To be feeling the dread kicking in

[Unblended5]

Good morning.

I need some advice, i got a little job in a local school for 2,5 hours a day around other things. Im hoping its a foot in the door for a job there full time.

So far i absolutely love the job and feel its a place i could achieve. I find all the staff lovely nd they have all gone out their way to be nice. But theres a problem. The lady who i work alongside with for an hour doing lunches doesnr appear to like me. Im noticing myself going on egg shells and almost feeling nervous. The amount of cutlery changes everyday and various but shes always firmly moaning at me that ive put too many xyz on the trays and then the next day it wont be enough. She never volunteeers information about the meals etc. Just mumbles when i ask. She has a work buddy who is our line manager. They barely look at me when i walk in often not saying hello. Yet they have an actual conversation amongst themselves.

Ive noted shes super friendly. Asks questions and smiles and chats to most the staff. Almost foes the extra mile. But she wont ask me a single thing about my kids or life. Ive tried to get her talking. I think sometimes she prerends she cant hear me, she also seemed more nit picky last week. I am dreading going in today, but i love the rest of the job. I have noticed her ignore a couple of the TA that are fairly new.

I need the job and im mid 30s. I dont know what to do,

Depersonalise it, you have observed that she is doing it to others - this is her problem, not yours.

Contradictory instructions…a breezy “gosh it changes everyday, how do you keep up?”. When you have been there a little longer, providing she’s not your supervisor, you can do what you like.

Ask for a move to classrooms, if you’d prefer. But, if not, stick at it for now and keep telling yourself it’s not about you, it’s her issue.

My money is on one of her friends applying and you get "her" job.

Pull on your big girl pants and be super chatty …….. when you go into work say ‘hello’ to her and immediately ask how her weekend was etc. If she mumbles a response just say ‘sorry, didn’t catch that, what did you say’. Openly and assertively ask what’s on the menu, what needs setting out and if she mutters, huffs and puffs simply respond by saying ‘well, I done have a crystal ball and when I guess I get it wrong’! Go about your job with confidence……..there’s almost always a clique in every workplace and there’s always a ‘superbitch’ who thinks they control the rest.
You want this job and you want to get on at the school…..that’s great but your destiny is in your hands OP!

*don’t not done

Then you know that she is the problem, not you. Hang on in there and she will probably get gradually friendlier. Every work place has one difficult bugger.

And this is why we still live under patriarchy. This petty nonsense is so reductive and pointless. Low status, older woman trying to intimidate and exclude a younger one, who’s done nothing wrong. I am beginning to wonder if this is why our maternity services are such a shit show in this country.

@Unblended5 i wouldn’t even try to trigger a convo . Go about your work signing or something. Don’t let them get to you .
Next time she has a go about forks ask her to make up her mind which one it is . And ask her not to speak to you like that . Do not be pushed out of a job you want and enjoy .

I'd just master and get on with the job. Nod and smile. Why do you need her to ask you about your personal life and vice versa. I find with people like that a bit of "island mentality" serves well.

get yourself a little imaginary plasic bubble. Women in Primary schools are monsters.
Enjoy your job.

This is so horrible you poor thing. I’ve been there in a similar situation and the only way to navigate it is flattery and being overtly polite. It’s crushing and sole destroying but pathetic people like that have no ammunition against you if you’re OTT polite and complementary to them.

Something like “I’m so sorry to bother you, I can see you’re really busy but do you have a spare second to show me how to put the cutlery out in the correct way - I can tell I’m not getting it right”. Make them feel like the boss with the power and all the knowledge. It’s demeaning but it does work (unless they’re a horrible bully and then nothing works, you just need to leave).

I worked at lunchtimes for years. During the time I was there, there was always someone who would make your life difficult/weren't friendly - I'm not sure why - teachers and senior leadership team were always great and supportive. Then as soon as they go, others who are more like myself admitted how much they hated that person! Hard to do, but rise above it. Do what you need to do, enjoy some of the lovely characters (in terms of children) you're getting to know.

Well done on getting your foot in the door. I hope it works out for you OP.
I think it might help to see the kitchen hostility problem from a different angle.

If I were in charge of a busy kitchen, and you had been hired to help out at the busiest time of the day, just for that hour when time is of the essence, I would expect you to soon become super productive to ease the stress.
I wouldn’t expect you to try to be socialising or chit chatting and trying to make friends with the other staff in that hour.
I would want all hands on deck, especially yours as that’s obviously why you have been hired. To help them out with the work load
Obviously you need time to learn the ropes and I hope that has been allowed for. I hope your mentor is a nice personality at least.

So I think you need to walk in, take a second or two to greet them cheerfully and then keep your head down, working quickly and efficiently, fitting in easily and doing a great job for the entire hour. And asking pertinent work-related questions to the right person when you need to, in order to be a positive help. You only have an hour to prove yourself so that’s hard, you don’t get a break to ease yourself in. Try to ignore the miserable member of staff you have to work alongside until she comes round a bit. If she won’t answer your work questions properly, ask her more loudly and more directly. Or ask somebody else.

When you can prove that you are making her job easier, she might come round a bit.
Remember that kitchens, especially busy ones, are notoriously fraught with personality clashes as it’s not a relaxing environment.
So give it time OP, to see if you are suited to the intense workload and tight deadline for service.
Tell yourself it’s just for the hour and you won’t let her spoil your chance of success.

It may be a small school but it’s a high pressured job and you have to let her see that you are a positive presence, learning fast and thinking on your feet.
If you feel you need more training, make a note of the things that you are unsure of and ask if you can have a word with somebody after your shift has finished.
Good luck.

Good management stamps this kind of shitty behaviour out. It’s management that are willing to turn a blind eye to bullying that enables this kind of behaviour. It doesn’t need to be this way.

I’ve worked with someone like that before. I killed her with kindness but it still didn’t work. I’d ask how her weekend was, about a specific hobby she did etc. was like getting blood out of a stone. She was so rude to me and I dreaded going in.
for some reason she softened and was buying everyone a cake one day and asked if I wanted one.

she told me when she started she thought I was ‘a stuck up bitch, but I’m just the same as everyone else here’. Charming!
she just pre-judged me because I was younger and also had a more well spoken accent compared to her. Something I couldn’t obviously control or change. She was just bitter in life as her husband has cheated, her son had addiction issues etc. but if she’s got to know me she would have found out I had family members with addiction issues too.

some people just decide not to like you and it’s a shame but it’s a them problem.

This. I’ve had this before, more than once and I think it pissed them off I was happy and they weren’t, so I just kept myself to myself when around them and matched their energy/got on with the job in hand.

I've worked with people like this before. Definitely a them problem and not you. Funnily enough one woman suddenly got really chatty with me when I'd been there two years, but having ignored me and snapped at me for for the past 24 months I wasn't that interested in her friendship 😂 She once said she was hungry in the office so I offered her a bag of crisps and she exclaimed 'do I look like the sort of person who eats crisps?!' Never offered her anything again 😂

Also helps to think of her as a character - people who are beyond belief are quite often like a side character in film or comedy sketch. Helps to reframe it and gives you a good laugh thinking back on her behaviour.

Unfortunately as you're only doing a couple of hours this woman is taking up half of your time but as others have said the 'kill them with kindness' approach is a good one. Walk in smiling, ask the questions you need to ask in a cheery tone, be polite and any grumpy response you get back is an indicator of their personality not yours. Only you know if that will work, but it's more about holding your head high and living by your own values of kindness rather than trying to get a positive response out of her.

Good luck and don't let one person put you off of what sounds like a great job that could lead to more opportunities for you x

Honestly you just need to get on with it. I’m sure you can cope with an hour of no talking.
if you moan to the head it will be you who suffers / gets pushed out. This is such a non issue, the head will think you’re a flake.

Why do you only work 2.5 hours per day? Seriously just suck it up and then be proud you’ve built some resilience

The trick with this kind of colleague is to not let them get under your skin. Look up Yellow Rock. Focus on the job and only the job and do it as best you can, that way you are going to make a good impression on people who can make your life easier, such as the head. Focus on the big picture - pay, getting ahead, learning new skills (including working with tricky people) and what lies ahead for you. The worst thing you can do is let her get to you and get unhappy, because that will hold you back. Head up, stand tall, be good at your job and don't let the bastards get you down.

Just be friendly whether it's reciprocated or not, a cheery hello when you arrive, a cheery bye now see you tomorrow when you leave. It's only an hour smile and think how much you like and want the job, don't let them get to you.

I’ve met a few people like this op. My sympathies.
I hope you can learn to ignore them, but I know it’s hard to do.

Kill her with kindness and ignore her rudeness. This happens sometimes, especially in roles where there is a turnover of staff. If you want to stay at the school and work in the classroom more you have to pay your lunchtime dues and ride it out.
I know many TAs that started off doing lunchtimes but after a year or two never looked back.

I wouldn’t ask the head for more classroom time yet. You do need to show you are capable at lunchtimes and have had the time to create a good impression in the classroom first. You can make it know that you enjoy the classroom without emailing, and if you are good at it they will
ask you to increase your hours if any become available.

As my dear late FIL used to say "theres always one Dear ,in every office or workplace" I think just be yourself and get on with the job .Be friendly and polite .chat with the others as well

First day at one place and I nearly left because of the hostility I felt from one person who made people’s life a misery ( not just mine)
There is always one , it’s true.
Only advice, do not bad mouth them to anyone else as it could backfire. Just bide your time and be pleasant and get on with the job. You may find they have more friends there than you know about.

This hits the nail on the head “gives them a sense of power while working a menial job” - I’ve met lots of older women (and some men) like this in these types of jobs. They’re bitter, have been in the job forever and feel threatened by younger employees who they feel are going to start messing with “their system” and ways of doing things

I agree with this, stop trying to get her to like you, be polite but you're wasting energy on this woman.

I had this with a secretary at a new job a few years ago, she had been there for a long time. It helped that I didn't really care but when she eventually warmed up and tried to be friends I remembered how she treated me and kept her at a distance.