DS screams at EVERYTHING

[thisismeithinkorisit]

and I should point out he's 12, not 4.

it used to be his method of communicating as he was pretty much non verbal til gone 4, and largely incomprehensible for a bit after that.

but it's everything.

he kicks his toe or someone bumps into him, he screams. like someone is butchering him. Hair brushing. His younger siblings seemingly doing anything he doesn't like.

The medical stuff is fair enough, needles and injections etc., he screams hysterically even before it's in but I get that, it's fear.

but like tonight, one so long fell over, other tried to grab him to save him and knocked a plate of food onto the floor braking the plate. he SCREAMED at the one who knocked it off, really upset sibling and yet have e fails to understand that he's done anything wrong.

They'd already been arguing over telly, so DH said it was going off, he screams at that too. any time the TV etc is turned off as a consequence he's screaming hysterically "noooooo!" totally out of control. and it's not like it's always on, we have one in the living room, no personal screens, he'll sometimes turn it off himself and declare a screen break

but it's like ever little thing tips him into overwhelmed but then the stuff is all fairly minor, there's nothing I can establish has happened in school (yr7), there's no issues in the home that I'm aware of beyond annoying younger siblings.

he does have autism but is on mainstream school and coping well in school

I just feel like such a failure that he behaves this way at home and feels like I've failed the man he will be one day.

We watched a LOT of Tracy Beaker and talked about the emotions (well, I did...) Tracy does love a shout!

My DD17 Audhd is getting better at this. For her yes it’s a massive anxiety spike so I address it immediately, hey hey it’s ok it’s just a dropped plate there is nothing to get anxious about. Then I put a hand on for firm reassurance. Once they start recognising or acknowledging the actual feeling they are getting it starts getting easier.

It does not sound like he's coping well at all.

I'd talk to his school, but I'd also be clear to support younger siblings who are affected by his behaviour, rather than trying to teach them ignoring and walking away from screaming. They need to know it's not an ok behaviour and they have right to be upset/scared/want space, ND sibling or not.

My DS1 was like this, to a lesser degree now he’s 15 all As and Bs in his GCSEs but still finds school HARD also have younger ones who get effected by it - having someone to talk to who gets it really helped me so definitely seek out support.

I thnk this is where i fail cos what I walk into is an upset 6 yo who's been screamed at, and my priority is him not the kid doing the screaming, so DH has the screamed at child, i have the one who fell over or in different circs is also being screamed at and i lack the capacity to treat the screaming child like he's the most vulnerable one.

he screams at me about being treated like a slave. I point out he's not been asked to do a single thing apart from to eat, and I will sit oj the floor with him (which i did) and he's still screaming... this is the worst day ever...and it all feels so frikkin disproportionate!! like...I'm doing something wrong that makes him feel this out of control!

This sounds very much like dysregulation. Essentially they can get into a state where everything just builds up and they can't handle the kinds of things they normally would be able to handle, like slight disappointment over not sitting at the table, and everything to them feels extremely magnified, so they react in proportion to the magnified slight rather than the actual one. (Or TBF for DS2, it would also be small changes to routine or what "normally" happens - this is incredibly dysregulating to him and he can only handle that if his capacity was wide open).

It won't be anything that you have done specifically. Dysregulation when it builds up like this is nobody's "fault", it just is like the sort of Buckaroo thing where they have one more one more one more and suddenly they have hit the limit and they just can't. There might be things you can do proactively which can help hold off the limit a bit more (which is not the same, BTW, as saying you are doing things wrong by not doing this.)

I would recommend Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg which explains this well, albeit in a very rambling way. Or Robyn Gobbel's Big Baffling Behaviours is a bit more practical in terms of how to recognise it and what to do, but doesn't go into as much detail about how it happens in the first place or what you can try to reduce it proactively. The Ross Greene book is good for figuring out "outside the box" solutions which work even when your child doesn't have the skill/capacity yet, and can also help you work out which demands to temporarily drop, which can help lower the amount of dysregulating things in his life.

Dan Siegel calls it the "Window of Tolerance" so you can also google that for some info/context - when everything is calm and familiar and low stress for them, then their window of tolerance becomes bigger, whereas when everything is building up and they are struggling to manage it, the window (range of stress they can cope with) is much smaller.

We all have a window of tolerance - you describe "not having capacity" to manage two screaming children (absolutely - who would??) so this is an example of something outside your window of tolerance, and you probably know how that window feels even smaller when you're tired or stressed or dealing with sensory overwhelm, it's the same for children, particularly ND children.

I think this is why the whole idea of severity levels for autism is misleading, because you can think well his autism isn't bad so he should be able to cope or we should be able to manage it - realistically it's normal for everyone to have different capacity during different times, and it can be much more acute with autism. His medical needs have perhaps reduced but maybe he has bigger needs in different ways at the moment.

I do have sympathy with you but why have more than one child as it seems to run in your family

Mine do have sen but mainstream. Screaming is straight to bedroom for 10 mins when they reached 8 yrs old as consequnce. Then I will go up and check after 5 mins calmly. If they respond by screeching I leave it for another 5 mins.
I cant abide screaming or screeching as sets me on edge.

How is this helpful? She doesn’t have a time machine. My youngest is special needs it doesn’t make his life any less worth living or mean he should be euthanised.
jesus fucking Christ

No need to swear ! I am sorry about your child It’s good he has you for a mother

You just said he has autism. Are you expecting him to behave in a normal way when things go wrong. His body is changing and he is having difficulty with these new feelings. He will heed extra help with regulating himself.

This sounds like something that you should try OP.
Slowly he’ll start associating screaming with the consequences and start controlling himself as he’s doing at school.

It’s ok I get it. Took me a couple of years to get this sorted. But, remember the main source of the angst is your SEN DC who is screaming so this is the behaviour that needs the immediate attention. Once that DC calms down they can apologise to the others impacted. Eventually the screaming will stop or migrate to something like a jig on the spot or something lesser. Your SEN dc needs help to recognise it as anxiety and then to regulate.