AIBU to feel unfairly ostracised after a joke at the sports club?

[Sasco86]

So a few weeks ago, there was what I perceived as a jokey conversation going on and another mum said her stepson was as gay as they come. I jokingly said that she wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren from him any time soon then. To me, i was just joining in on the jokey conversation and that’s all it was. I have now been ostracised and reported to the safeguarding lead officer at the sports club this happened at. People who were my friends have taken her side because she’s made it far more of a thing than it was and my children have even been told things that are far from true. I almost feel that this person is now trying to bully us out of the club. Adult bullying is by far the most horrible situation I’ve ever experienced.

To be honest OP, I think this woman didn't like you to start with for whatever reason and has used it as an excuse to get you thrown out. I'm not very keen on your so-called friends here either as they could have helped settle the matter down and spoke on your behalf but instead they've taken sides.
I wouldn't be surprised if down the line she found another victim - bullies like to be in charge.
Your comment was slightly insensitive but she started it and if I were you I would make a counter claim. Good luck OP, it's a hard one. x

She sounds twisted

it was a shitty and possibly homophobic thing to say
No idea why its a safeguarding issue though and its unfair if your DC are being bullied becauseof it

She’s being extreme but it was a weird thing to say. She could’ve just said that to you though.

@Sasco86
Your blunder here was not reading the room in a way that was socially acceptable to the group.
How things escalated makes me think that this evident faux pas was leapt upon by someone who wasn’t too keen on you to start with, and used as an excuse to ostracise you further.

Often pointing out facts in the way of a joke, which are connected to feelings and emotions doesn’t go down well in a group setting, especially in predominantly female ones. It’s one of the non written rules that the majority follow but some don’t notice.

You’re fine OP, what a lot of drama over nothing. If she was offended she should have said something then but it seems like you just made an off hand comment on what you thought was the tone of the conversation. Taking it to a higher level is absurd

Why was she discussing her step-sons sexuality in public anyway?
Thats inappropriate

It was an awkward joke to make, but hardly offensive. Gay couples are much less likely to have children than straight couples (and lesbian couples are more likely than gay male couples, but still less likely than straight couples). So you weren't saying anything wrong or offensive.

She's really reaching in order to take offence there, and being incredibly over the top. Reporting you to safeguarding? Jesus.

Honestly, her saying her step-son was 'as gay as they come' is the potentially homophobic thing here, if she was (as is likely) referring to him being stereotypically camp, or effeminate.

You should have known better.

There is no humour allowed now. Repent

Whether It’s inappropriate depends entirely on the context. Eg. If someone asked “has your step son got a girlfriend” and she said “oh no he’s as gay as they come!” It wouldn’t be inappropriate, being gay isn’t some sort of shameful secret anymore! Unless of course he’s in the closet and not ready to come out but I highly doubt that esp if he’s “as gay they come” which I’d take to mean very camp, loves going out on the gay scene etc.

Inappropriate comments which at one time would've been dealt with there and then are now referred to safeguarding. What a world we live in. Its a bully's charter.

Completely agree, the step-mother set the tone for the conversation and I doubt her step-son would be pleased to hear himself described in this way. The OP was just stating basic biological facts in a (what she thought) light hearted way, in response. Seems as though the step-mother is just trying to pick a fight, for whatever petty reason.

That's so ridiculous. My DD2 is gay and has already said she has no interest in having children (adopted or by donor sperm) so that's that.
I don't generally go around telling people I barely know that she is gay though and if someone said no grandchildren then I'd agree with them.
It's not offensive. If she's so bloody sensitive about it perhaps she shouldn't bring it up.
Reporting it as a safeguarding issue is just ridiculous.

Not exactly kind to be discussing your stepsons’ sexuality at a social gathering though is it ?

Neither of you covered yourselves in glory there.
Not a nice way to be discussing a young man ffs.
Im sorry there are kids caught up in this.
Hopefully you can explain your 'joke ' in better context and apologise if required.
Banter is not your forte by the sounds of it, best avoided in future.

It was inappropriate and insensitive, as well as incorrect. Not saying you meant it negatively, but hopefully you are learning from many of the responses that it really wasn't the best thing to say. If you were close to them, and were sure they would understand what you meant, it would still be a poor joke but you could move on easier. It appears you weren't close and they have taken it badly.

It doesn't excuse anyone bullying. However, have you apologised at all? Or doubled down on there being nothing wrong with what you said?

The only way I can see out of it is to apologise, say you now understand it was inappropriate to say, you meant it as a joke but admit you were wrong. You can express disappointment in the way they reacted afterwards, two wrongs don't make a right. But yours was first so can't see them doing a U turn, without an apology from you first.

I wouldn't say that to someone as having children is quite a sensitive topic. I also wouldn't go ballistic at someone for making comments socially about whether DDs would have children, it seems a very engineered OTT reaction.

I wonder is this just the straw that broke the camel back? You mention that you perceived the conversation as jokey but was it? Do you often perceive conversation differently than other people and hence say the wrong things?

Otherwise it seems like a over reaction to admittedly not good comment.

Have you apologised for your comment?

I totally agree. Discussing someone else's sexuality is inappropriate and saying they are "as gay as they come" is an offensive remark. She should be the one reported to safeguarding.

It was an awkward and inappropriate comment, but to me, the stepmom set the tone by saying "as gay as they come". I would see that as being a stereotype of being gay - ie, camp. If she meant anything different, she could have said it better. But that's life - people make faux pas or use the wrong wording, just as you did. I wouldn't see that it needed such a drastic reaction. But I wonder do people know the details or just that you have been referred to safeguarding? That could involve something much worse than an offensive comment and I think a lot of people if they didn't know the details would assume the worst.

Sounds like an extreme overreaction from the sort of people who are always looking for something to find offensive. Sympathies, OP.

this was a nasty and untruthful thing for you to say. Plenty of gay people have kids.

Very different for gay people to make a joke themselves compared to people making it about them. Same for any minority.