TW AIBU in wanting to support a friend after her son’s conviction TW

[fluffypillowssndgreywhites]

NC

My friends son has been found guilty of Rape.

I want to support her but I just don’t know what to say.

She’s in denial, believes he is innocent despite being found guilty by a jury.

I don’t know the specific details of the case as the reporting is restricted and I haven’t asked her any questions, just listened to what she has said, which hasn’t been much about details more the verdict.

She has today, posted a meme on Facebook about loving her son unconditionally.

I want to message her, but what do I say? What can I say?

WWYD? Leave it? Or send a message?

I think in your place I'd see your friend, I'd want to see if she was just in denial an whether she expected me to agree he was innocent. I'm sorry, this is really difficult for you

Due to their ages I would suspect. The victim will have anonymity due to her age.

I know from experience that a jury can get things wrong - that they can find someone guilty without any evidence, but because the accused legal representative was dreadful. However, jury's can also get it right too. There are too many people that are innocent but incarcerated, too many guilty people walking the streets.

The mum will need you to support her as she will be very upset. If you are a good friend you will know this. If you are not very close, you don't have to give this. Its up to you.

If you believe her son is guilty, please remember that she is not! She needs her friends right now just to listen.

Its really up to you to decide what to do. I hope she's ok. This is an awful situation for her, guilty or not. She must be heartbroken.

I’d guess his age, perhaps?

And I think his young age is probably part of the reason she’s in denial. Such a tough situation; would she accept a friendship where you just didn’t talk about him at all? Would she want you to express any opinions on him? If she does then I think you’ve got no choice but to be honest with her. Tell her you love her and will support her all she needs, but you can’t pretend to think he’s innocent.

I just feel so sorry for her. Her address has been published in the papers, it’s been in the local papers and online.

I think what worries me is the posting of meme’s. I can’t get behind that. Just say nothing.

I worry that she will post a meme or something and tag me in it. For I all know, I could be friends with the victims Mum too.

I couldn’t support a rape apologist.

Does she (understandably) still love him despite his horrendous actions, or does she believe he’s innocent / it was a mistake? They are totally different things for me and would dictate my answer.

I’m asking because the Son of a family friend killed his girlfriend. It absolutely destroyed his family, along with hers. I haven’t seen them since as I live abroad but my parents see them regularly. They still love him, and I believe they visit him in prison (where thankfully he’ll be for many many years) but they have never made any excuses for him, nor shied away from the horrific nature of his actions.

I work with sex offenders, I used to work with victims of serious sexual and violent offences. It is very complicated, at the moment she cannot compute that the baby she birthed, the boy she loves is capable of an offence so heinous, her brain will be working all kinds of gymnastics to rationalise what is happening, she is in denial, but it's also a trauma response of sorts. It is not uncommon. I think maybe if she continues to talk about him you can say you want to support her, but you can't support him.

I have also NC.

My DS best mate has recently been charged with sexual offences against a minor. He has pleaded guilty. My DS had no idea what his friend was doing, but he has cut all contact. His mother than asked him to supply a character reference, and when my DS refused, he received dogs abuse!

It must be so hard as a mother to accept your children are capable of such crimes! In your shoes, if she cannot admit her DS has done wrong, then I could no longer remain friends.

It's not her fault he did this so don't lose her as a friend when she's going through this. You don't need to say you think he's innocent or minimize it. But you can be supportive of her own personal feelings and emotions.

I am not sure you need to send anything that has anything to do with the event. A simple "Hi Sandra, I am just touching base to see how you are feeling. Is there anything I can do to support you at the moment. Don't feel pressure to reply if it is not a good time".
That's all. Keep it simple.

He cannot be innocent if the victim was under the age of consent. She cannot consent at 15. i would try to help my friend understand this.

it doesnt mean he is guilty
but you dont have to take sides

I think this is what is happening. It must be so hard almost impossible to acknowledge let alone accept that your clever, funny, popular son is now a convicted rapist.

I have a son. I keep looking at him, trying to imagine what I would do and what I would expect from my friends.

I think I’d know inside myself whether he had done what he had been accused of, but I’d also be so completely and utterly ashamed I wouldn’t be able to leave the house or speak to anyone ever again outside of my family.

i dont think this applies any more does it?

Denial is very normal, it’s a protective mechanism and part of our psychological defences against things we just can’t process. I’d be supportive of her and give her space - the more you try to shake her out of it, the stronger her defences will become so she’ll double down on her denial. She’ll need good people around her when that comes crashing down.

This is good.

I think it’s the nature of the crime has me spiralling and over complicating it.

Having sex with someone under the age of 16 was still statutory rape in September last year. I know this because I noticed a case in the local media; he was found guilty for that reason, even though the girl said it was consensual.

It's never applied to 15 year olds. Girls under 13 can't legally consent, but 15 year olds can. It's still illegal for a boy to have consensual sex with them but it's not rape.

I'm in a very similar position with my close friend. Different type of crime, but also very serious - custodial sentence.
She agrees that he has done terrible things but at the same time she says he wouldn't have done them if xyz hadn't happened to him previously. Basically blaming it on someone who led him astray.
I support her because she's had a rubbish time and I get that she loves her son unconditionally but I find it increasingly difficult to hear her justifications.

I love my best friend with all my heart , if this were her son i would do my best to support her whilst doing my best to keep my opinion to myself.
She would be at her lowest i imagine , and i would not be prepared to throw away decades of mutual loving supportive friendship when she needs me more than ever now despite what her child had done.
It's not right but most ? many ? mothers are going to believe their son regardless of evidence.

The age someone can legally consent to sex is 16 and I assume your friend's son knows that. I don't know any teenage boy that doesn't know that.

So regardless of what actually happened, at a minimum he should have known that you cannot have sex with a 15 year old girl.

Ahh that makes a difference.

At 15 she cannot consent.

Perhaps your friend feels supportive of her son because its possible the girl consented at the time then decided at a later date said she didn't consent and hence the charge. Did they fall out?

Perhaps your friend feels that if they ages were different the outcome would have been different?

Whatever the circumstances your friend has her reasons for feeling this way so just let her know you're there if she wants to talk.

She will have anonymity because it’s a sexual offence anyway. Nothing can be published which leads to the identification of a victim, its lifelong anonymity

For a 16 year old to be given prison time, it will have been very serious with hard evidence. Just look up reports on cases where the rapist is 16 and gets prison time, you'll see for yourself.