I really hate my mum but I don’t want to

[Halloween3]

I’m feeling a little upset and was hoping someone could please support me whilst I deal with this. In short I don’t have a loving family, it’s quite dysfunctional and lots of trauma and childhood neglect.

I phoned my mum on Friday to get advice on a cleaner i’m thinking of getting. She told me I shouldn’t get one and why can’t I just do the housework by myself. The cleaner would come every fortnight for 2 hours and £15 per hour so that’s £60 a month.

I felt like rubbish and I know I shouldn’t but I keep wanting validation from her so when she called me earlier today to complain about something I brought up the topic again and explained even my MIL suggested I should get someone and it’s tough with 3 kids, full time job plus a husband who works away and is only home on weekends. I couldn’t even find matching socks for DS on Friday, I feel I’m going crazy and having a little helping hand will improve my mental health. My mum mocked me again and said all other women including herself can handle home responsibilities so why can’t I. I told her it’s pretty normal for people to have a cleaner to which she replied word for word: “why don’t you start ordering food out too then? Stop cooking yourself and just keep getting takeaways or get someone to come and cook for you”.

I feel really frustrated and upset with her. She’s done this my entire life. If it was my sisters she would say differently. She always seems to want to pick a fight. I’m really upset. It’s like she makes me feel worthless and my mental health isn’t important and I should just get on with things myself.

Stop expecting her to behave like someone she isn't. She's a nasty bully, and that's not going to change. All you can do is stop giving her opportunities to make you feel like shit.

You're an adult and you don't need your mother to validate your life choices.

Just ignore her and don't ask for advice, and limit what you tell her. I think limiting contact with your vile mother would probably improve your MH just as much as a cleaner to be honest.

You wanted advice, your mum gave you her advice (of sorts).

Can you identify why you feel you need your mums validation?

I don’t know. I feel mentally I might be stuck at age 8!!! I had very bad trauma when I was 8 and still suffer PTSD with it. I have had help but nothing has worked. I just wanted her validation that I was making the right choice. I don’t have friends to talk to and DH wouldn’t really care either way. I think I have an idea of what a mother daughter relationship should be like and I always try to include her in decisions I’m making,

I also think I was excited about the prospect of having a cleaner in my home helping me and maybe I wanted to share that with my mum

I agree with the previous poster. Why did you feel your needed an advice from your mother about the cleaner? And if you already know how she feels about it, why did you bring it up again? Clearly, she wasn't going to change her mind about her view in between these two conversations so you got the second helping of her opinion which you found distressing the first time around?
My mum is the same but I am still able to have a good relationship with her because 1. I am an adult who makes decisions about my life without needing anyone's validation and 2. I make no effort to change her mind about anything.

You are behaving like she is the mother you want her to be rather than the mother she actually is. You need to find a way to accept that she is who she is and make a plan from there.

Why do you keep going back to her for validation when she’s made it clear she won’t give it?

You need to reframe this in your own mind. You’re an adult woman who (presumably) can afford to get a cleaner. Stop asking for her permission.

She sounds like a cow, to be honest. I understand you want her in your life but you need to radically lower expectations and put boundaries in place. Stop giving a shit what she thinks about you. You may actually find your relationship improves and if it doesn’t you have grown a backbone.

Your mums not going to change. So stop expecting her too. Tell her less things about your life.
But I am a mother and I validate your choice if makes your life easier hope that helps!

I understand op and im sorry 💐

I got to a point along time ago where I realised my mum was what she was amd was a product of her own upbringing
I accepted it when she has her moments of being hurtful and spiteful I disengage. It's a very complex situation to love someone and tbh at times hate and resent them too . I try to concentrate more on the times she's nice 🤣. None of us are perfect op .

Your mum sounds horrible as she seems to relish any opportunity to bring you down and make you doubt yourself.

You mentioned that your childhood was traumatic, neglectful and disfunctional. Was it the same for your sisters who your mum seems to prefer?

I'm sorry that she is so awful to you. If I were you, I'd pull right back and go low or even no contact. She doesn't seem to add anything positive to your life.

No my sisters didn’t go through what I did. It was only me (SA). They are much older than me and I was the vulnerable youngest one. A lot of bad things happened to me under my roof as no one really looked out for me. She seems to favour them more than me. Even as a child I could see that but I just accepted it.

Oh OP. I thought something pretty awful must have happened and that is really one of the most awful things to happen. I'm so sorry.
Sorry to sound like a cliche but have you had therapy? Would you consider it?

i was thinking back to my wedding day. It was such a horrible atmosphere, no one really bothered with me. It was quite sad really. No excitement no fun or anything. Due to my trauma I have found it hard to make friends so my sisters and nieces were my bridesmaids but it was a really sad atmosphere. Felt more like a funeral than wedding,

Thank you. It’s never worked. I was in therapy from age 14. I still gave therapy on and off. Last one was a month ago but truthfully it doesn’t help

You ask her advice?

she gives it

its the wrong advice ?

she wouldn’t think of getting a cleaner and can think of all sorts of reasons why not and because she can’t imagine why you want one she can’t give you the kind of advice you want - which you yourself admit it’s validation which actually isn’t advice.

her advice is don’t get a cleaner. You disagree. That’s fine. Don’t make it into something it isn’t. And don’t ask for advice if you don’t want it.

It’s not as black and white as you’re making it, it’s not about the cleaner actually! It’s more I’ve told her I’m struggling, I have the solution for my struggles and to ease my burden but her response is to continue struggling. I keep getting upset that she doesn’t actually care about my wellbeing. I know I should know by now but I don’t

I think I’ve figured out my feelings now. So it’s not really about the cleaner it’s the fact she doesn’t actually care about me. I think all my life I’ve been trying to find evidence but I don’t know how to take it.

In school I remember trying to tell a teacher about my neglect and telling her my mum hates me but teacher responded “oh I’m sure your mum loves you”

Whatever you do, make sure you hire the cleaner. It’s sometimes contentious mentioning you’re getting/have a cleaner because for some reason a lot of women resent other women who have cleaners and equate it to you being lazy and having notions above your station.

I’m sorry you had an awful childhood but you need to let your mother go as such and don’t ask her for advice or help. Paddle your own canoe and you’ll be the happier and more confident for it.

Sorry to hear you feel this way. But, it does sound like you are treating her like the mum you want her to be (rather than the one she is), but also perhaps you are looking for validation from everyone, not just her? Your comment about your wedding suggests that you were looking for others to make you feel special too? It is strange to me that 'no one' bothered with you on your wedding day? Could you explain what you mean by that? Not your husband? Your friends? No one?? I guess it is worth considering whether your need for validation is overwhelming your life, so much so that you can't appreciate any affection that comes your way (even if not from your mother)?

You need to put her on an information diet. Try to avoid telling her anything that might make you feel vulnerable.

I've seen friends make these difficult parent-child relationships work in their own ways but I agree with PP in that you can't expect her to suddenly start behaving like the mum the you want or need.

I'd try to find ways to work on your social skills and to seek out what you need emotionally from healthier relationships.

tell her to get to fuck and go no contact.

OP is a survivor of CSA which happened to her in her own childhood home. This was obviously facilitated or deliberately ignored by her own mother.

This has clearly negatively impacted her self-esteem and her ability to form friendships so she still tries to seek validation from the people that ruined her childhood. She deserves support and kindness rather than admonishment.

Sadly, it sounds like your mum is going to rain on your parade whatever you do. That in itself is dysfunctional. But you don't need your mum's validation for decisions you make in your life. If a cleaner is going to improve your life, get one. Personally, I wouldn't mention the subject again. She sounds horrible.

Well you are about as subtle as an elephant in wellies.
Can you not read between the lines of the OPs post.
If you can't then maybe go away and read a book, don't be unkind.