AIBU to consider moving my autistic son after school support concerns?

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I’m really struggling with what to do and would really appreciate some honest opinions from other parents, particularly parents of autistic children/children with ADHD.
My DS is 9 and in Year 4. He is autistic and has ADHD, and the school are fully aware of his diagnoses. Despite this, the school are currently refusing to put him on the SEN register.
Academically, he is doing really well. He is particularly strong in maths and reading and has a real depth of understanding in both. He is on target for writing, although he finds writing harder because of his autism. In his Year 2 SATs he got 100% in maths and only got one question wrong in English, so academically he is absolutely not behind.
The problem is that school seems to be becoming increasingly difficult for him socially and emotionally.
He has no friends. He has told me that the other children think he is "weird", and sadly there has even been an occasion where another child's parent apparently agreed with their child that my son was "weird". I appreciate children don't have to be friends with everyone, but it is heartbreaking to know that he is aware that he is being viewed this way.
He stims quite a lot, and rather than supporting him with this, he currently sits separately from the other children because his stimming distracts them.
He is also finishing his work before the other children. Since returning three weeks ago, he has apparently read five chapter books because once he has finished his work, he is simply told to read. There doesn't seem to be any extension work or opportunities to challenge him academically. I worry that he is being punished for being ahead rather than being supported and extended.
The thing that has really upset me recently is what happened with swimming.
I warned school beforehand that he can become extremely overwhelmed and struggles to regulate himself. He is also a very good swimmer and doesn't actually need swimming lessons, so I asked whether he could opt out. School said he had to participate.
On Friday he became unregulated in the pool and school quite rightly decided that he needed to get out of the water. I actually think that was the right decision.
However, instead of allowing him to get dressed and giving him somewhere warm and quiet to regulate, he was made to sit wet and cold on the pool floor.
He is very thin and gets cold easily. His autistic thinking then led him to think that getting back into the water would make him warmer, so he jumped back in. He was then told off.
I completely understand that jumping back into the pool wasn't appropriate, but I can't help feeling that the situation set him up to fail. He was already overwhelmed, wet, cold and dysregulated, and then was expected to sit there and regulate himself in those circumstances.
The part that is breaking my heart most is that my son has written down he wants a friend.
He's 9.
I don't know whether to listen to him and move him, or whether I'm being too quick to consider changing schools.

I would ask them to put him on the sen register again and explain that he wont be doing swimming again. Maybe use the terms reasonable adjustment and disability and possibly discrimination if needed. If that doesn't work i would write to the board of governors making it very clear that this is a disability discrimination issue.

Oh OP, I really feel for him. Some schools do not have enough autism awareness or training. I work in a small private school, and we are extremely autism friendly. Lots of our students are very bright and have autism, and we are all fully aware and able to accommodate social, sensory and food needs within the school environment. Because a lot of the children have autism, they tend to find their tribe. It really doesn't sound like the school is taking his autism into account, and it definitely doesn't sound good academically either. I would never tell a student to 'just read' when they finish their work. The work should be challenging enough to keep them busy, and extension work should always be available. I would speak to the SENCO but also strongly consider changing schools. Could you afford to go private?

I would tell the school I withdraw permission for him to attend swimming firstly. I agree with first poster that you need to mention to the school that autism is a disability and reasonable adjustments are legally required. It sounds like they are neither extending him academically or making him feel included.

If school push back I’d absolutely be looking for a new school. Choose carefully.

My daughter is also autistic and within the school environment she is allowed regular breaks away from the class, access to sensory room, fidgets etc. I’ve pulled her out of activities that stress her out too much and there hasn’t been any push back.I had to fight for all of these adjustments though. If I’d said nothing she would have just been left to hide in the toilet.

Also just to add to this things are kind to get harder for him as he moves up through school and into high school

there is an education code of practice that is relevant as well as disability discrimination provisions in the equality act

you ought to think about an EHCP application now too. It’s not just about academics. It can take ages to get one but it would help you get the right high school place

frankly the primary school sound awful - many are sadly

Thank you everyone, looks like I need to find a new school for him which I knew anyway it’s just nice to hear I’m making the right choice for him. @CeciliaMars i can’t afford private unfortunately

Be aware that if you move him before you get him added to a sen register it might take longer as the new school will need at least a term, maybe longer to gather evidence before they can put him on it. Schools normally then like 3 terms on the sen register to gather more evidence before they will do an ehcp. But obviously you can request one yourself. Although it sounds like he probably wouldnt need one yet if the school were actually giving him reasonable ajustments.

Maybe look for a school which has an ARP for autism - he can learn with his class as able, but the ARP can be a place he can go when he needs some time out. He may also find it easier to make friends in the smaller ARP class - my friends son had similar challenges and really thrived in an ARP. The schools with an ARP generally have a better understanding of needs too

I think you need an ehcp to get a place actually in an arp/ir but schools with them do often have good knowledge of additonal needs so still a sensible place to look for a school place.

There are 4 recognised areas of special educational needs: communication and interaction, cognition and learning, social emotional and mental health, sensory and physical needs. A child can definitely have SEN without being academically behind (my DS is one such child).

I find it difficult to see how they can say a child who needs to sit alone, has no friends, can't safely participate in swimming, struggles to follow instructions, gets overwhelmed in new environments etc. doesn't fall into several of these areas.

If you're in England, I'd be saying that you'll be putting in a parental application for an EHCP and see what they say. I think your child certainly meets the threshold to be assessed for one. I would get this in motion before you move schools.

Request a meeting with the school. Follow up in writing so you have a paper trail as evidence should you require it. Remind the school they have a duty under the Children and Families Act 2014 to make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN and a duty under the Equality Act to make reasonable adjustments.

You can request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. You can do this now. You don’t need DS to already be on the SEN register and you don’t need 3 APDR cycles (neither do schools if they make the request). Don’t be fogged off by the school, LA or other people saying DS is too academically able. Academically able DC can have EHCPs.

If you are going to request an EHCNA, I would sit tight in the current school. I wouldn’t move until you either have an EHCP or you have a refusal to assess or refusal to issue and appeal. That is because some LAs unlawfully refuse because ‘DC need time to settle’. Completely unlawful and you can challenge it, but personally, I would avoid it if possible to avoid that line being used.

The vast majority of ARPs need an EHCP. It is unlikely DS will get a place in one right now.

the new school will need at least a term, maybe longer to gather evidence before they can put him on it.

This is not true. Some schools would like parents to believe this, but it isn’t the case.

Thank you everyone, I’m going to try and get an EHCP @BusMumsHoliday it’s good to know is you agree. I think I’ve become so institutionalised by this school (I’ve had a child at that school for over 10year) that I’ve just become passive and have not said anything even when I knew it wasn’t in my sons best interest. I’m just such a naturally quiet reserved person it’s hard.

@Bushmillsbabe id never heard of a ARP school I’ve just googled and theres three within my area!

Private schools aren’t necessarily autism-friendly. I’d move your DS to a different school and report this to Ofsted as a safeguarding concern. As an autism specialist teacher for over 20 years, this has made me furious on behalf of your DS.

Thank you, I’m so upset with it all, it’s nice to know I’m not overreacting.

You’re not overreacting at all. In England, there is no legal requirement for a child to be on the SEN Register, receiving SEN Support, or to have completed a certain number of school-based interventions before an EHC needs assessment can be requested. I’d contact IPSEA for advice.

Under Section 36(8) of the Children and Families Act 2014, the local authority must carry out an EHC needs assessment if:
The child has or may have special educational needs.
It may be necessary for special educational provision to be made through an EHCP.
These are the two legal tests.
Being on the SEN Register is not one of them.

The situation you describe is heartbreakingly common OP. Absolutely agree with PP that you should apply for an ECHP - you don’t need school’s support to do this but you’ll need to gather as much evidence as you can, so make sure you document everything in writing (emails to teachers about things like the swimming incident, etc). Unfortunately SEND support is seemingly reserved for those who shout the loudest, so you have to be very persistent with school staff to get anywhere. Remind them of their statutory duties (IPSEA has good model letters, and ChatGPT is quite helpful with this sort of thing too!) and don’t be fobbed off. When it comes to the local authority, the best advice I can give is be prepared to appeal at every stage - this is built into the process as they will automatically (and unlawfully) reject things like EHCP applications/amendments knowing that most parents won’t have the time/energy/knowledge to challenge them. It’s exhausting. My DC was in a very similar situation to yours and now has a funded place at a small independent school as we could prove it was the only suitable school that could meet need. It took two years out of school and all the MH problems that came with that, so in hindsight I wish we’d started the process at the first sign of any trouble. We had no legal help but paid for a few hours with a recommended local SEND consultant (about £60ph) to give us a steer through the process, as she was familiar with the local system and had helped many other families - she was worth her weight in gold!

That's great. He won't be able to get a full time ARP place without an EHCP, but at our school any child can access the ARP at lunchbreaks etc for social support, access the sensory activities etc.

This is so understandable - I’ve been through some shit in past few years but navigating the SEND system has been pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You’re made to feel like you’re going crazy by the very people who are meant to be helping, and even actively lied to, and the indifference to your child’s suffering is incredibly upsetting. There are a couple of academic studies which found SEND parents have similar stress levels to combat soldiers, which sounds ridiculous if you haven’t been through it but I can well believe it. I’d advise joining local SEND parents’ groups as this absolutely saved my sanity!

I agree - have led two ARPs and vulnerable children were able to access at breaks and lunchtimes. Also, schools with ARPs generally tend to have teachers and teaching assistants who are better trained in ND.

Maybe you should push hard to get him put on the SEN register in his current school, so perhaps it can be brought forward to the next school and you won't have to wait a Term to get him registered there (this would be while you are sorting out your new school for him

Just a quick update for everyone after your advice, I wrote a long email to the deputy head and had a follow up meeting with him the next day, the first words out of his mouth were ‘well they say everyone is on the spectrum’ he was completely condescending and dismissive minimising my son’s experience but I did what every British person would do… smiled and nodded whilst being completely fuming inside!

Arghhhh. No, they don’t say that- what an absolute twat.

so sorry OP but that would be absolute confirmation for me to move schools.

I would not be able to help myself writing a scathing follow up email outlining the difficulties experienced by autistic people and asking if he needs some CPD with the National Autistic Society.

Some people have expressed opinions that there are no longer characteristics experienced by all autistic people. This is not true – all autistic people who are diagnosed by a clinical team against strict diagnostic criteria have lifelong differences in communication, behaviours and focused interests compared to non-autistic people.

cited from:

www.autism.org.uk/blog/challenging-misinformation-about-autism-using-evidence-to-correct-false-claims

My grandson went through similar. The kids threw chalk and paper bits at him during lessons. They were vile little shits. He had no friends- it was heartbreaking. He now goes to uni. He is very clever in his specialist subject but has made no friends apart from a couple of online mates from his time at college.
It is sad. He is such a lovely young man.