I’m quite torn on this one, because I can see both sides. On the one hand, I completely understand that individual children may not thrive educationally when rules are applied too rigidly, and that there are times when flexibility and understanding are genuinely needed.
At the same time, I do worry about what happens when we remove too many boundaries. The reality is that the wider world doesn’t always accommodate us when we struggle with expectations or choose not to follow the rules. That can have consequences for employment, friendships and relationships, and I think part of our role as parents is to gently prepare children for that reality.
I also wonder whether, as a society, we have sometimes become so focused on accommodating individual circumstances that we have lost sight of the importance of shared standards. There will always be a reason why a particular rule is difficult for a particular child, and sometimes those reasons are completely legitimate. But if children see that the rules can be set aside whenever there is a reason, it can become difficult to understand why they should apply to anyone at all.
For me, rules and boundaries aren’t necessarily about control for its own sake. They form part of the social contract that allows people to live and work alongside one another. I worry that, in our understandable emphasis on individualism and person-centred approaches, we can sometimes lose sight of the responsibilities we have towards the wider community as well as towards ourselves.
I remember being a teenager and having a very clear sense of boundaries. I was genuinely scared of the police, and talking back to teachers was unthinkable. You were expected to respect authority and understand that there were limits. I’m not suggesting we should recreate that environment wholesale, or that fear is a healthy basis for raising children. But I do think children benefit from knowing where the boundaries are, even when those boundaries sometimes feel frustrating or unfair.
I also think we can sometimes do children a disservice by intervening too readily on their behalf at school. Obviously, if there is a genuine welfare or safety concern — for example, something relating to appropriate access to toilets or a child’s physical wellbeing — I would absolutely expect us to advocate for them.
But where it is simply a matter of finding a school rule frustrating, my starting point would probably be: try to work within the system and get on with it. Not because their feelings don’t matter, but because learning how to navigate rules, expectations and occasional frustrations is itself an important life skill.
Ultimately, I’m not going to be able to call a future employer and mediate every time my child encounters something they disagree with. What I can do is support them, listen to them, help them understand the situation, and coach them to speak up for themselves appropriately when something genuinely matters.
I think there’s a balance to be found between advocating for our children and giving them the confidence and resilience to navigate the world independently.
TLDR: do what is needed and accept you will have to comply to get ahead. Eventually you can change systems within. Our children will face hard lessons in adulthood if they are coddled too much as children. They have an inherent resilience, let them grow it.