AIBU to stop helping neighbours after they involved their son?

[Yorkshirelasss]

I’ve been helping out my neighbors for around 3 years now. They go on holiday about 5-7 times each year. I have always helped them out for free because I’m genuinely not bothered about a payment.

It started off really easy. At first I just fed the cat, changed its water and scooped the litter tray. Then they added treats to this, fine easy. Then they added putting the bins out. Then they added watering the plants on the front and back porch. Then they got 3 huge flower beds installed so I also had to water those. Then the cat needed medication. This was a step too far and I said that I wasn’t going to do that again, but that I was still willing to help everything else.

Anyway, moving on to last year. Through my job I found out that their adult son is a level 3 sex offender. At first I was absolutely horrified and wasn’t sure what to do. As he doesn’t live there, and very rarely ever visits, and any know convictions were from 20 years ago, I decided that I wasn’t going to hold it against them so I didn’t say anything.

Moving forward to Tuesday night and the neighbors ask me to cat sit on Thursday. They only ever give me a few days notice when they are going away as they know I’ll look after the cat. Anyway, they said that another neighbor was going to come and do the medication and could I do everything else. I’m guessing that they still wanted me to do the rest so that they didn’t have to pay the other lady. I was fine with that and agreed. However, an hour later they then text again and said that she could no longer do it and that their son (name) was going to do the medication instead. I said I absolutely was not going to visit the cat if he was going to be there.

So here’s my issue. They were willing to have me, a lone woman, shut inside a house with a bloody level 3 sex offender. All the while with them thinking that I’m blissfully unaware that he’s some disgusting human being. Surely even if you’ve personally forgiven your child for their crimes, you still have a duty of care not to put a lone woman in a vulnerable position?! I’m wanting to post the key back and never help them again. I couldn’t sleep on Tuesday night and my behavior was extremely erratic yesterday, because I just kept wondering how the hell someone could do that me, even more so when I’ve done so much for them.

So why does part of me feel guilty for not helping them ever again? Really I know that I’m not being unreasonable, but I still have this stupid guilty thing that is niggling at me.

Obviously you're not being unreasonable. You're not being unreasonable even if you take the son out of it entirely! You've drawn a boundary and you have nothing to feel bad about.

What is the official definition of a level 3 sex offender?

A person who is assessed to pose a very high risk to the public.

Post the key along with a note saying you will no longer be able to help them. You don't have to give a reason. At most say it no longer works for you if you feel the need to say anything.

Honestly, thank you! I think I needed to hear this. Sometimes I’m terrible at drawing boundaries with people. It’s strange though because I can be very outspoken when I need to be.

I just googled it and they are apparently a high risk of re -offending and considered potentially dangerous in the community.

You are not being unreasonable OP to be extremely upset by this
Tbh your neighbours sound like chancers who have been taking advantage of your good nature for years. You have done more than enough to help them already.

OP, you have done an enormous amount for your neighbours, who frankly have put upon your good nature - and now it’s time to draw the line. I’d tell them that you can’t believe they were willing to make you share cat duties with their sex-offending son, and that you will no longer be available to look after their house and cat, or water their garden and pots for them when they go away. Then give their key back, and leave them to it.

Thank you so much for advice! I think the note sounds like a good idea. It’s probably best that I don’t write an explanation because I don’t want them to think that it’s because I don’t have time, because I do have time. I want them to realise that what they were wanting to do was totally unacceptable. I mean I’m sure they probably aren’t going to realise this but I hope they do.

It sounds like they are taking advantage of you regardless of the situation with their son. Do they do anything for you to return the favour?

This is what I really want to do, but I also have to live next door to them. Thankfully we have quite some space inbetween houses but I don’t want that sinking feeling everytime I drive down the street.

They have got me some small gifts from their holidays a few times. They have done that about 5 times over the years. I really don’t mind having anything in return, that’s not why I do it. It’s just the awful realisation that they just don’t respect me as a person at all. I can’t imagine putting someone in such a vulnerable position. I’m sure the chances of me being attacked are low, but still, he has done it multiple times before.

The neighbours have majorly taken advantage of you in the past. Taking so many holidays and often giving you little notice and cheekily adding to the unpaid chores they expect you to do with a smile on your face while they are away.

They do not respect you and see you as a willing door mat and as you have come to realise are entirely uninterested in your well being and safety.

As advised by others, it is time to cut them adrift and for them to put their hands in their pockets and pay good money for someone else to do their donkey work!

Are you absolutely sure of your facts- sure you’ve got the right person etc? And is there any chance this could cause trouble for you at work?

I would probably just say I’m not able to help anymore so it’s great news their son can do it. Ditto next time.

You sound like a very kind person. You're not being unreasonable at all. You're under no obligation to help them out for free. They are liberty takers. Why don't they ask their son to water the plants, feed the cat and all the other things you do? Politely but firmly tell them you can't help anymore.

I wouldn't mention their son to them. Could you get in trouble with your employers for looking him up?

You are not being unreasonable. There are a couple of things here, though, is it something that is known to the general public or just through your work, like social work or policing? If it's just through your work, I would just say that doesn't suit me this time. As Mumsnet says, no is a complete sentence. If it's publicly known, I wouldn't hesitate to say you will not spend a minute with any possibility of him being around and you're astonished they would put you in such a position.

The worst bit though is potentially yet to come, prepare for them to minimise (it was only online! She was a liar! She was eleven but she looked 16! That sort of thing). I expect they will do that and you'll be completely disgusted by them that you'll be wishing for the cat to be rehomed and their flowers to die.

Parents always want to see their kids in a good light, for example one of the school trustees for my school board has an ISIS terrorist for a son, 40 years in a jail in the USA. Yet she defends him, he had mental health issues and the FBI agent who snagged him was exploiting a poor, poor boy. He went on to blind a prison guard a few years into the sentence. They really believe their own lies, it's the most horrifying bit.

It doesn't seem like you have much of a choice, though, either be a sitting duck in an empty house, no witnesses, with a sex offender trying to get a tablet down the neck of a cat, or you say no and hopefully it will be a nice "thanks for everything, understand you can't do it this time" or what I've described above. Hope it all goes okay but as others will come on and tell you they are taking the mick at this point.

100% sure of the facts. There was a photo of him on the paper, and although I didn’t recognise him to begin with, I have seen him there since and it was the same person. There has also been weird little things that have been said in conversation that meant absolutely nothing at the time, but once you start seeing the bigger picture it all makes sense. It’s the same with the family dynamics, the daughters live miles and miles away and I have never seen them visit, ever!

No, it wont cause any problems at work. I couldn’t live with him, that would cause problems, but he can be related to a neighbor.

I more meant if you tell them you won’t help because of their son,, could they complain to your employer that you’ve misused your access to files or anything like that?

I would be cautious about the backlash from them and the son and I’d therefore not mention the reason as to why you can no longer do it for your safety as well as your wellbeing.

You have to see these people everytime you open your front door. What they did was absolutely unacceptable of course and they’ve taken advantage of your kind nature of the years.

It’s time to cut them loose. I’d say due to personal health reasons I’m finding the task difficult but I’d rather not discuss. Therefore going forward I won’t be able to attend to your property.

As a person he’s known to the public. You can find him online etc. My job is with vulnerable people, so we have to have photos of people who could pose a risk locally so that we can identify them if they came close. What he did is not public knowledge, the basis of it is. I’m a bit crazy with the internet though and if I want more info on something then I spend hours and hours trawling through sites until I find what I’m looking for.

Oh no, nothing like that. It’s literally printed out pages pinned on a notice board in case we don’t go online or watch the news or whatever.

The backlash part someone mentioned is interesting. I hadn’t really thought about that but yes I should be careful. I’m not bothered about the employer thing as they’d not be in the least bit interested. Violence would concern me, not from the elderly couple, but from the son. He has been charged with substance offences in recent years so who knows what state he’s in half the time. He really doesn’t come round much. I think it has only been a handful of times. Then again I’m not always home and don’t curtain twitch. He just has a car that sticks out to me.

Okay, then you need to channel your "outspoken when you need to be" part of you or you might be putting the lotion on your skin or you'll be getting the hose again. Jeez some people are unbelievable, just wow.

Do you mean a mappa level 3?

I’m sorry I don’t know what that means.

I know but living next door makes things more complicated. I don’t wanna make my home life horrible. My home is my sanctuary!