AIBU to have gone out and invited DS friend over?

[Lovernotafighter83]

H goes to the pub every Friday, has done for 25 years. Usually hung over on a Saturday but gets up and dwindles through the day. Last Sunday he went to a Boxing event around 10am which didn’t finish until about 1am - which I’m pleased about because he doesn’t do enough with his friends (pub is just with random locals).

I haven’t seen any of my friends for about six weeks, so went on a two hour dog walk with some friends yesterday and in the afternoon H went to the gym and out for a ride. Today i’d arranged to see some friends for the day and was gone from 8am (travel) until 4pm.

youngest DS asked if he could have a friend over today. Before arranging, I asked H if that would be ok and would he mind taking them to the park. Yes was the answer. This was Friday night, so I checked again in the morning in case he’d forgotten. Yes was the answer.

While I’m out today I get angry phone call number one asking where I am and how long I’d be, angry phone call number 2 asking the same. Basically fuming because he’s been stuck in the house all day (friend came 12-4) and our middle DS has had a few melt downs (not unusual). Fuming that I’d invited, and in his words, some little ginger cu*t over meaning they couldn’t go out. Fuming that I’d swanned off for the day. I kept it together but as he started getting very angry, I asked why he didn’t go out, I re-stated that he’d said yes to the friend coming over. I was exceptionally calm while he was going off on one and I said never ever would I ever phone him or have done with things that are going on ( I’d already had a call at 9.30am because youngest refused to go to rugby) and said he was acting like I child.

I think my calmness made it all worse because I laughed at how ridiculous he was acting, to which point he kicked our kitchen island, a glass smashed, he broke the stall, refused to eat his home made pie which I’d made as soon as I walked in the door and went more nuts because I laughed. I hate him.

got children asking him to calm down and I am none the wiser.

Are you honestly saying that your children didn’t know he was having a massive strop, smashing a glass, kicking things, refusing to eat etc?

If you ask my parents now they would still say that we never ever overheard the arguments and aggression- it’s what parents tell themselves to feel better. Of course they heard this time, and the times before.

You need to do the hard thing and let your children live in a safer house.

You poor woman.
He really is nasty abusive scum.
Your poor children being reared around this.

Talk to Women's aid and see what supports are there.

This is a horrific environment for you and the children to be in.

Yes I’m sure they heard, they just were just upstairs. Not that it matters, but the glass smashed as a consequence, not intentionally. It was full of beer and went all over the job as I was cooking. I put the broken stall in the front garden this morning, now we have two but we started with four.

Thank you. How did you physically part? He won’t leave, I know he won’t.

My situation wasn't the same as yours so it might not be relatable. My kids were teens and they chose to come with me to my home country, my ex stayed in the UK. I didn't want the family home and nor did he so we sold it. For the big house we bought two smaller apartments. The divorce, mostly because of the financial settlement, took over 2 years so it was a long and painful experience and I had many sleepless nights worrying about money but at least we didn't have to live together through it. I wouldn't make keeping the house into a big deal, it's just bricks and mortar, and wherever you end up will be your home. It's also quite nice to live somewhere where there are no memories of the ex.

Are you in denial about the effect this is having on your children?

He is a grown man of teens and preteens (not young children). It sounds like it’s time for him to stop devoting so much of his free time to going out and getting drunk and being too rattled the next day to parent his (not even little) children.

I would guess he was hungover and maybe also on a drug comedown. Not that it helps you. If his rage is so bad he is smashing things, that is frightening for you and the DC. If the DC mention it at school, there will be safeguarding checks.
I think you need to tell him that you cannot have the DC living like that, and that he needs to leave temporarily while you jointly work out what to do.
Or do what someone I know did, who’d put up with the sort of nonsense for years, wait till the next time he loses it, and call the police and have him arrested. While he’s in custody tell him he can’t come back, and if necessary apply for an exclusion order. It would be sensible to get legal advice now so that you know what options there are next time he is abusive and aggressive towards you.

My husband doesn’t take drugs and whilst had been to the pub on Friday, wasn’t hung over at all on Sunday.

he was annoyed because I didn’t agree with his perception of the situation and I didn’t provide sympathy (because I didn’t agree).

his perception is that I should not have arranged for a child to visit my son. My perception is that I asked - twice prior to arranging.

his perception is that he was stuck in all day. My perception is a) the friend came from
12-4, what were you doing up until 12? And b) why didn’t you go out with the friend - which is what he said he’d do.

his perception is that I swanned off for the day and he had no time to do what he wanted all weekend. My perception is, he went to the pub, for a ride and to the gym and was out the entire day last Sunday (and he actively encouraged me to go).

his perception is he does nothing with his friends ever. My perception is - if you chose to spend every Friday in the local and not with your friends, that’s your choice.

my perception also, is that when there’s an issue, I deal with it. I don’t call him up and I would never, ever, ask him repeatedly when he’ll be home. Especially if I had a history of coercive control concerning going out.

I check out at that point.