AIBU to ask if this grief after my mother's death is normal?

[ITMA2000]

I'm 70, my mother (98 years) passed away on Tuesday after a fall, I had been planning a visit before she fell I but couldn't be bothered to go (we are 4 hours away), in elderly ITU she recognized me and spoke but then closed her eyes. I can't stop crying. Is this pain normal?

Of course
Everyone greives differently though my mum.died in january 2025
I felt numb for about six months and then the greif hit me
Its hard losing your mum no matter how old you are.

Of course it's normal, your loss is so recent and was so sudden. Be kind to yourself Op

Yes its normal and Im sorry you've lost your mum. I think your in shock at the suddeness and also feel guilty which is normal. Its gets easier but it is early days at the moment. If it all gets too much you can see a grief councillor which could help. Cry as much as you want too, its an outlet.

Completely normal. She's been in your life 70 years, of course it's devastating to lose her.

Yes of course. This is one of the major losses of your life. Don't fight the grief. And don’t waste time thinking you could have prevented this or changed events. The super elderly don’t die simply because of a fall, they fall because they are already declining and failing. The fall is the mechanism of the death but the cause is extreme old age and frailty. Keep warm, try and eat. Soup if nothing else and wait it out. The pain will ease but it needs to be felt first.

Ofcourse it’s normal. So sorry for your loss.

You have been extremely fortunate to have had your mum alive for 70 years of your life. It will take time a long time to heal and to get used to life without her. She lived a long life and no doubt you have plenty of memories of all the wonderful times you had together - focus on those only, no negatives as they don’t matter.

People cope with grief differently, I have had many friends like yourself who really suffered when their parents died, especially their Mothers. My Mother was close to 95 so being the practical type I was just pleased she had a very long life.

Grief comes in waves and stages, whatever you need to do to get help you just do it, there is no right or wrong unless you are putting yourself in harms way.

Look for real life support.

Am so sorry for your loss. My DM died in 1988,in the hospital I worked at, because of her GP, unfortunately he had a unit there as well. I was 38, left the hospital. I affected me badly for 20 years. (The following year ex h tried to kill me) I couldn't even bring myself to collect her ashes from the Undertakers. When I re married,had my last baby, I was upset she loved children. I was an only child, I attempted to find solace in different churches (I'm an atheist, but made her a promise) it took a very long time.

Completely normal . My mum died 13 years ago .
A few weeks ago I was having a bad day with everything going wrong over the past few days , was sat in my car and burst into tears and was doing proper sobs as I couldn't phone my mum to share my feelings with her .
Sorry for your loss .

There is nothing normal about grief. This is your normal. Go easy on yourself. There is not a timeline or a set way to grieve. Hand hold OP

You poor soul. I'm so sorry. Of course it is normal.

Absolutely normal. I’m so sorry about your mum. Don’t beat yourself up. Both Life and death happen with regularity.

I was with my mum when she died (cancer, inevitable etc, not so sudden as your mum) and, years later, I continue to find it the most intimate experience I’ve ever had.

I read once that one actively grieves one month per year of acquaintance. And that’s what I found - at the appropriate month, I felt a shift inside myself. But the first few weeks were brutal.

Of course it’s normal, I’m glad you got to see each other at the end 💐

You lost your mum.
If would be unusual if you didn't feel grief!

Don't feel guilty because you didn't visit that time, you focus on something because it was the last time but it really doesn't matter. She saw you one last time, that's all that matters, forget the visit.

@ITMA2000 I wonder if this is as much about the trip that didn't happen as about the passing. The trip would have made no difference but I wonder if some bereavement counselling might help you to unpick it all.

With condolences, I am sorry for your loss.

It's very normal. I lost my mum 4 years ago and my dad 3 years ago. They were both over 90. I still feel very sad sometimes. It's early days OP, take care of yourself

I was the opposite, all I felt was relief and sadness but not great sadness. But Mum was bed bound in a home with advanced dementia, had lost over half her body weight and was doubly incontinent. She knew who I was right to the end though.

I found it a blessing that she passed peacefully in her sleep. But I'd really 'lost' my Mum many months before...

Give yourself a break OP x

Thanks, she was spared that. But my mum was as bright as a button to the end, such a shock but I think my mum wanted to go. But there are so many things we wanted to say.

I lost my mum when I was 17. I thought I had it really bad, but I work for a funeral directors and meet people who, like you have had parents live till their 90s. Its still a massive blow to lose a parent. Your mums been there through everything in your life and now, suddenly, she's not.
It's only been a few days and you are being hard on yourself to question why you feel so sad. You are entitled to grieve. For as long as you need

It was only last week. Give yourself time

I think the first 7 or 8 months following my Dad's death were so raw and painful - I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, felt horribly restless and anxious. That slowly subsides into a more manageable level but even now it's 3 years and I still have days where missing him is like a physical pain.

I highly recommend bereavement counselling, I had this from the hospice where he died and whilst it was tough, it helped me heal.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You're in shock, be kind to yourself and if you're not eating well, keep drinking lots of fluid and take a vitamin C supplement to help your immune system keep chugging on.

My MIL lost her Mum years ago, she lived with them for the last few years while bedbound and she did absolutely everything for her every day, and a massive amount in the previous years. She STILL felt/feels guilty that she could have done more, or spent more time with her.

Grief isn't always rational, and it is still very new for you. Your days will eventually get easier, be kind to yourself xx

"What is grief, if not love persevering?"

It's a line from a stupid comic book movie. But it really helped me when I was grieving my Mum.

I loved my Mum. I didn't stop loving my Mum when she died, but suddenly that love had no outlet, nowhere to go. So it just sits there, feeling heavy and painful.

Over time, you'll learn how to deal with that love. You grief will likely never go away, but it'll stop hurting as much, you'll learn how to handle it, how to deal with it, how to remember your Mum without it feeling as painful.

But like any new skill, that takes time to learn. For now, just try to take comfort from the fact that the grief you're feeling is a symbol of the love you felt for her, and that in life she very likely knew just how much you loved her.

Sorry to read of your loss and the pain is normal. I hope in time you can remember all the good times with fondness. Whether you have a traditional funeral or some other celebration of her life, I hope it is fitting.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

It's entirely normal to be overwhelmed with grief, I lost my dad 10 years ago and still cry unexpectedly every so often. Give yourself grace to feel how you feel and know that time will make the grief easier to carry. You don't get over it but you learn to live with it.

When someone older dies, people often try to comfort you by using phrases like 'she's at peace now' or 'she had a good long life'. While these may be true, it doesn't stop you missing your loved one or grieving the loss of them. I hope you have good people around you to support you. Be kind to yourself. I planted a rose bush in my garden for my dad and it gives me comfort to tend it and see it bloom every year. Find a way to commemorate your mum that brings you some comfort x