AIBU to be cross at my in-laws snub at my child’s 18th?

[ABitMiffedOverThis]

A couple of weeks ago it was my eldest's 18th Birthday. I was always under the impression that 18 & 21 were "big birthdays". My side of the family acknowledged their birthday with a bit of extra to mark the occasion.

They didn't want a party so we went away for the weekend and did something my DC wanted to do.

My PIL sent a card and a token amount, and my SIL just sent a card. Now before anyone calls me grabby, I want to put this into context. My PIL and SIL have had milestone birthdays over the years. If you didn't acknowledge them in an OTT way you would be seriously in the dog house. My SIL's last milestone cost us £400.

My in-laws like to play politics and like to punish where they see fit. They have been off with my DC for a while now. My eldest is doing their A levels, has a job and a partner and is a typical teen. They are busy and their whole life is people their age, parties and being in their 6th form bubble. My in-laws are upset that my DC is not immediately responding to their likes and comments on social media and their lack of enthusiasm to join a WhatsApp group with their GP and Aunt and Uncle. TBH it is hard enough for me to get them to respond to my texts in everyday life. They think the whole world revolves around them, so will also be annoyed that we are not including them in the weekend away or paying for a big fancy meal out with them all.

Based on previous experience of my in-laws I think they have colluded to not really acknowledge my DC's 18th. I know that sounds far fetched but I have 30 years of witnessing this type of behaviour. They have always been like this with me, but I didn't really care. If you don't toe the line, they ironically go the extra mile to treat you with indifference.

DH and I have always said we would stay out of the family politics. They are always at odds with someone at any given point of time. HOWEVER, if they start on my DC then I know I am going to lose it.

WWYD?

AIBU to be bothered by this? I can see that my DH is a bit hurt and my DC is a bit too.

Do nothing, just leave it and ignore it or be done with the petty bollocks and never again acknowledge any of their birthdays with anything but a card?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, I think it’s awful to punish a grandchild because an 18 year old hasn’t in your eyes made an effort. Most 18 year olds are like that, I was with my Gran and she still loved me hard and made a fuss to call and send a card and gift on my birthday. In a few years I visited her weekly and done her shopping and housework for years. If she’d had treated me like that at 18 I would never have been as close. Most teenagers just want to spend their time with their friends and you shouldn’t expect people to have parties. Anyway my in laws are the same but I just ignore it as I can see it hurts my husband so don’t want to cause anymore upset for him. My kids have picked up on the difference between in-laws and my parents and it’s not rocket science to guess who they are closest to now being older

Have the posters of the last 4 replies read the OP's posts ?

The Grandparents and other in-laws DID sent money and cards.

Yes but I think she knows them well enough to know that the Aunt sending no gift or money and the grandparents sending a token amount is not the norm for them and she knows it’s a deliberate act as they’re annoyed at not being included enough. If my parents gave £100 to all kids and grandchildren then my kid got £20 I’d know it’s deliberate. She says they have history for this. They expect and have received a lot more for their own big birthdays

My DD preferred the money in her hand to having some party or experience. Three of her grandparents were dead and her uncle and cousins live at the other end of the country, so there’s no family to sit and have cake with. And we never asked anyone to ‘pay attention’, we’re not the attention grabbing/present grabbing type

This happened constantly from one dB and sil , god forbid I'd forget their kids birthday but mine wouldn't get so much as a text. I've stopped showing up to things because they never bothered to come to things they were invited to. I don't feel guilty either . I love my dB to bits but I just can't be arsed anymore to put myself out.

I had to double check this wasnt my comment. That branch of the family now have the relationship theyve earned with my kids - absolute zero!
Any cards/gifts for them are no longer my responsibility and life is so much easier.

The Grandparents sent a token amount.
The SIL didn’t send a gift.

My nieces and nephews aren’t pay per view.

I send gifts regardless of family parties.
3 of my extended family turned 18 this year. I didn’t see any of them on or around their birthday and it made zero difference to their gifts.

And yes they got extra because they turned 18.

So you’ve been busy. All been on holiday. 18yr didn’t went a party and did their own thing

but obv you knew they were going to be 18 so not sure why couldn’t have planned a date to get together

you didn’t invite family to have cake and bubbles yet seem out out they haven’t celebrated with you ?

and £400 + for sil birthday I assume was a party /meal and stay in hotel ?

seems a lot but you could have said no

Sounds like you are mixed up in the family politics. You wouldn't be posting on here with the extra effort it takes to be gender neutral otherwise

Match the energy and completely ignore it. Who gives a shit if they cry? The less you see of these people the better anyway.

If you "lose your shit' you're feeding the beast. Your child is old enough for a grown up talk about that part of the family.

This makes no sense - you act as if they demand you make a fuss of their birthdays but then state you are the ones that offer to take them out - so its on you

Added to which the Op actually says that they usually don’t see them for a few months after their birthday because they generally go away to celebrate their birthdays!

You say your DC isn’t responsive on texts etc to them, you didn’t organise any kind of celebration, but you still expect people to go above and beyond for their birthday?

Good heavens
I could not be bothered to read of all that
Much ado about nothing

18 year olds don’t prioritise GPs and Aunts. They are part of the furniture. It is the (real) adults job to make a fuss and I think your in laws are bang out of order. My DC got the same gift as every other recent year from their GP on their 18th and was a bit upset that there wasn’t an acknowledgment of it being a milestone. Match their energy and see how that goes

If the birthday was such a milestone for your family, why didn't you celebrate in a milestone way?

By not having others celebrate with yourselves, you are essentially not wanting a big present.

Did you in laws have a big party for their milestone birthdays?

As per other pp, just match their energy, they get a token gift, no big meals out (are they retired/pensioners on a fixed income and you both work, bit different if so re paying for a meal out?)

You can't stop them, though. You can't control how they treat the kids. But it sounds like the kids are matching their energy and just not bothering with them much. Follow their example.

Why would you even send a card? That's your DH's job.

Not having a lot of contact with these two doesn't sound like the hardship they think it is.

I had lots of cousins as my DPs were from large families and no one was well off. Children under a certain age received a card and small present up to when they started work. At 21 presents and cards were sent according to how much each family could EASILY afford. After that no more Christmas or birthday presents, plus only birthday cards if remembered. DH's parents and relatives gave presents at Christmas and maybe a card on birthday. What is is with all the fuss and carry on about adult birthdays and Christmas? That is for children only surely?

I understand why you're disappointed in them, but it sounds like you know they're like this. So stop chasing an equal and reciprocal relationship. Either meet their birthday expectations because you enjoy giving them what they want, or match their energy. Don't waste time wishing they were different people from who they are. It's pointless.

So you haven’t planned anything big and haven’t invited them, but expect extravagant presents? That’s odd to me.

When my SIL and BIL had kids I always found that odd too. They’d get upset if presents were late but never invited us to celebrate the birthday.

A gift without a relationship is empty. Perhaps they’re realising that your child/family doesn’t value them at all and they’re feeling upset that essentially they’re just gift providers?

Why didn’t you invite them to your weekend away? Or provide another opportunity around yours to see everyone?

It just sounds like you really don’t like them and you probably never have. So if you don’t like them, and your kids aren’t close to them, what’s the issue?

And yes, a birthday meal does typically fall within two weeks of a birthday. It’s odd to celebrate weeks later because you’ve realised you didn’t invite them closer to the time and now, what, want to give them a chance to give your child a better gift? I wouldn’t, it’s weird.

Just accept the relationship you have with them and subsequently the relationship they have with your children.

Where does your husband fit into all this? They’re his parents, does he not want his parents around to celebrate?

The comment about having to do everything when they come over for meals - you do realise that’s because you’re hosting right? That’s a normal part of having people round. It’s usually no bother because you like the guests and want to give them a good time.

It just sounds like you really don’t like them and you probably never have. So if you don’t like them, and your kids aren’t close to them, what’s the issue?

Basically this.

This is s good point. Your teen isn't that bothered about wider family at the moment and they've taken umbrage. You haven't made any arrangements to celebrate so PUL are making a point by doing nothing special either.
. It's not a happy situation but could be a turning point for making less of big birthdays in future. 400 for an adults birthday is too much unless it comes from the heart.

Sounds like it was the GP’s and aunts matching the energy

Cards only from now on. Discuss with DC and DH together how you feel and how you would treat others etc. Discuss your values. Your DC can earn from it and not take the silly and hurtful behaviour from the in-laws seriously.