AIBU to be cross at my in-laws snub at my child’s 18th?

[ABitMiffedOverThis]

A couple of weeks ago it was my eldest's 18th Birthday. I was always under the impression that 18 & 21 were "big birthdays". My side of the family acknowledged their birthday with a bit of extra to mark the occasion.

They didn't want a party so we went away for the weekend and did something my DC wanted to do.

My PIL sent a card and a token amount, and my SIL just sent a card. Now before anyone calls me grabby, I want to put this into context. My PIL and SIL have had milestone birthdays over the years. If you didn't acknowledge them in an OTT way you would be seriously in the dog house. My SIL's last milestone cost us £400.

My in-laws like to play politics and like to punish where they see fit. They have been off with my DC for a while now. My eldest is doing their A levels, has a job and a partner and is a typical teen. They are busy and their whole life is people their age, parties and being in their 6th form bubble. My in-laws are upset that my DC is not immediately responding to their likes and comments on social media and their lack of enthusiasm to join a WhatsApp group with their GP and Aunt and Uncle. TBH it is hard enough for me to get them to respond to my texts in everyday life. They think the whole world revolves around them, so will also be annoyed that we are not including them in the weekend away or paying for a big fancy meal out with them all.

Based on previous experience of my in-laws I think they have colluded to not really acknowledge my DC's 18th. I know that sounds far fetched but I have 30 years of witnessing this type of behaviour. They have always been like this with me, but I didn't really care. If you don't toe the line, they ironically go the extra mile to treat you with indifference.

DH and I have always said we would stay out of the family politics. They are always at odds with someone at any given point of time. HOWEVER, if they start on my DC then I know I am going to lose it.

WWYD?

AIBU to be bothered by this? I can see that my DH is a bit hurt and my DC is a bit too.

Do nothing, just leave it and ignore it or be done with the petty bollocks and never again acknowledge any of their birthdays with anything but a card?

You said your MIL sent a card and money for your child’s 18 th birthday , that’s seems fine ? Maybe they don’t do big 18ths but focus on 21st birthday . I must admit it annoys me that people expect to celebrate 18 th and 21st birthdays now .

Meh - my in laws didn’t do anything (the ones still alive) for either of my kids 18th or 21st. Except my FIL did say they stopped giving gifts once 18 (not that they consistently gave gifts anyway). Just move on.

Absolutely nothing to indicate that his 18th would have been any different to previous birthdays. So I reckon you were just looking forward to this big birthday so you could get on an arse about them doing what everyone would have expected.

and no way do you make a fuss of them @ABitMiffedOverThis . You admit they go away for their birthdays and you don’t see them for a couple of months after it!

basically someone who despises her in laws and just likes whinging about them. It’s a fortnight post event and she’s exhausted all her whinging with family so now moved on to Mumsnet

IME you don't have to signal that an 18th birthday is a milestone birthday for young adults. It is one.

My brother and sister in laws didn't need to throw a family party for me to understand that turning 18 was a big deal for my nieces/nephews.

So will you only buy your grandchildren a nice gift for their 18th if they have a party? That’s more odd to me

I’ve got grown up grandkids, and they all wanted to spend their 18th out with mates celebrating. Spending it with family would have horrified them. 🤷‍♀️

Quite frankly, if the family as a whole don’t really like or care about me (which it seems here), then no, I probably wouldn’t do more than a card.

The extended family do care, when it’s their birthday. Happy to be spoiled . They just don’t seem as interested when it’s someone else’s… op is matching their interest and refusing to pay for everyone else’s birthday and also pay for them when it’s theirs.. an 18th should be marked even if they think 21st is more special. If they only want to celebrate when someone else is paying, it doesn’t say much about them imo.

But they do care, they make more effort on their birthdays and often pay for everything. Most 18 years are only interested in friends at that time, I was but in a few years from then visited my gran weekly right up until I was in my 40s. If you punish teenagers when you are the parent or grandparents that’s not unconditional love

I bet @ABitMiffedOverThis spends her life holding grudges and looking forward to being in an arse about something or another.
I bet her DS and DH are simply thinking “oh gawd here mum goes off on one again about dad’s side of the family 🙄 “

Agree they were excluded from celebrating but expected to make a big deal of it. They are hurt but accepting that that's where you've put them. On the outside. Outsiders don't make a big fuss if you on your birthday.

You’d only send a gift to a family member if they were having a party?
Even when you lived 2 hours away?

I gave my nephew 1000 GBP for hot 18th birthday. He didn't invite me to anything I didn't expect it too... They can do better but they decided to not to

You're not being unreasonable.

There are a lot of people on MN who think it's up to the DIL to spend money and effort on in laws and expect very little back for herself and her DC.

Please, please, please do not spend money on these people ever again. DH should send them a card and that's it.

They are punishing an 18 year for not complying and punishing you for not breaking your back cooking for them

Do NOT reward them.