do a lot to understand and communicate, it's OK that it's a work in progress, it probably always will be.

Next time he screams and you know is chosen behaviour get on the floor and scream as well . Whilst having also given the other kids the heads up that it’s a one time deal but in your nod we all start screaming.
he will look around at how ridiculous it is and hopefully stop doing it.
he’s old enough to know himself it looks silly which is why he doesn’t do it at school now he needs to know it’s also to silly to do at home

Dumbest advice ever 🙄

will have a Google, thanks

Yes, absolutely what an overwhelmed autistic child needs is even more stimulation 🙄

no particularly worse, I think we'd hoped it would actually get better cos he's had a low grade but long term medical thing that's finally been resolvedbab8hooed that his body not dealing with that would somehow translate into less of this.

screaming as in aagghhhh and then just shouting at speaking to us / shouting at us really rudely.

like today they share a table for dinner but after all that I needed them apart. so I told him to sit on the floor instead of at the table. he screams at me about being treated like a slave. I point out he's not been asked to do a single thing apart from to eat, and I will sit oj the floor with him (which i did) and he's still screaming "it's like I'm a slave, this is the worst day ever, im sorry i got you X now (present)" and it all feels so frikkin disproportionate!! like obv I'm making him react this way, I'm doing something wrong that makes him feel this out of control!

tbh We've always struggled with managing this, it depends on part on my capacity to tolerate it as I feel so overwhelmed with the noise too

yeah, was gonna say, this doesn't help. because whilst he can control it at school, I don't think he's actively choosing it in that moment and he's so out of control at that point that the extra input will just be even more overwhelming

no, he was an only child with high level medical needs so we just pandered to his every grunt and noise 😂 we did some makaton but he was surrounded by a lot of attention so got good at communicating his needs I guess.

he will shout when out and about but less so than at home, and VERY rarely at school but he is surprisingly a rule follower, HATES being in trouble altho responds to it by screaming if he's at home (cos that helps!!).

I just feel like by now we should have got a grip on it, his autism "isn't that bad", and it's hard to tell with his siblings what's learnt behaviour and copying Vs their own possible NTisms

I have two with ASD one with ADHD so been there, got the t-shirt. But honestly at his age I would be ignoring it/giving him a funny look and moving away. Never pandering to it. Of course they need a soft place to fall at home, particularly being ND, but it is also our job to get them ready for the world.
Talk to him when he is calm, work on coping strategies etc. But make it clear we won't be getting our way by screaming our head off, and screaming at other people is particularly unacceptable.