To wish DH would argue back?

[Engield]

When I criticise or raise an issue with DH, he doesn’t argue back, he doesn’t challenge it, he just apologises and says he didn’t realise.

Sometimes I wish he’d just argue back, have a go, instead of just agreeing with me.

Sometimes he looks like he’s about to tell me to fuck off or have a go and he just doesn’t.

AIBU to want to be challenged a bit? He used to in the past but now I get the impression it’s just anything for a quiet life and that he just says he agrees whether he does or not.

Some people think that by not arguing theyre taking the moral high road but it can also be a form of stone walling. By just agreeing with you it stops the conversation and therefore any resolution. I find this passive aggressive. My ex was like this. He'd just agree with me but I could tell he wasnt actually taking anything I said in. Its extremely frustrating. And resentment built in both of us.

Just to add, an argument doesn't have to mean screaming and shouting at each other. It can be a healthy debate where 2 people who disagree on something get their points of view across and hopefully come to a resolution. Ive never had a shouting argument with anyone.

Sounds like he's conflict avoidant.

Living the dream there! Enjoy it!

I wouldn’t say “confront” is the right word necessarily, I’m not an argumentative person. I think I would just say how I feel in the moment and if that was about being upset at something he did or said then I would voice it.

For example, I had work one morning but told him a might be done in time to meet him for lunch. But when I was indeed free and called him, he had already taken his lunch. I was upset in the moment and voiced that (not shouting or anything just that it had upset me) and he apologised. But later he explained that he had an earlier lunch hour than I thought so I was wrong for thinking it was when it was. If he just said that in the moment, it would have been easier but he was apologising for letting me down.

But he did nothing wrong so why should he apologise?

This is not healthy at all.

he did nothing wrong. You voiced your upset at something in which he had done nothing wrong. He apologised.

that isn’t good @Lmnop22. That is someone frightened (possibly too extreme a word) of upsetting you. Wary?

Why are you criticising him, OP? I guess most of us could criticise our spouses, but the mature approach is just to hold back and let the (usually small) irritations go. Then there's no need for anyone to shout or argue. Maybe be a bit kinder to your husband?

Exactly! He shouldn’t. I wish he would be more assertive and correct me in these moments - that’s what I’m saying

Honestly I’ve tried to explore this and he isn’t frightened of me or my reactions but I think holds trauma from past relationships where he has been scared to have an opinion.

We are now working on it and I’m actively encouraging him not to be passive and to allow himself to speak out and I’m trying to make sure we have a healthy dynamic

A discussion is fine, an argument isn’t. “ clearing the air” sounds like you want an argument rather than to listen to his point of view.

You and your DH have different approaches to resolving a conflict. I'm more like your DH but I wouldn't say either of you are right or wrong, just different.

My husbands the same. Sometimes I just want something back

Would you listen? He might think there is no point.

Criticising him? That's horrible, do you like people doing that to you?

I've been married for 20+ years and I don't argue with anyone. I don't spend time around people I fundamentally disagree with, and if someone is wrong, that's totally fine, they can be wrong, not my problem.
Arguing doesn't serve me and is not enjoyable.