I presume this would bother you too… how can I phrase this to know one way or another? Can I even ask this?

[Howyoop]

Met someone five times now. Really get on well, message a lot in between, lots in common. He’s around 10 years older, I’m 39 he’s 47.

He hasn’t had a serious relationship before. He told me this last night on our fifth date. I asked a little about it, he said he was painfully shy and has had insecurities which he thinks didn’t help. His three other siblings all been happily married for a long time with children.

He said he had liked a lot of people and there had been ‘brief things’ that hadn’t materialised as he hadn’t met the right person. I didn’t go into it more than that but now I am actually wondering if he’s never had sex before?

I don’t think I am being shallow wanting to know this. I am not sure how I would feel if it turns out he’s a virgin. I want to know before I see him again. How do I ask this? Can I even ask this? He’s been completely lovely and I don’t want to upset him or make him feel uncomfortable.

Well how would other people feel with a virgin of that age? I feel like it could be uncomfortable and stressful

Hmmmm, to me the whole concept of 'being a virgin' is rather an outdated social construct when we class it as PIV (penis in vagina) sex. We wouldn't say that lesbians who have never been with a man are virgins. I believe that young people nowadays are more open to seeing sexual experience in a wider way, rather than so black and white as someone's either a virgin or not.
I kind of hate that pressure of the 'V' question, as I remember it!

So maybe this man has done some stuff sexually, but not everything. Or maybe he hasn't. My advice would be to not be so fixed on whether he's "a virgin", but you could gently probe as to whether he's had many/any short term flings etc. He'll probably open up to you in time.

Do you really need to know beforehand (apart from for sexual health reasons)?
If you like him, let it naturally get physical and have some fun! If he's technically a virgin then how nice for him to finally get some experience and with someone who really likes him.

Would it change how you felt? If not then you don't need to know really

No, but they've managed to keep it quiet if they haven't!

no, i think it would be embarrassing and awkward for him

I think it’s quite sweet that he’s opening
up to you about his previous insecurities and if he has waited for sex - how often do we hear about men who ONLY really want sex?

never mind about other people

why so critical of him

Do you fancy him my love ? Do you want to get closer to him or are you abit reticent due to his lack of experience ? Xx

i dont think you should even think about his sexual past

I have been happily married for 20 years. We met age 40, he had never had a relationship and I to this day do not know if he was a virgin. It is none of my business. He is loyal and kind and our sex life is good. God you could meet a guy who has had 100 sexual partners but has no idea about taking care of his partner. Don't be so judgemental, take each day as it comes and be grateful he has no baggage

Yes, weird, but I would find other things more off-putting: if he's never lived independently, never left his home town, never been on holiday. Sex is sometimes a matter of luck, not everyone is into casual sex.

I don't think you should ask except around sexual health reasons.

What if he's had 100 one night stands?
What if he paid for sex as a spotty 20 year old?
What if he's had a couple of casual flings?
What if he's never had full sex?

How many people I've slept with is no one's business but mine.

@Kevinbaconsrealwife yes I do fancy him. I can be a bit shy myself though. But for all my shyness I do like a good night in the bedroom 🤦🏼‍♀️ I don’t want to fall for him more and then find he has zero confidence in that way

Can you ask if he has kids? That doesn't have to be a result of a long term relationship and maybe it would follow.from. there?

Jump his bones then and get it over with 🤣

Could it be possible that your feeling like this is about you feel about your own sexuality?

How confident do you feel? How open to discussing your needs, or taking suggestions on preferences from your partner? How capable at talking about sex without embarrassment or shame? Do you feel you can take the lead? Do you prefer the man to?

Maybe you both have new things to learn?

@LavenderDisco interesting point. Yes absolutely could be. I love sex but genuinely don’t think I’ve ever had mind blowing sex some people speak of

I wouldn't waste time on someone I don't feel 100% comfortable with these days, and Lord knows I've had plenty of bad sex with people that were supposedly experienced anyway. It's the lack of human connection that would bother me not lack of sexual experience.

Does he have a lot of friends? a big family? Is he used to considering someone elses needs and feelings?

I was thinking something to this. Are you used to the man taking the lead and you following? I have to say I think I would find it a bit of a turn on if a man hadn't slept with anyone else. Remember sex is a very human activity. It's essential to survival of the species. If you strip away all the societal expectations it is a biological imperative and so people generally have an instinct for what to do (assuming he's not asexual or similar). Perhaps not an instinct to do exactly what you want/like but that comes from communicating openly and lovingly. Whether he's slept with 40, 2 or nobody before you, this would always be the first time both of you have had sex. There's no need to be wary.

Ok I understand ….for whatever my two Penneth worth is , this is what happened when I met my now husband of 19 years…met at a BBQ…. Thought nice guy but didn’t dwell as it was 90 miles away from where I live… he asked my cousin, the host for my number and we chatted for a couple of weeks on the phone …..I had NO idea if he was interested or not….all fine….then he came up a few weekends later….now I’m a very impatient girl but it often stands me in good stead….so we went out on a really nice lunch date, then drinks back at mine…..he kissed my hand when I accidentally knocked it…..at that point I just said “ Look , if you just want to be friends that’s absolutely fine, but if you want more than that then can you please just get in with it and kiss me “…..so he did…and we didn’t see daylight for a couple of days ….and that was that OP….💁….not saying it remotely works for everyone but I was 35 at the time ( 54 now) and just thought “ fuck it”….good luck however you decide to move forward xx

@MCF86 yes good friends and very lovely to his mum and siblings. He often asks me am I comfortable and am I ok etc. Not once given me the impression he doesn’t think of others’ feelings

I wouldn't assume he's a virgin but I also wouldn't be interested in a serious relationship with someone that age who has never had one before. If he is a virgin, I wouldn't be interested either.

My brother was at 49 and his soon to be wife at 41....so yes quite rare but both happily married 8 years on ❤️
Why judge? We all have different life stories

Noooooooooo 😲. Don’t do that.

Nooo! Don't be so crass! If he is, he'll probably tell you if you start getting intimate.
And, yes, it's very unusual but not unheard of. I know a woman who had a long term relationship with a guy like this. I say had - she was sadly widowed after 3 decades but they were really happy together.