To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

Some men are just like this. They're like this with other woman too. Don't take it personally. It's not pleasant and I can see why it stings. You've found out early. He's probably not the man for you.

Some men are just like this. Doesn’t help that he’s bisexual either. Forget him.

Don't feel bad. It sounds like you are both looking for different levels in a date. Your heart is open for love and he is more interested in friendship dates with maybe a bit of affection.
If you still want to see him maybe have an honest conversation first about expectations.
The other thing, (and I mean this kindly, without judgement) is maybe lay of the alcohol a bit, at least until he gets to know you better. It could be affecting his view of you.

i think you are better without a big drinker
you drank to excess yourself in the past.
no good comes of that

There’s a phrase that works here ‘if he wanted to, he would’
You don’t have to chase, ask or beg for affection or attention. How you handle this will set the tone for anything that follows so think carefully about how you want any potential relationship; respectful, honest & fair or always chasing?

@AmberCatz you've posted about him twice before where he has been confusing you, why no kiss, is he flaking/is it a real date? You haven’t been sure for a while what his intentions are so… maybe on his side it wasn’t romantic or he wasn’t sure, kissed you and felt no spark? No man who is interested would turn down sex for the first time with someone they want to have sex with, even if they have to work- this is hurtful yes, and it’s happens to everyone at some point. I’m sorry it happened to you, good for you for standing up for yourself maybe if someone makes you start 3 sepperate threads about them and their intentions that’s your answer. If their interested you don’t need to wonder if they are. Sorry op.

What’s him being bisexual got to do with it? Did the OP say somewhere he was bisexual?

It’s fucking wild how so many posters subscribe to the view that if a man doesn’t want sex he must be gay or have an issue. I absolutely don’t believe those people would say that about a woman.

sometimes a thread makes you remember quite how shitty Mumsnet can be

Haven’t read full thread or even all your replies.

IMO it’s fine for him to not want to come back to yours. If he had work the next day, he’d have to dash home in the morning to get ready, adding logistics to a hangover. Plus, it’s not wise to have sex with an inebriated woman, as it can amount to sexual assault. Also worth considering he may also struggle with his confidence, e.g. when naked, having sex etc.

If he’s been dating, holding hands and kissing you, he must find you attractive.

But he shouldn’t have walked off when trying to find a taxi. That was rude, even to do that to a friend.

Have a good chat with him. But sounds like you need someone who’s more forthright with their affections.

My apologies op I misunderstood.

I think you will feel 100 times better once the alcohol has left your system. It’s so horrible when you drink too much and act out of character. Look after yourself the next few days eat well, sleep well, get some fresh air. Calm your nervous system with whatever feels good for you reading, binge watching, exercise, cinema with friends, When your mind wanders to this guy divert your thinking as quickly as you can- park and say, I’ll think about this when I’m feeling better. I don’t think he is the right guy for you and while rejection is truly horrible. I think it will work out for the best. There is nothing wrong with enjoying some male attention and it’s so hard not to get validation from that but just remember everyone is leading their own complicated lives so don’t take their reaction to you as any indication of your worth. Take care and enjoy the pet sitting.

@AmberCatzGive yourself a break and stop over analysing this. The worst that occurred was showing a bit of upset which we all would feel at thinking we have been rejected in some way.

The booze has tainted your recollection and feelings of not being as 100% in control as you usually are. Forget it, stop beating yourself up trying to figure out answers that won’t materialise. Remember who you are, take back control and let go of the inner negative voice x

Maybe he has a teeny tiny penis ?

Agreed! Sometimes men can be interested and then change their minds, for all manner of reasons. Or be quite enjoying things but then realise they're on a different page and then pull back to avoid hurting the other person further. It doesn't mean they're bad people! Just as women can also change their minds after kissing or sleeping with someone, if you realise you're not feeling it then what else can you do?

Just because someone doesn't want the same thing doesn't make them a bad person, whatever gender they are.

Dating is brutal and rejection hurts. It really does hurt. We can acknowledge that without blaming those who are doing the rejecting. All the posts saying he was wrong, he must have something physically wrong with him etc etc, they're a bit disturbing. He said no to going home with an inebriated woman (which is a good thing!) and he decided not to pursue things further. That's all within the realms of normal dating behaviour. Surely this many posters wouldn't berate a woman over the same behaviour.

I don't think it's especially helpful to keep going back over what he might be thinking either. We don't know what he's thinking! He's just one person and there's a whole world out there anyway, why does it matter what he's thinking?

Just shows, the pp was right, very little difference between men and women, many prescribe to the andrew Tate school of thought.

He said he doesn't want a romantic relationship.

He does seem to like your company. Can you just be friends?

Have fun on the island! Is it Jersey and is Henry Cavill single again? 😉😁

Fwiw this friend of friend may fancy you, but do you fancy him? Don't settle for something just because you feel peer pressure.

Hi OP you have some great advice on here.

I know it feels horrible but all this confusion about intention and analysis wouldn’t be there if he was the right person.

In my experience if a man is interested you won’t be left in any doubt and if he’s not there is nothing you can do and there is no point trying to work it out. You wouldn’t need to be posting on mumsnet.

The fact you instigated the kiss to me after several dates over a few weeks of dating / knowing each other backs this up.

It is shit I know but the reason I know is because it’s happened to me many times (and most of us let’s face it). Why I met my husband he asked me on the next date on the date we were on. It usually is that simple.

It might not be an issue with you at all OP. Maybe he has some issue with sex - ED or other performance issues. The way he kissed you sounds like he fancies you but maybe he was anxious about going to yours for sex and it being a disaster. Maybe he was distant and walking away because he wasn’t sure how to handle it. I realise I’m being very sympathetic to him, but this seems a possible explanation to me. It really does sound like he liked you.

I would text him and ask him straight - what’s going on.

@AmberCatz the house sitting idea is great, and YES bonus that there’s a cute neighbour who’s got his eye on you.

The flaky guy probably fancied you in his own way… but something held him back. So to be honest, it’s not going to happen (at least in a happy, fulfilling way for you) He won’t be able to give you what you want.

And you don’t need to work out what it was that makes him so ambivalent and all the whys. It wasn’t working is all. The rest doesn’t matter.

Your drunken behaviour, fuck it! At least it came to a head and now you know. Most of us have been there and done something stupid.

You were in love with the potential, not the real guy.

Your bruised ego is still keen to prove that you COULD get him, you two were so perfect after all right? Don’t let this run the show. It’s a detour - if you’re looking for a committed relationship.

He‘s not that into you. And it’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything about you.

And to all the posters getting upset that ‚mumsnet‘ is making up stuff just because he turned down a late night shag with her, the OP literally said this man is bisexual.

I’d be furious if someone didn’t make sure I got home alright especially if I was very drunk. This alone is really bad form!

Also, true if someone is a a career focused 40 year old they might be sensible and turn down sex, but in this case? Normally, most guys would jump at the chance. This tells me that for whatever reason, he’s not that keen. And note, this is down to him and some issues he has and has nothing to do with your attractiveness!

If I were you I keep going and live your life. I’d also mute him on social and block his number on your phone. That way you’re going to be back in control. He’s going to be a time waster.

Good you know now and not spend two more years pining!

How on earth is the andrew Tate school of thought that if someone doesn’t put out after a snog then there is something wrong with them, being kind about them.

Honestly OP this guy sounds like a couple of the arty-bi blokes I fell for in my younger days. Total timewasters. Walking off ahead of someone you’ve just kissed is plain bad manners. You were right to say what you said. You’ve dodged a bullet, sleeping with him would have made it all so much worse. Sounds like you have a lot going for you and you’re still young. Hold on for one of the good guys.

Hope you are starting to feel better now, @AmberCatz. I have read all your comments though not the full thread of the last couple of days. I hope you are not still getting attacking comments. If you are, I hope you are feeling strong enough to ignore them. I have commented before that I think this guy mislead you and you are better off without someone who puts out mixed messages. It sounds like part of you knows this - do hang on to that when you get these spells of feeling low. You sound like a very insightful and emotionally literate woman who has taken responsibility for her part it what happened. I totally identify from my younger self with everything you are saying about your age, what you've through in recent years and wanting romance and connection as well as a successful career. FWIW, I think you have every chance of achieving that! I think it's obvious you are not going to drink that much on a date again and also that you will be checking out compatibility of lifestyles carefully with any future guy - all good lessons that will serve you well. This incident will all be behind you very soon and the pet-sitting trip sounds just what you need. Have fun and take care!

I am a ruminator too and I totally understand that. But you've started 3 threads about him and only been on 4(?) dates (that don't really sound like dates) and it seems pretty clear that it was never going to turn into anything. I think even I would have walked away if there was no kissing after 2 dates - if I am reading right he only kissed you on the 4th one and you instigated it. It's pointless trying to analyse what his mindset was.

If you do get into dating, value your own time much more and be more ruthless about things.

Woke up this morning feeling better - no knot in my stomach.

@Pr1mr0se mentioned friendship, I think that might have been possible and preferable due to our mutual friends if he had taken some responsibility even for walking ahead of me while trying to get a taxi. I'm disappointed he didn't try to make any amends. We both drank too much but at least I said 'I'm sorry'.

I still struggle with the rejection here, I hope it will ease eventually. I do still feel quite foolish but I know I'm human.