TW AIBU in wanting to support a friend after her son’s conviction TW

[fluffypillowssndgreywhites]

NC

My friends son has been found guilty of Rape.

I want to support her but I just don’t know what to say.

She’s in denial, believes he is innocent despite being found guilty by a jury.

I don’t know the specific details of the case as the reporting is restricted and I haven’t asked her any questions, just listened to what she has said, which hasn’t been much about details more the verdict.

She has today, posted a meme on Facebook about loving her son unconditionally.

I want to message her, but what do I say? What can I say?

WWYD? Leave it? Or send a message?

It’s really tricky. I wouldn’t want to talk to her about it because I’d believe he was guilty. I’d be sorry she was in that position but I couldn’t tolerate her complaining about him being convicted. I suppose I’d see what had been reported in the press, if anything.

Why would you want to support someone who condones a rapist? A convicted one, given it’s hard to get a conviction. She can still love her son, but posting about him as if he is something to be proud of?

How close is this friend? I’d absolutely get in touch if it was my very close friend. But not if they were more of an acquaintance.

You can of course support your friend (without supporting her son), offer to be a shoulder to cry on, an emotional support, help spend time with her to take her mind off it.

But if a jury found him guilty and she is in complete denial…… I would personally find that very difficult.

all you can do is listen. maybe meet for coffee and ask her what she think happened. ask her how she feels. listen carefully.

you'll get an idea of whether she is loyal to her son but conflicted and can't believe what happened, or really believes the victim was being malicious. If the latter, i'd cut ties but if the former, then you can keep listening and ask more questions.

You could just say “I’m here for you if you need me, you are my friend and I care about you”.

You can show your support for your friend without endorsing her support of her convicted son.

Its loyalty.

I think its good you want to support your friend, she hasn't done anything and shouldn't be punished for her sons crime and I can kind of understand her not wanting to believe her kid did something so hideous. She will need her friends if she ever moves from denial to accepting what he did.

I woud just send a message saying you are here if she ever needs anything or wants to talk.

From very short conversations she thinks (at the moment), it was a case of young people making mistakes.

It’s very, very hard for me to write things about this without unintentionally causing offence as it is not a reflection on what I think about this.

I would personally find it very very hard to remain friends with someone who is willing to support a convicted rapist regardless if it was their son

I would want to support a friend in a situation like this BUT:-

There's a massive difference between loving your child and condoning what they did.

The fact she's condoning a rapist would me too much for me.

Rape convictions are one of the post difficult to get a conviction so evidence has to have been very strong.

I could support someone in a difficult situation but not in this instance. Dismissing rape as a "mistake" is where the line is crossed for me. Rape should never be dismissed or miminised.

I get a Mothers love is unconditional and no matter what they do or were to do we never stop loving and wanting to protect them. However If she is not disgusted by her Son then she’s almost as bad as he or is it a case where she’s that disgusted she doesn’t want to believe it rather than being behind him because there is a huge difference

A mistake is putting a red t shirt in with a white wash not violating someone!

My friend was very supportive to me at a difficult time in my life, very different as it was illness related, but very supportive.

I feel like I should do something but I don’t know what or if I even should due to the nature of what’s happened.

She hasn’t done anything wrong in the eyes of the law and shouldn’t necessarily be punished for her child’s actions but equally, her denial, which I suppose is normal? I don’t know? But would we not be in denial if our child did something like this, for a short time?

Then I think, he was convicted, he did it. Can I listen to her being in denial for a year? Or his whole sentence?

I think she believes it was two young people who went too far and that it’s all a mistake.

He said consensual.

She said it wasn’t.

He did not deny having sex. They were in a casual relationship of sorts at the time.

She doesn’t, at the moment, believe that he could have done it. I don’t know much more than that or how deeply she believes it or whether she’s just saying it to be loyal to her son to people outside of her family.

I would treat this as similar to having a friend who has a different religion, or political opinion. You can support without condoning what her son has done.

Given how difficult it is to get a guilty verdict for rape or sexual assault, the evidence must have been compelling for the jury to return a guilty verdict.

Will your friend expect you to believe her son's version of events?

I don’t know and I think that might be what is making me anxious about messaging/meeting.

I know the courts make mistakes and all that, but for a very young man to be found guilty and expect a custodial sentence, especially for a rape crime, means the evidence must have been there that he did it. Without reasonable doubt.

For someone to have been found guilty of rape, I assume there was a fair bit of evidence because women are notoriously screwed over by the legal system in that department generally.

I would be supporting my friend if she wasn't in denial but honestly I couldn't support someone whilst they were talking about how their son had been done over by the system in this scenario, personally.

It's really hard to get a conviction at a rape trial so the police must have pretty solid evidence Op, you friend just can't bring herself to believe it, she forgets his relationships with other women are nothing like a DM/DC

@PJ98 She hasn’t said he’s been done over by the system.

She, at the moment, thinks it was two young people who went too far and it’s all escalated. Male was 16. Female was 15. They were in a relationship of sorts.

I agree, hence my confusion about whether to get in touch or not.

It's nigh on impossible to get a rape conviction. I wouldn't support a rape apologist. I might tell her that I would be there for her when she's ready to admit what he's done. I

Also, the verdict was published by the local paper on a social media platform, but it’s now been removed, does anyone know why that would have happened?

It's difficult isn't it. I don't trust the legal process at all so I wouldn't assume anything just because of a verdict. But.. I also wouldn't shout about it from the rooftops.

I'd probably just remind her you're there for her emotionally, and happy to help with her emotions around separation from her son and any other difficulties.

But then share that you don't wish to talk about the verdict because it's disrespectful to the victim. Hopefully, she has family or access to a support network for people in her situation, but it isn't fair to drag others into it who may have more faith than I do in the legal system.