I really hate my mum but I don’t want to

[Halloween3]

I’m feeling a little upset and was hoping someone could please support me whilst I deal with this. In short I don’t have a loving family, it’s quite dysfunctional and lots of trauma and childhood neglect.

I phoned my mum on Friday to get advice on a cleaner i’m thinking of getting. She told me I shouldn’t get one and why can’t I just do the housework by myself. The cleaner would come every fortnight for 2 hours and £15 per hour so that’s £60 a month.

I felt like rubbish and I know I shouldn’t but I keep wanting validation from her so when she called me earlier today to complain about something I brought up the topic again and explained even my MIL suggested I should get someone and it’s tough with 3 kids, full time job plus a husband who works away and is only home on weekends. I couldn’t even find matching socks for DS on Friday, I feel I’m going crazy and having a little helping hand will improve my mental health. My mum mocked me again and said all other women including herself can handle home responsibilities so why can’t I. I told her it’s pretty normal for people to have a cleaner to which she replied word for word: “why don’t you start ordering food out too then? Stop cooking yourself and just keep getting takeaways or get someone to come and cook for you”.

I feel really frustrated and upset with her. She’s done this my entire life. If it was my sisters she would say differently. She always seems to want to pick a fight. I’m really upset. It’s like she makes me feel worthless and my mental health isn’t important and I should just get on with things myself.

I'm so sorry, OP. Everything you tell or ask your mother will be used by her to drag you down and hurt you further. Try hard not to give her the ammunition she wants. Getting a cleaner is a great idea if you are working and have kids, and hopefully it will work out well for you,

I wasn't admonishing her at all! Just suggesting she recognize that it might be a wider issue than just her relationship with her mother, and get professional help (which others are also suggesting). I can only imagine how horrendous it must be to be in her position, and hope she does get the help to have healthier, happier relationships and feel more comfortable in her own skin.

Stop telling her anything. She doesn’t deserve to know anything about you if that’s how she treats you - she sounds twisted.

Find someone else to share your information with.

You know what you need, so hire your cleaner - I’d book weekly if you can afford it.

Read between the lines ?

peehaps that is the problem here - the mother isn’t a read between the lines person and OP is being incredibly insensitive by expecting her to be so?

there are so many different explanations possible here

I did not suffer trauma like you, thank God, but my relationship with my mother was similar.
When she died I felt empty, nothing...and thought there was something wrong with me.
A wonderful woman from a local church sat me down and said "repeat after me.....mother I owe you nothing, and you owe me nothing. Its over now and I'm moving on without you".
It was like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders.
While I acknowledge your mother is still around, try and adopt a similar attitude.

And ps. From 70 year old mother of 40+ year old kids, you get yourself a cleaner !!!
You work hard, you deserve it and consider this...you are providing employment. That's the thing my daughter always says and she has a cleaner weekly, works full time but no kids and I think it's fantastic.
You don't need anyone's validation, but you've got mine lovely.

Stop going to the well when you know it is dry.

She is never going to be the mother you want, need or deserve. Stop kidding yourself.

Have you had counselling?

I'm very sorry that your mother wasn't the mother you needed. It sounds like what happened to you as a child happened in your home and your mother did not protect you.
Do you think going no contact with her would help you?
I tried for years to get my mother to like me never did I wish I would have cut her off when I first left home instead of trying and trying for decades. She's been gone for a long time now. I realize that continuing to have a relationship with these toxic people was holding me back in life and I feel 100% better after cutting off certain ones
And to answer your question about the cleaner of course get the cleaner you deserve it treat yourself it will make your life easier

I’m sorry you’re getting some emotionally obtuse responses, OP, alongside the more empathetic ones. Of course it’s normal to want your mum’s validation, especially in your situation. And it’s normal (though ultimately self-defeating and painful) to keep wanting to believe she can be the mother you wanted and needed and deserved. I wish you could have that. She sounds like a nasty woman, and unfortunately she isn’t going to give you what you need. I’m sorry therapy hasn’t been helpful for you. Sometimes it just isn’t, although sometimes it can take decades to find the right therapist. You have my empathy. And you should definitely get the cleaner! Mumsnet validates your decision.

Hard and sad though it undoubtedly is, I think you have to stop hoping for the validation and support from your mother. That's just not who she is and each time you ask her something you are unfortunately just giving her more opportunity and ammunition to knock you down with.

Your mother is unfortunately not a nice person. It's probably best to tell her nothing and just get on with your own life, making your own, perfectly valid decisions. Her opinion really isn't relevant. Yours is.

Get the cleaner. Fuck what your mother thinks.

This is a really good reply!
Your mum is never going to give you what you need or what you want. She is never going to take responsibility for her failings or her part in the trauma you endured and continue to endure. Also it isn’t possible to go back in time to give her the opportunity to do things differently so you keep trying that now. I think you’re astute to identify that within the confines of your relationship with your mum, you are an 8 year old child trying to make her care for you and love you; it’s going to be like Groundhog Day forever unless something changes, and she isn’t going to.
Outside of your relationship with your mother you are very much not a child. You are a thoughtful mother to three children and you work full time, holding the fort and allowing your husband to do his work. Seriously woman, this is good stuff! Get yourself a cleaner; you need one and you deserve one.
I’m sorry therapy hasn't worked for you (yet?).
This might not be where you’re at or something you would consider, but I read Eckhart Tolle ‘A New World’ and it changed my life. I would seriously recommend it. Do audio book if that’s better. It reframes life and meaning.
Good luck. Be kind to yourself and know that your answers lie within you.

I really get this, OP. As someone from a similar background, I found myself desperate for the unconditional love and support that parents are supposed to provide. I did not get it from my mother. Unlike yours, mine would often profess to love me when sober, however empty words would never be backed up with actions, and then would speak about me behind my back, get nasty when drunk, that sort of thing.

It took me a long time to learn to love myself, and I still struggle not to look for external sources of validation. The journey is bumpy and slow but so worth is as I am feeling much more comfortable in myself and stronger in my convictions, able to trust my own decisions.

I, too, have a young family and am struggling to cope alone, and I find it hard when I see others being supported by their parents and siblings. It feels horribly unfair. But we persevere.

You have this. Be the mother to yourself that you need. <3

Your mum isn’t going to give you what you need sadly. You need to start believing in yourself. Maybe in future imagine it’s your daughter telling you… what advice or approval would you offer? Then live by that. Can you afford the £60 and want the help? Then do it because you want to so it’s the right decision! You can also change your mind it’s not permanent. Trust yourself and be your own cheerleader.

P.S - I am very, very sorry about the abuse you suffered as a child. The people who were supposed to look out for you let you down, and you deserved so, so much better. <3

Hire the cleaner, ditch the "Mother". She's NEVER going to be the Mum you want and deserve.

Go NC and save yourself from further hurt.

OP your instincts are totally correct. She should care about your wellbeing and thats a shortcoming on her part that she can’t read the room here. It sounds like she was a bad mother to you and I’m sorry.

But respectfully you need to find a bit of anger here and stop trying to win her over. I would also do a bit of work on yourself (counselling would help), to work out why you’re motivated to try to please someone who isn’t worthy of it.

I really feel for you OP. It is not easy to simply “let it go” like some posters on here are suggesting. We all inherently, and universally seek and want validation from our parents/caregivers. I have been where you have been. I’ve had therapy a few times. To be honest, the most helpful analogy I ever got from a therapist was to “put down your cup of hope.” So essentially, it’s the hope (of your parent changing) that you need to gradually put down and let go of. I also think you need to go through a grieving process. It’s a very hard, complicated and ambiguous kind of grief - when you don’t get what you need from your mother. Not easy whatsoever. I think it needs to be a very gradual process where you apply lots and lots of self compassion towards yourself.

I think there’s also something to be said for radical acceptance. An acceptance that actually your mum is who she is, and she won’t be who you want or need her to be. Don’t allow her anymore time and head space than you’re allowing at the moment. Open yourself up to receiving love, care and understanding from others - trusted friends, your partner, anyone.

Absolutely nothing wrong with getting a cleaner - doesn’t make you a failure whatsoever. If anything, quite wise to outsource when you’re busy with 3 children. It means you’ll have more capacity and can be more present with your family.

I know it’s not easy, but you are deserving of so much more than what your mother currently gives you.

best wishes to you x

I’m so sorry OP. This is really sad to read. I’m sorry you don’t have a better relationship with your mum and she’s not nicer to you. Hug.

OP has said

'No my sisters didn’t go through what I did. It was only me (SA). They are much older than me and I was the vulnerable youngest one. A lot of bad things happened to me under my roof as no one really looked out for me. She seems to favour them more than me. Even as a child I could see that but I just accepted it.'

OP's mum is someone who ignored her younger daughter being sexually abused in her own home when she was 8 years old and you are calling OP 'incredibly insensitive' towards her awful mother? Your post beggars belief.

Just get a cleaner and don’t tell her.

Get a cleaner.

Block your mum.

Sorry OP - sounds really tough. You have made me realise that I’m still seeking validation from my Mum and that it’s a thing X

My late mil was like this and it’s so draining.
Just do what helps you and ignore your mum or don’t tell her. You’ll never get her permission , so do what you want to do.

OP, you have been through a terrible trauma, and your DM just isn’t the person you want her to be. You will have to accept the fact that you are an adult who holds down a job and runs a house with 3 DC and an often absent DH, and in order to make this work, you are getting a cleaning lady. You go girl! Your DM probably has many reasons for her reaction - she may be jealous - perhaps she’d like a cleaning lady herself but can’t afford or justify it; perhaps she’d feels that by putting you downs she is “better” than you; perhaps she’d harbours some guilt for what happened in your childhood. For whatever reason, your DM seems to be taking out her own lack of self-esteem on you. The jibe about cooking was just unnecessary and petty - maybe you should have replied, “Good idea, Mum, I’ll look into it.” The thing is, OP, you don’t need validation from anyone else, and especially not from your DM. You are doing what you think is best for your family, and that’s validation enough. You don’t need a pat on the head from your DM - you make your choices in life, and if your DM chooses to be negative about them, let her get on with it. Maybe ask her why she’s being so mean about your getting a cleaner - but it really shouldn’t matter so much to you, OP, that your mother is being disparaging. Are your older sisters equally negative? Do you have friends you can talk to? OP, you lead the life you want to lead. Get your cleaner and be happy about it, no matter what your DM thinks - the problem is that you feel you need validation, and your DM won’t give it to you. Take the power away from her - you don’t need her approval. Look at your lovely DC and discuss things with DH. Your DM’s opinion is really supremely unimportant!