Can I get some advice please?
My mother is in her mid-70s. For around five years I have been observing a series of behaviours that concern me. It isn't one isolated thing; it is an on-and-off pattern of things that seem unusual or out of character.
Some of the things I've noticed include poor comprehension, suspicious/paranoid behaviour, becoming easily angered, rigid thinking, repetitive/OCD-like behaviours, poor judgement and planning, and some concerning boundary-crossing behaviour, including taking clothes that don't fit her and snooping through my belongings and shopping from my bags/room.
I suspect there may be a cognitive problem, possibly a behavioural form of dementia, rather than a problem that would necessarily begin with obvious memory loss. Unfortunately, I have struggled to get anyone to take the concerns seriously because the focus has been on whether she is forgetting things.
She can still manage familiar routines reasonably well. She can get a bus into the city, spend the day shopping and come home. My concern is that much more may become apparent when she is outside her established routines or has to adapt to something unexpected.
I am also the person who is with her most of the time. She can be very difficult with me, easily argumentative and sometimes quite unpleasant. At other times she develops fixations or requests that she expects me to take over, such as wanting me to operate the internet for her, look things up online or arrange things for her. She has never learned to use computers or the internet herself.
The immediate issue I would like advice about is going into town.
Around three weeks ago, she went into the city alone by bus in the morning and returned around 6pm. On the journey home she developed travel sickness. Since then she has become apprehensive about travelling into town alone. She now wants me to go with her, or wants me to tell her whenever I am going into town so that she can come with me.
I understand why she may feel apprehensive after becoming travel sick. However, I am worried about what happens if I start accompanying her.
I work hard and my hours can be very unpredictable. Sometimes I have very intense weeks and sometimes work keeps me later than expected. My days off are also some of the only time I have to myself. I may want to get on a bus or train spontaneously, go somewhere for the day, have a meal and come home. I don't want to have to organise my free time around whether my mother wants to come into town.
There is also a history that makes me reluctant to take on regular shopping trips.
A couple of years ago, in the run-up to Christmas, she repeatedly asked me to go into town with her and help her shop. I spent days thinking about shops and things I could show her because she said she didn't know where to go. When we actually went into town, she refused to branch out from her usual shops and rejected the suggestions I had made. She was very rigid about what she wanted to do, and the whole morning became stressful rather than helpful.
I also don't want to become responsible for managing her while we are in town. For example, she tends not to stop properly for lunch or tea. She can spend hours shopping, perhaps buy a packet of snacks and sit on a bench for a few minutes, but she doesn't really take a proper break. I don't find spending a whole day doing that relaxing, and I don't want to become responsible for making sure she eats, rests or manages the day.
She can also make decisions that I find difficult to understand. For example, she may decide she is going into town despite torrential rain. I don't want to reach a point where she expects me to accompany her regardless of the circumstances.
My concern is that there is currently no formal support arrangement. I don't have POA or any formal responsibility for her. Yet if I start accompanying her regularly because she is apprehensive about travelling alone, I could gradually become her de facto support person without anybody formally recognising that this is happening.
At the same time, I don't want to ignore something that could potentially be a genuine change in her ability to manage independently.
So I would really appreciate advice from people who have been in a similar situation.
How do you maintain a boundary such as, "I am not available to accompany you into town regularly," while still recognising that an older parent may genuinely be becoming less confident or capable?
I don't want to argue with her or give her a long explanation every time. I would rather keep my own plans and availability fairly vague rather than create a regular arrangement that I can't sustain.
I'm also concerned that if I start helping with town trips, online shopping, appointments and other practical things, it could mask the difficulties I am already trying to get professionals to recognise.
Has anyone else dealt with this — where the parent can still manage familiar routines but increasingly wants a family member to take over or accompany them when something becomes difficult?