To wish DH would argue back?

[Engield]

When I criticise or raise an issue with DH, he doesn’t argue back, he doesn’t challenge it, he just apologises and says he didn’t realise.

Sometimes I wish he’d just argue back, have a go, instead of just agreeing with me.

Sometimes he looks like he’s about to tell me to fuck off or have a go and he just doesn’t.

AIBU to want to be challenged a bit? He used to in the past but now I get the impression it’s just anything for a quiet life and that he just says he agrees whether he does or not.

What would happen if he did argue? Would you argue back? Do you back down?

perhaps he’s decided it’s not worth it

I think this is more favourable to a full on argument personally!

Why would you want someone to tell you to fuck off and have a go at you?
Maybe he's fed up of your beligerence and just can't be bothered 🤷‍♀️

I just think clearing the air is good for a relationship. I think he’s just storing up resentment when we could get it out in the open.

Hes probably just worn down from years of nagging and criticism

I am not someone who argues. Life is too short, especially about irrelevant stuff. I went out with a girl like you once, she thought as you do. It ended not because of any built up resentment on my part, but because she was always spoiling for a fight, and I couldn't be bothered.

Surely it is better to discuss things like adults than it is to argue?

I stopped arguing with my then husband. I just got fed up with it. They were never productive and he just vented his anger.

i don’t have rows with anyone now. It’s lovely

This sounds like healthy, positive, useful communication has broken down.

You probably don’t want a row, you probably want to feel heard and understood. A good first step would be have a think about what you really want out of communication with him, and how you might get it.

If you have an issue you should discuss it in a calm and productive way. Not secretly desire a row about it.

I can see how you’d get frustrated if he appears disingenuous; if he’s learned to just agree for a quiet life. But that still points to communication being poor a while ago, and now it’s just poor in a different way.

So you’re a pusher and he’s a withdrawer. You can’t make him desire or enjoy what you do, or respond how you do.

When communication styles are this mismatched I honestly think you’re not a good match and incompatible. It shouldn’t be this hard.

Does he actually address the issue you have raised? If so he sounds great! If he’s apologising then doing nothing different that is completely different.

Have you tried saying this to him?

If you did, what was his response?

My ex probably thought a bit like you do. I never shout, I didn’t grow up around shouting, he did and he had a warped idea about relationships and what you’d call clearing the air. I learnt to say as little as possible because whatever I said made him angrier but even that was apparently wrong.

I’ve been very happily married to someone else for over a decade and we’ve never had to clear the air because we’re calm and considerate of each other day to day, if one of has an issue we discuss it and work through it.

There’s a weird idea common on here that if a couple isn’t regularly fighting it’s not an authenticate or honest relationship but I think that’s complete bollocks and my life is so very much nicer with someone who communicates in a kind and honest and open grown up way. I really recommend it.

You know there are ways to do that without yelling right? I bet you don't enjoy those other ways though and keep pushing for a fight.

What do you do when he won’t argue? My ex used to follow me from room to room going on at me til I snapped which I reckon was verging on emotionally abusive

I’m sorry but that’s not a positive trait to have, it comes across as though you are trying to pick fights. I would find that wearing

If he used to op, this isn’t a good sign at all.

grey rocking is the classic advice given to people when they’re frustrated their side is never listened to.

it could be that he’s given up as there’s no point?

This! Life is not East Enders. No one wants this at home. Least said soonest mended

I know exactly where you’re coming from - sometimes I realise later on I was totally unreasonable but my partner still apologises even when I’m totally wrong - it’s annoying! I don’t really want to just be constantly appeased, I want to be appropriately and considerately challenged when necessary

I don't think a healthy relationship will have too many moments where you need to "clear the air" and even fewer where an actual argument would be the best way to do so. The fewer fights the better - this goes for friendships as well as relationships.

Neither DH nor I are pushovers but neither of us enjoy conflict. And the thing is you can see conflict coming a mile off. There's always a point in a disagreement where you can choose to make it your hill to die on, or say the hurtful thing - or you can choose not to, if it doesn't actually matter hugely.

This.

He’s doing the sensible thing.

YANBU, my partner is too calm sometimes and chooses to walk away rather than have a discussion or argument. It means a lot is never solved and does get on my nerves a bit.

All my first husband did was nag and criticise.

I stopped arguing back and started agreeing with everything around 2 years before I divorced him.

So let me challenge you. Why do you try to outsource it to someone else? If you later realise that you are being unreasonable, you clearly have the capacity to tell right from wrong. Why don't you let yourself calm down and think a little longer about the issue BEFORE you open your mouth to confront your partner?

I grew up in a household where my parents shouted at each other and I can tell you, it was horrible. I'd be in my bedroom with my heart racing and feeling scared.

I've been married 36 years and my DH and I don't shout at each other and have rows. If we need to talk about something, we have a conversation like reasonable adults and find a way forward. It's peaceful and calm and nice.

I do this. I know too many people who don’t listen if I argue back: they’re not interested in resolution or compromise - they just want to win. So I save my breath and make my own decisions.

I can’t tell you how liberating it’s been to realise that I don’t have to play other people’s games.

It’s that expression: just because someone invites you to an argument, doesn’t mean you have to accept.