Aibu husband lending money without telling me

[CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat]

Me and my husband have a joint account. All money goes in there.
We do struggle at times (doesn't everyone right now?) The past week ive literally been using the money self check outs to pay for things with ten pences thats how skint I am.
Got paid today then need to wait to get paid in a weeks time. Didn't get much just enough to wangle a small food shop but enough for us.

Only to find out half way through the supermarket we have less to spend as dh has leant money out without even bothering to ask me. 😡

Aibu to see this as a massive breach of trust? He says it doesn't matter we will get it back in a couple of weeks and that he didnt put anything in the trolley so its evened out. I am going without things like razors etc just make means end (be fine next month had a big expense this month!) I just feel so angry and disappointed.

OP, you should look into food banks in your area. I would also have a serious conversation with your husband and tell him to give his head a shake. Being able to only afford food for the children while the parents eat toast isn't normal - does he not see that?

In this case though, where money is as tight as OP says, I don’t think it would matter if they had separate money because he still wouldn’t have the freedom to lend £60 without it affecting the household budget. OP is going without meals, so unless she is recklessly spending, even if they put their money in different accounts, there isn’t enough for him to spend it how he likes, however stifling he finds it.

she said she had to spend her savings on a car.

You've been going without dinners this month. Has he? If so, are you saying he's prioritised this loan over eating three meals a day? That's actually quite extreme people-pleasing.

It's great that you have shared finances (in my opinion at least) but you could also have separate accounts for personal expenses. His loans should come out of his personal account. Spending family money on a loan when you're grindingly poor is totally unacceptable.

In your circumstances his need to be Billy Big Bollix was more important than you eating.
He sounds like another child rather than an adult.
Move your salary for sure.
Also rethink any further children with suchba man child.
I'm so sorry things are so tight.
He must live in cloud cookoo land to be so unaware of how difficult things are this month for you with a huge unexpected expense wiping out your buffer.

Was that there only savings though? She said she used her savings.
They have a joint account but not sure whether they have joint savings or individual.

I presume your DH is not aware of how tight the finances actually are. Why is he so removed from this that you can be not eating properly but he is lending money? Are all financial matters only managed by you? I agree with you in these circumstances I would get my own account and pay my fair share into the shared account for family shared costs only. Personally, until the finances improve and / or family member had paid you back, DH would be on toast for dinner too - he should have been beforehand. He should reap the consequences of his decision. If he was aware how bad things are and lent the money anyway, I don’t quite know what to say to you as he must be pathologically incapable of saying no.

YANBU and your dh is completely in the wrong.

However, why did you spend all of your £4k savings on a car which left you with nothing and using 10ps to buy your shopping and living off toast?

Why didn’t you buy a cheaper runaround which would have left you with a bit of a safety net? And then once you’d built up more savings you could trade it in for a more expensive car.

I think they must have been, she’s paying for the food shopping in 10p coins.

I just don't understand how DH is oblivious to their financial situation.
Is it that he just pays money in and then OP is the one that deals with all bills?
Also as others have said, is he eating normally or also living on toast? Is he even aware of this?

All very odd. Surely your check the balance of your account before sending £60 to anyone.

Yeah he did, he knew exactly what was there enough for a small food shop and petrol. There was nothing else. Yet he decided it was enough to lend money, and still do the other things when it wasn't. He is well aware of our situation, he just doesn't care.
Im making my own plans to save away from him and separate. Im sick of his selfish behaviour.

He was eating fine all week but he eats protein dinners and has loads in the freezer which I don't eat. So in his eyes him and the kids were fine so there wasn't an issue despite me saying I needed to buy my own food.

Well that is just plain financial abuse OP.
I think you should contact a DA charity for support.

Do you cook for yourselves rather than one person cooking for everyone?

Just start eating 'his' freezer dinners.

Yes we do we have 4 dc with different needs and its just easier. I don't eat what he does as I have chrons disease and the foods he has can set off a flare up.

I bet this is the tip of the iceberg @CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat☹️

He absolutely should not have done this without asking you.
It is doubly bad because younseem to have no margins, so had no warning that your balance would be low/wiped out.
It is triply bad that he has no idea of the financial situation and that his largesse would cause a food-shop problem.

So you go without food so he can play the big man.
And he sacrifices nothing?
It's time you took a step back and look at the big picture.
It's not good.

It just gets worse.
He's scum.

I would be telling family and friends this.
You without proper food because this waster gave money away.

How some women live on MN is heartbreaking.

This is crazy if you are going without food and essentials and paying for shopping in 10ps and he has given away £60 this is really serious. When you have access to money I would suggest urgently having a small emergency fund for yourself.

does your husband not understand the financial situation you are in?!

He's lending out money when you are skipping meals and eating toast to make ends meet. Meanwhile he gets food. He is not a good person. At least now you know that you have to protect yourself from his "generosity" towards others that means you starving. He's awful.

He has done a good deed and got the credit for it...
but at the expense of doing a bad deed for you.

Your stress about money after having a massive £4k car bill... hasn't mattered and now he's cross with you?

I think you are quite right to say you are not lending money to anyone. You are just as hard up as the sibling at the moment... and the wages you've just paid in are going to support someone else. That is so unfair.

I'd be wanting 1) an apology, and 2) a promise not to do it again.

I'd ring up the feckless sibling and say .. "We need it back for food " - that seems to be the key phrase to use to unlock lending.. and its actually true. I hope you find a way to buy suitable food for yourself this week OP x

Agree. I wouldn't be protecting his ego here. "Unfortunately because Bob gave you our money I don't have enough money to buy food for me and the kids. We have nothing to eat right now as I already used my last 10 pence to buy yesterday's bread. I will need you to give me the 60 back so the children and I don't starve. Thanks. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't ask Bob or me for money again as I can't afford to feed me and the kids when you take our money."

Perfect. This is exactly what I wanted to say but you have said it better.

Basically I would say the aim is to absolutely shame him in front of the family member and make it clear his actions are leaving his wife and DC without food.