AIBU to have gone out and invited DS friend over?

[Lovernotafighter83]

H goes to the pub every Friday, has done for 25 years. Usually hung over on a Saturday but gets up and dwindles through the day. Last Sunday he went to a Boxing event around 10am which didn’t finish until about 1am - which I’m pleased about because he doesn’t do enough with his friends (pub is just with random locals).

I haven’t seen any of my friends for about six weeks, so went on a two hour dog walk with some friends yesterday and in the afternoon H went to the gym and out for a ride. Today i’d arranged to see some friends for the day and was gone from 8am (travel) until 4pm.

youngest DS asked if he could have a friend over today. Before arranging, I asked H if that would be ok and would he mind taking them to the park. Yes was the answer. This was Friday night, so I checked again in the morning in case he’d forgotten. Yes was the answer.

While I’m out today I get angry phone call number one asking where I am and how long I’d be, angry phone call number 2 asking the same. Basically fuming because he’s been stuck in the house all day (friend came 12-4) and our middle DS has had a few melt downs (not unusual). Fuming that I’d invited, and in his words, some little ginger cu*t over meaning they couldn’t go out. Fuming that I’d swanned off for the day. I kept it together but as he started getting very angry, I asked why he didn’t go out, I re-stated that he’d said yes to the friend coming over. I was exceptionally calm while he was going off on one and I said never ever would I ever phone him or have done with things that are going on ( I’d already had a call at 9.30am because youngest refused to go to rugby) and said he was acting like I child.

I think my calmness made it all worse because I laughed at how ridiculous he was acting, to which point he kicked our kitchen island, a glass smashed, he broke the stall, refused to eat his home made pie which I’d made as soon as I walked in the door and went more nuts because I laughed. I hate him.

got children asking him to calm down and I am none the wiser.

Yes he was BU. Very, very U.

You, for your part, took pleasure out of his failure. You weren't calm, you were amused.

Your relationship is toxic and you should split.

Obviously YWNBU to go out, nor to sort the friend coming over (having checked with him) but
YABU to stay with this violent, controlling, and abusive man, and expose your dc to such behaviour.

How old are your kids?

He called a child a ginger cunt?

Fucking leave OP, he’s vile

DC are 15, 12 & 10. Yes, that’s how he referred to my son’s friend. The DC didn’t hear this or see the outburst, just caught the tail end of it when their dinner was ready.

I’m so tired. These sorts of things happen about every six months, in between, everything is mainly quite lovely but when this type of behaviour rears its ugly head, I get consumed with wanting to leave.

I’m so tired

This doesn’t sound like a healthy safe environment for children. Both you and DH sound spiteful and callous.(editing to specify that you sound happy to revel in his stress even though he’s being an abusive ass)

This is abuse. I'm sorry that you are being subjected to this.

I agree. Laughing was mean and for that, I am sorry. In the moment I felt like all I could do was scream or chuckle at the absurdity and screaming wasn’t what I wanted to do.

For many many years we had many many problems with me going out and whilst that has almost gone, I have the deepest of scars and so when flippant comments are thrown around about me swanning off and him being stuck in all day and not having had time all weekend for himself, the situation feels laughable. However, I’ve never actually laughed at him in a moment like that before.

but - you are right. Thank you for your balanced response.

It sounds like a horrible living situation for all involved. You need to separate if only for the wellbeing of your children, you say they didn’t witness the outburst but children see and hear more than you think. I have vivid memories of my parents physically fighting.

Your poor children.
A father who gets pissed every Friday and takes Saturday to recover; a father with anger management problems; parents with a toxic relationship.

You must sort this out for the sake of your children. It is entirely wrong that they are being put through this. They did not ask to be born.

I understand why the op laughed. I was in a situation last week, where it was laugh or cry. The laugh wasn't because I was happy in another persons distress, but yet again the stupididy of the situation. Sometimes a laugh is a nervous response as much as anything.

@Lovernotafighter83 it sounds like either you or H is out leaving the other to do childcare. Do you ever go out together or as a family?

How many hours over the weekend does he get to himself? All night at the pub - so 3-5 hours? Then gym followed by a ride? That’s not going to be just a couple of hours - is that regular? How do you compare, time wise?

I hate the fact a lot of men treat their children as their partners children. These are the ‘babysitters’ and the occasional ‘helpers’ with domestic and family life - the implication being that the woman has by default the main responsibility for both spheres and they are simply passive 2ndry characters in the dynamics and must agree to or be told what to do. They resent being told what to do but resent more NOT being reminded (told) what to do. Dicks.

Even if it's "just every 6 months", remember that you really don't have to tolerate such behaviour. Nor should anyone expect you to tolerate it.

OP, it's clear that this isn't a one-off/first offence. So that really begs the question - why are you still with this man?

Yes. We go out as family. Last weekend we went for a walk on the beach followed by a Saturday night dinner out.

once your children get a bit bigger, family life dynamics change. I have an older son who is mostly off doing his own thing, a middle son who is transitioning to this world and a younger son who is still young enough to be with us all the time. This has created some space for us to be able to do our own thing too.

neither my H or I have ever gone out every weekend with friends (he literally doesn’t count going to the pub, more absurdity). So this weekend was rare but important. We both work really hard, too much so - and we know having down time is important.

it’s always the same and always has been. Even when i had a 5 yo a 2 yo and a new born, I’m just not the sort of person that would call him up ranting. If I’ve got a problem, I work out how to solve it, I deal with it and I may discuss the day when he comes home. I’m calm, he’s explosive.

No, this absolutely is not a one off offensive and I’ve listed everything in the cold light of day, I know what response I’d get. However, those things have happened over 25 long years. And it’s so very very hard when you’re joined in every way. I can’t afford to simply buy a new home but I know I’m selling my soul to the devil by choosing unhappiness for this reason.

i slept on the sofa last night. Usually when this happens he comes down a lot and neither of us sleep. Last night was the first time ever that he didn’t do that and I was so grateful. I’m full of nervousness and tears today. He apologies gently before he left for work.

whever this stuff happens, I just want to run away. He has never understood psychological safety

My parents had a very volatile relationship and it effects me to this day. Don’t imagine the kids aren’t aware. End it.

Psychological safety is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. You don’t have it with him. I’d be working out how to divorce and be speaking to a solicitor.

I know. I’ve been here a million times. The feelings are all so familiar.

but then I always calm down. I’m not scared of being alone (I’m very independent), I’m not scared of what other people will think. But my children are at such crucial ages - GCSEs, going to secondary school etc. but there’s always been an excuse.

YABU for letting your children grow up in an environment like that. They are aware of more than you think.

Divorce is a lovely thing and living without the arsehole is even better! Can highly recommend it

I doubt you laughed the first time he threw a violent, destructive tantrum. Probably not the first 20 times, but I understand why you do now. I also understand why you haven’t left yet as he only does it every six months. That leaves long enough for the hope it won’t happen again to kick in.

But it’s time to go. He isn’t going to change, you hate him and your children are now trying to pacify him. They really shouldn’t be in that position.

Your H just doesn’t want to be left with the responsibility of looking after the kids, then if its made harder (kid’s friend over, rugby tantrum etc.. ) it sends him over the edge. Parenting is hard work but we all have to suck it up and get on with it. My H wouldn’t and hasn’t acted like yours did and our kids are 18 and 15, but I’m pretty sure there were times he’d rather not have been tendering to their needs, as like every parent.

My two are currently in their final years of A-Levels and GCSEs, so I fully understand why you don’t want to rock the boat and create anything worrying for the kids which may affect exam results, but I wouldn’t use transitioning to secondary school as an excuse or anything else really.

If this is your child’s final GCSE year, then make plans to leave if you want to come June / July. Get everything in place. If you do want to leave, then this is a great time to do it before you’re then stuck with worrying about affecting A-Levels or your younger one then doing his GCSEs.

You’ve been together 25 years. This could be just a rough patch that you need to come out the other side from though. How do you two get on generally, when it’s not all about the kids? Is there lots of intimacy?

When your husband is not angry, you should tell him that when he has a melt down you want to leave him, so something needs to change.

If your child wants to do something or have a friend over when your husband is in charge then they need to ask him directly. You are needlessly taking responsibility for a situation that you are not part of.

I absoutely agree with this in this situation! Divorce is what brought back peace and happiness into mine and my childrens life. It's priceless. Our home is much smaller, holidays are almost non existent, take aways are fewer, Christmas presents are cheaper but none of that really matters when you have happiness.