I presume this would bother you too… how can I phrase this to know one way or another? Can I even ask this?

[Howyoop]

Met someone five times now. Really get on well, message a lot in between, lots in common. He’s around 10 years older, I’m 39 he’s 47.

He hasn’t had a serious relationship before. He told me this last night on our fifth date. I asked a little about it, he said he was painfully shy and has had insecurities which he thinks didn’t help. His three other siblings all been happily married for a long time with children.

He said he had liked a lot of people and there had been ‘brief things’ that hadn’t materialised as he hadn’t met the right person. I didn’t go into it more than that but now I am actually wondering if he’s never had sex before?

I don’t think I am being shallow wanting to know this. I am not sure how I would feel if it turns out he’s a virgin. I want to know before I see him again. How do I ask this? Can I even ask this? He’s been completely lovely and I don’t want to upset him or make him feel uncomfortable.

I would just assume he hasn't and take it from there (or not!).

If sex arises then maybe you could talk a little about past history. Otherwise I don’t see what you’re going for here apart from drama

Yes I think it would be weird to be a virgin at almost 50 and that’s why I think he probably isn’t one

You can insist on STI checks without asking about their history.

These two things are completely different.

she can at the right time, but not over a text message as she was suggesting and in a much less intrusive way!!
anyway she thinks it could be weird so sounds pretty judgy so perhaps not the right relationship 🤷‍♀️

What has happened that he now able to be open about himself when this has been a barrier to any kind of relationship until now?

My last partner had never had a partner and had only had sex once before me (he was in his forties). He was very good in bed 😂

And then I’ve had men with plenty of experience who were crap!

I thought it was only teenagers who cared about who is and who isn't a Virgin.

You never know, you may lose the love of your life if you text him to ask him if he’s a virgin. I’d run a mile if I were him!

No I don’t think it would be totally weird at all. Unusual yes. But not weird. Depends why. Unrequited love, shyness, nervousness, chronic fear of rejection, bad experience leading to performance anxiety.

Men can require confidence. The worst thing to do is be shocked. Be kind, understand, pretend etc. if you like him. He might turn out to be wonderful.

Dear god, seriously? You’d text to ask if he’s a virgin? While I’m unlikely to ever be on the receiving end of such a text (because I will never, ever date again), my response would probably be a crisp ‘fuck off’.

If you feel you need to know, and I can see why you might, take the approach LavenderDisco suggests.

So if he says that he is, is it over then because you’d think he’s a weirdo? Poor guy.

It’s in his kiss! 🎤

Not totally weird no.
There are men who for different reasons haven’t found a woman to be with. Part of the reason could very well be that past a certain age, this very lack in experience is partially what is holding them back.
If we accept that women shouldn’t be asked about their past sex life we shouldn’t be asking men.
I personally wouldn’t be bothered in that there is no correlation between ability to please a specific partner and number of partners someone has had.

I think some of these replies are harsh - my main concern would be that, if he is a virgin, it might be a much bigger deal to him to have sex with OP?

I'm not sure you can directly ask the question though!

Could you perhaps frame it as a question about STD tests or something like that?! (Assuming yours are up to date, it's not unreasonable to ask that question at all!)

Ask him round to get a takeaway and a film. Watch 4 weddings and a funeral. When you get to the bit where Carrie starts counting off all her ex lovers, tell him yours.

Best advice

Entirely inappropriate

The whole concept of virginity is so outdated. If he is a “virgin”, he hasn’t put his penis inside a woman’s vagina. What if he’s done all sorts of other sexual things, just not that one? OP, I would seriously question why it bothers you so much. Perhaps he has, perhaps not. Surely you only need to worry about the time, if it happens, that you have sex with him, rather than worry about whatever time may or may not have happened before.

I am 50. I have never had a long-term relationship, I’ve never found anyone I wanted to share my life with in that way. I have had sex. You don’t need to be in a relationship for that. I have a friend who was in an entirely sexless marriage for over a decade.

Just focus on the relationship as it is now, don’t judge what’s happened in his life before.

Asexual. Aromantic. Just a hunch. Happy to be wrong OP

Sorry but, to me, never having had a relationship at 47 is a big red flag. I would also assume any man in that position would either be asexual or a user of paid-for sexual services.

I wouldn't specifically worry if he is a virgin, but I would wonder how you get to 47 without having a serious relationship.

I do think you'd have a challenge on your hands. There's a reason (or lots of reasons) why someone that age hasn't had a relationship and I don't think I'd stick around to find out. I mean he may be lovely and all that but it's a bit risky.

It would be very unusual - but there could be all sorts of reasons. If he’s a lovely guy and you’re in the UK it seems pretty unlikely tbh.

Please don’t ask him OP. Especially not by text 😱 It really isn’t any of your business. And you might end up losing a perfectly good bloke.