AIBU to feel unfairly ostracised after a joke at the sports club?

[Sasco86]

So a few weeks ago, there was what I perceived as a jokey conversation going on and another mum said her stepson was as gay as they come. I jokingly said that she wouldn’t be getting any grandchildren from him any time soon then. To me, i was just joining in on the jokey conversation and that’s all it was. I have now been ostracised and reported to the safeguarding lead officer at the sports club this happened at. People who were my friends have taken her side because she’s made it far more of a thing than it was and my children have even been told things that are far from true. I almost feel that this person is now trying to bully us out of the club. Adult bullying is by far the most horrible situation I’ve ever experienced.

it’s a throw away comment that could just as easily have been said to a friend whose daughter got a big promotion at work.

personally ‘as gay as they come’ is more offensive

Again, "as neurodivergent as they come" is only "highly offensive" if you view neurodivergence as a shameful thing, or if it's in a context where negative things are being said about neurodivergence.

I picked the neurodivergent example because it actually applies to me and my DC, and in no way would I be offended by it, if said as a neutral descriptive statement by someone who loved/respected me.

As I've said, it definitely could be said offensively based on tone/context, but there's nothing inherently offensive about saying someone is... an identifier that they do in fact identify with.
I wonder if these odd reactions are coming from people who grew up in the "I don't see colour, I don't notice sexuality, etc" era?

Jokes are meant to be funny. So many people say stupid tni GS and then try to defend themselves "oh I was just joking".

"As gay as they come" could mean any number of things, many of them perfectly neutral depending on context.
He's highly active in the gay community/identifies strongly with it?
He's a six on the Kinsey scale/never experimented with girls?
He never questioned his sexuality/knew who he was from a young age?

It could also, of course, be very offensive and stereotypey, but there's nothing in the thread to tell us if that was the case.

Her reaction was OTT but your comment was ignorant and mean-spirited. Did you apologise sincerely? Everyone says daft things now and again - I wonder if you've owned it fully?

gay men are same sex attracted.
men can’t have babies.
Why is it homophobic to say that?

I think the key point in the OPs phrase was “anytime soon”. It must surely take longer for a male gay couple to have kids. Either via adoption or surrogacy. It’s not like there’s going to be an accidental pregnancy or even a planned quick pregnancy. So the woman won’t be having grandkids anytime soon. 🤷‍♀️

There is someone where I work who can be professionally offended by anything she overhears in another's conversations that may in some (rare) circumstances be considered offensive in any way. I was reported by her for asking someone I knew very well and was good friends with, if English was her first language as she spoke it so well (despite her having a strong Asian accent, which I didn't mention) - apparently I was being racist enough to one of my closest friends there for that to be highly offensive and merit a full investigation by HR and possible punishment or even being sacked. This person wasn't part of the conversation, was sitting a couple of desks away, and my friend took it as the compliment I intended.

Gay parent here. I can see what you said would’ve sounded a bit weird and awkward. It certainly wouldn’t have sounded like “joining in” in a jokey conversation about her saying stepson was as gay as they come, it wasn’t funny and is a really outdated thing to say. I know more gay people with kids than without kids these days. However what a ridiculous overreaction by these women! Reported to the safeguarding lead?! Why on earth would she do that? Sounds to me like she’s absolutely raging about the comment, thinks you’re a homophobe and told you she’d reported it out of anger. I doubt she actually has, because to most people that would be a ridiculous overreaction. I’d message her and say sorry it was a clumsy comment, you weren’t thinking, it wasn’t intended to come out like that etc. I’m sure most other people involved think the reaction’s just as ridiculous as most on this thread. If people are not speaking to you over it it’s more likely it’s because this woman’s exaggerating what you said and telling them all you’re homophobic. Unless you are underplaying what you actually said??

As gay as they come indicates that he behaves in a camp way and camp is often sneered at.
(As neurodivergent as they come .... could also be very offensive in many situations.)

Gay men have to go through a lot of hurdles to have kids. Either adopting or finding a surrogate. It's a long process so OP was correct - the woman will not be having GC any time soon, even longer if the son is not currently in a relationship.

I feel for you OP, it was a clumsy thing to say - but we’ve all had moments like that surely no one is perfect and you were trying to join in with her jokey tone - her reaction is so over the top. You clearly hit a nerve and instead of owning her feeling and siting with it she’s throwing it onto you in a totally over the top way!

Someone I know found out a couple of years ago her daughter is gay, during a conversation with a few of us, she said, well, I won't be getting any grandchildren will I?
So, whatever the ins and outs of gay people having children, I don't believe what the OP said warrants a safeguarding investigation.

? Because it is totally unnecessary. Why would she say anything about his sexuality at all? He's SO Heterosexual, my step son. Doesn't work does it. And neither does 'He's as gay as they come'. I can't believe you don't understand how that is offensive. Never mind the fact its a step mum saying it about her step son to people at a sports club. Grim. And btw - the step mum knows it which is why she pounced on OP's comment. I expect the step son has little time for his step mum.

I think the difference is it was said by the boy’s stepmother. People can get away with saying a lot of things about their family members that would be totally not ok for others to say. Eg. If it was the stepmum who said “he’s gay, so I won’t be getting any grandkids anytime soon” no one would’ve batted an eyelid

Exactly

It was an outdated and clumsy remark but if everything you’ve said is true then this woman sounds like she’s addicted to drama because she’s taken it way out of proportion. How well do you know her?

There wasn’t really a need to mention he was gay in the first place, and presumably everyone involved all laughed after she said that? She sounds like an attention seeker. You should steer clear of HER, never mind her avoiding you 🤣

Op, surely you can see it wasn’t your place to comment

YABU that was a thoughtless, crass and ill informed thing to say.

Don't underestimate the power of a genuine apology.

"Homophobia"? Eh?

How is saying she wont get grandkids anytime soon "homophobic"?

I think the original woman saying her son was 'as gay as they come' was worse

"Any Time soon" aslo means something different . So you too have changed the meaning by altering the text.

I can't imagine why your brain immediately jumped to an acquaintance's stepson having/not having children, let alone why you then said it out loud. It's an extremely weird response and not even nearly funny enough to be a joke.

That said while it's an absolute clanger, I don't know if I'd consider it worthy of ostracism if I knew the person who said it just put their foot in their mouth. I think there's a little bit more to this story than the OP's told us.

That was a hurtful, ignorant and poor taste thing to say.

If I were her I'd have simply challenged you on it in the moment so you'd see that it's not a jokey thing to joke about.

I know several lesbian or gay couples who have a child or children so firstly it's not even true these days that a gay stepson wouldn't have any children.

Also knowing straight friends with fertility challenges, any laughing and joking about the likelihood of grandchildren gives me the ick in general.

To you I'd say suck it up buttercup, do the unconscious bias training, and make an apology.

Good to see a sports club push back against homophobia, even if you meant it as a joke, it's not funny and I think you could do with reflecting on why it's escalated rather than asking Mumsnet to back you up and clear your conscience.

I would like to know if her husband knows she is publicly commenting on his son´s sexuality. Also she is a vindictive drama llama compounded by the fact she is a stepmother not the mother.

Ridiculous reaction.