AIBU to give our child the biggest bedroom and a double bed?

[SpicyMargFTW]

Walking home from school and got talking to someone I sort of know just from both living in the same place. We moved house recently (only a few streets over), which this person knew (it's a small community!) - relevant because of the direction the conversation took.

Anyway, we were talking about school and sleep (we have similarly aged children at the same school), and I mentioned that we'd been up in the night with our little one, but my husband fell asleep with them in their bed. They questioned how my husband and little one could comfortably sleep in a single bed together and I explained our little one has a double bed so it's fine. They then commented why have a double bed for a child and something about children needing room in their bedroom for toys / to play. I explained that the bed and mattress were hand-me-downs (they were like new) and our little one has the biggest room in the house so there's plenty of space for everything.

They were weirdly disapproving and sort of rhetorically questioned, again, why a child has the biggest room in the house and a double bed. It was very odd. I did try to (carefully) explain that we have plenty of space so it makes sense to us, and we didn't do this when we were in the small house.

I mean, first, why would anyone else care about the bedroom and sleeping arrangements of someone else, in their own home? I find that so strange.

To us, it makes sense to put our little one in the biggest room - they have the most stuff and it means we can keep everywhere else organised and tidy! And the double bed was not only a freebie, which there is plenty of room for, but it is also so, so useful for bedtime stories, being they're when they're upset / poorly, or we just want to encourage a lie-in etc! I love that they have a double bed in their room!

It's not like we've always been in this situation. We used to live in a small house with just two ok-sized bedrooms and a box room, and it was a squeeze - we did a good job of keeping toys tidied away but it was getting more and more difficult. Our new house is quite large (we have five big double bedrooms) so we can easily have the set-up we've got and I feel it works best for all of us. It's not as though we've spoiled our child with the biggest room and squeezed ourselves into a box but this person acted as if we'd committed some cardinal sin!

Anyway, given their reaction, I want to ask AIBU to give our young child the biggest bedroom and a double bed?

I have been thinking is swapping. I am only in bedroom to sleep but the teenagers spend more time. I totally get it

Oh yeah, it's always been the norm to me, too - parents in the biggest room and children in the smaller rooms with single beds! Most houses I've been in have had a clearly bigger-than-the-rest bedroom, so I get it, but our layout is unusual in that there are a few really good sized bedrooms. It's not as though we've shoe-horned ourselves into a box for our child's benefit! We have plenty of space, too.

I didn't share as I'm an only child but all my friends/relatives who had sisters shared, as did their children. Expecting parents to buy houses with enough bedrooms for each child is very entitled, and unheard of in most cases in earlier times. Why was it such an issue to have friends around? I don't recall entertaining my friends in my bedroom.

My Mum grew up poor, with parents in poor health, so they couldn't afford and weren't well enough to take her to things (sports clubs, music lessons, language lessons, theatre, concerts, sporting events etc). She entirely understood why she couldn't do those things, and loved her parents dearly, but she was aware of what she missed out on (seeing her friends all do those things, often together) and so she worked extra jobs to give me those opportunities.

She'd have probably lost her mind 🤣

I wouldn’t be telling them anything again, that information will be all around the school gates in no time.

Why would us having second hand stuff rub someone the wrong way?

I only mentioned it was a hand-me-down in response to her having already taken issue with our child having a double bed.

That's awesome ☺️

My favourite place is the kitchen. I like to dance in there!

This is a lesson to you to be more guarded about private details I am afraid. It’s none of their business and you do what works for you. There’s quite a bit of toxicity that comes from the school gate, sometimes and not always of course. But you should be mindful of it. I’m not sure why you needed to share this and it only signals you welcome comments. Ignore them and move on.

Our family home had 2 bedrooms on one floor and 2 on another. Our older kids were on the top floor and because she was only 3 when we moved in and used to still get up in the night, our youngest had to be on the same level as us. One room is huge across the whole front of the house, another is big and next to the bathroom at the back of the house. My youngest ended up in the huge room as we preferred being away from street noise and next to the loo! She is still there now, 15 years later. It works for us.

I'm not sure how old you are but I'm only 30 lol. My friends mostly had their own rooms as I said above. When I was at secondary school that was the just my experience. The ones with nice bedrooms had friends over and sleep overs etc.

Everyone is different and it may not have crossed your mind or bothered you or the next person but it was something that I was conscious off.

I don't understand why people find it so hard to understand or believe that I didn't like sharing a room and found it embarrassing to have unmatched cheap furniture and share with two siblings? I don't think it's entitled either to want my own space?

if you head over to the blended family threads you will learn very quickly that it's unacceptable to share a bedroom 😂😂😂 (joke btw)

I feel like people are finding it hard to resignate with my living situation growing up but my truth is my truth.... hth

Yes I find it odd that a child would have the biggest room. I feel like it would set them up for a life of expecting to be given the biggest and best of everything even when they weren’t the ones paying for it.

The master is for the parents as they are the ones working hard for the home and in charge of it. The only time I can see this being otherwise is in cases of illness or disability where the child requires the space perhaps for devices or healthcare processes or due to autism etc.

This person isn't a friend - just someone I know from around town who I, by chance, was walking next to on the way home from school.

As for a decision we've made, in our home, causing jealousy... Surely that's a "them problem" and completely unreasonable? I couldn't give two hoots what others do in their own homes - it's none of my business - and that's the view I've always held, regardless of my own circumstances. Thankfully, our friends aren't the jealous type... They wouldn't be friends, if they were!

I think it’s fine, but I have heard that it can send a signal to the child wrt hierarchy and importance within the family which can ultimately be unhelpful down the line!

Size-wise and layout it probably is more similar to a typical American home.

Because it wasn't insincere. Or modest. It's a fact. And it was said in response to ultimately being challenged (very odd) about my child having a double bed. We didn't go out hunting for a double bed for our child. I wouldn't have thought about getting them a double bed (though, with hindsight, it's genius). It's just because it was given to us and we had the space.

Of course its insincere.

It’s personal choice, don’t let her opinion bother you. DD has the biggest bedroom in our house for a number of reasons. We are perfectly happy with our bedroom not being the biggest!

I really can’t abide overly judgemental people. Just ignore her and stay happy with your very sensible living arrangements

I shall be tactically swerving in future!

It was just so odd. Started out as a completely innocuous conversation - I think I yawned and she said something about school / tiredness. I explained we'd been up in the night because of our little one but joked that I at least got the bed to myself after hubby fell asleep with our little one. That was it, from my side.

I then got a really quizzical look and asked how on earth could they possibly both sleep comfortably in a single bed (I think she was angling at my husband having done something wrong / taken over our little one's bed) hence I said it was absolutely fine for them both because little one has a double bed.

She then went on, even more quizzically / disapprovingly, with her comment about children needing space for toys / to play more than a double bed. I probably should have said nothing back but I was only half in the conversation whilst watching / parenting my child on the way home so I wasn't fully thinking when I said something like "oh, it's ok, they've got the biggest room so they've got space for their bed, toys and to play".

As for that getting around the school gates... Thankfully, I'm not there to make friends and, as far as I'm concerned, anyone who cares for such shite gossip isn't worth having a relationship with!

I wasn't really there chucking out personal information. It went something like...

I yawned and she said something about school / tiredness. I explained we'd been up in the night because of our little one but joked that I at least got the bed to myself after hubby fell asleep with our little one. That was it, from my side.

I then got a really quizzical look and asked how on earth could they possibly both sleep comfortably in a single bed (I think she was angling at my husband having done something wrong / taken over our little one's bed) hence I said it was absolutely fine for them both because little one has a double bed.

She then went on, even more quizzically / disapprovingly, with her comment about children needing space for toys / to play more than a double bed. I probably should have said nothing back but I was only half in the conversation whilst watching / parenting my child on the way home so I wasn't fully thinking when I said something like "oh, it's ok, they've got the biggest room so they've got space for their bed, toys and to play".

I don't think I invited the comments. I thought it was just a very off-hand conversation to begin with then it took a turn.

As for the school gates... Thankfully, I'm not there to make friends so I'm not overly fussed what goes on, there!

I don't think our child has (or will) notice that their room is the biggest. All the rooms are big! We haven't shoe-horned ourselves into a box for our child's benefit. Our room is, maybe, the third biggest in the house? I'm not sure. But it's got the most wardrobe space so it suits us. We chose our room first and then we chose the room that most suited our child for them. It's not like our child has the master suite. There isn't one, really.

As for growing up expecting things - I cannot stand ungrateful children and I know it's going to be a fine line bringing our child up in this environment, with lots of opportunities, whilst keeping them grounded. We're teaching them to take responsibility for themselves and play a role in the house (they tidy their own things, often of their own accord, help us to clean etc), how to save for things they want, they are very-well mannered and polite etc. We're doing our best.

How many children do you have OP ? My youngest has only just got a double bed this Summer (she is 19). I wish we had bought her one years ago as I agree they are easier for sleepovers. Her room is smallish so I felt a double would take up too much space with toys in there too, but perhaps it would have been better. Eldest has the largest room and has had a double for longer, but her room is oddly configured so we all have roughly the same space really. I do think making it as fair as possible between siblings is good. We co-slept for a long time but it’s handy to have a double if small children are in their own bedrooms as there are always nights when you need or want to be in with one of them.
I am baffled why anyone else would care about your bedroom arrangements ! Surely everyone works out what is best for them as a family ? I suppose I slightly feel that parents (or siblings sharing) should get the largest room if there is a noticeable difference in size, because the room is for two people, two wardrobes etc. That is just a general thing though, it doesn’t apply to you as you have loads of space.
I think she is perhaps jealous that you have lots of room ?

I have no opinion on another families bed sizes. But I think after reading the OPs updates that I might guess the neighbour walking home is jealous of the OPs 5 bedroom house for a 3 person family, and that is what motivated the argumentative questions.

Also, I think OP also knows she is not unreasonable to give her child a double bed but she wanted to tell people all about her spare rooms for hobbies and her library and piano in the hallway so she started this thread! Perhaps her bragging isn't going down so well In Real Life.

I can totally understand that but I don't think they'll notice, to be honest. And children can be humbled in lots of ways! It's something we have our eye on. I can't stand ungrateful / entitled children!