Was I in the wrong or was DSis being a bridezilla?

[Weddingdrama26]

Throwaway username for this!

My DSis had an abroad wedding this summer. We were over there for a few days before, during which there was a couple of different ‘events’ including a welcome dinner.

At this dinner, one of her bridesmaids was having what I deemed to be an inappropriate conversation. In ear shot of this, were various older family members who wouldn’t have wanted to hear such (sexual) comments. I followed the bridesmaid to the bathroom and politely suggested she reined in the conversation topics. Which she did.

This was a few days before the wedding. The next morning, my sister sent me a series of shitty messages suggesting I was over reacting, there was drink involved so there would obviously be ‘adult conversations’ and she didn’t appreciate me causing potential issues before her Wedding. I explained why I pulled her up and left it at that. Not all family members present were drinking.

Post Wedding, she is now incredibly off with me and actively avoiding having to spend any time with me.

I have consulted others who agree with what I did but I would welcome some impartial feedback. Should I have left it given the circumstances, or was I right to have said something?

So very classy🤔.

Yanbu

A lot of people wouldn’t want to hear about the bride’s sexual exploits at dinner time.

I’m not old, and I don’t want to hear about my relatives’ anal and oral sex history whilst I’m having my meal thanks. Regardless of whether I’m drinking alcohol or not!

It’s different if it’s a group of friends out on the razz for a Hen do.

Were you unreasonable to ask people to tone it down? I don’t think so. It’s not an especially lovely topic of conversation for a shared meal. I wouldn’t want to hear about her piles and her STIs over dinner either. Or her misshapen labia. Or her vomiting after getting drunk. Or anything gross or private!

Equally I wouldn’t expect someone to start bashing benefit claimants or disparaging religion or a whole host of other things at dinner.

I think it’s just courtesy and if someone is being potentially offensive then they should expect to be told to shut up. I think the way you did it was fine. Next time, I’d probably just say to the whole table “honestly I don’t want to hear about your sexual history at dinner. Can you keep that conversation for later please?” And have done.

Op I am in minority here but I think friend was more offensive / unkind to bride than you were. But your sister has taken an offence, so now you have learnt a lesson than intentions don’t matter.

Next time be a neutral party and don’t say anything unless it’s about you.

I think following her to the bathroom was a bit much, better to have caught her "in passing" seeing as the TMI opportunity had gone.

But I think the friend was incredibly immature to go whining to the bride who should have been enjoying her wedding.
It does seem as if the friend thinks everything is about her.

I think it depends on how you did it to be honest. A jokey reign it in a bit in front of elders is different to a lecture.

You see I would go out of my way to hear more!

I would find it very offensive if someone policed what I was talking about. She wasn’t at work, at school, or in a restaurant, she was a bridesmaid at a wedding she probably had to spend an arm in a leg on. I would have told you to keep your beak out.

You embarrassed her and your sister is annoyed that you’re bollocking her friends.

I think you’re being unreasonable. She wasn’t your child, like someone else said, who put you in charge?

How was the atmosphere between you and the friend afterwards? I think like loads of things it depends how it's done. 'Sorry Jane I know we're all having a laugh but I'm not sure if you knew that grandad and granny can hear all your sex stories, they're quote old fashioned and I wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable so would you mind waiting til they've gone to bed to discuss those topics', is fine in mu opinion. Sometimes drunk people need to be reminded they're over sharing or how loud they are, particularly if they're not the same when they're sober - you could have actually been saving her from embarrassment (though from the detail of her storeya its unlikely). If you told her to shut up because she was ruining the evening or said anything judgey about the topics then I can see why she might be upset.

It sounds like your sister is over reacting to one comment though, unless the friend has fallen out with her over it

Where are people getting that it was the bride’s sexual history rather than the bridesmaid’s own? I can’t see that stated anywhere.

Well yes, its not the OPs place to police conversations unless someone specifically asked her to step in and say something.
Secondly, who said she was talking about the bride? Th OP hasn't specified that, that i can see, i presumed the lady was discussing her own experience.

I don’t know.

I feel like people should have a level of respect for their elders and it’s ok to remind someone if they forget this.

I agree.
But it does depend on the aged relatives in question. And how loudly the Bridesmaid was saying it.

Some people's relatives that I know would have clutched their pearls in utter horror, taken great personal offence and thought it was a reflection on your sister's character and people would never hear the end of it.
Others would have ignored it and carried on with their own conversations.

Im guessing @Weddingdrama26 As you know your older rels, you were worried that it would offend them. If that's the case, it seems your sister cares more about the feelings of her bridesmaid, that she does about you or her older relatives.

But frankly, it really is much ado about nothing. Utterly trivial in the scheme of things.
if the bridesmaid is informal enough to not care who hears what she has to say.. I'm really surprised that she and your sister have taken your request so personally and been insulted by it. Surely your sister has more important things to think about? Everybody made the effort to attend her destination wedding and celebrate with her.

I think they are both enjoying getting worked up about the drama.. neither your comments nor the bridesmaids can be undone now, so what does it matter. It's not the crime of the century to tell her it was inappropriate.

If they want to be offended let them. Shrug your shoulders and ignore the drama

So who did the bridesmaid get jiggy with at the reception ?

Jesus. Trust me 80 year olds will know what anal sex is. They had it too. The phrase ‘going down on someone’ is also nothing new. My friends would have said this back in the sixties.

I’m far from a prude, but having that conversation at a wedding event within earshot of the bride’s family was inappropriate. It was also a dinner. You wouldn’t discuss something like that loudly in a restaurant where anyone could hear.

This was an extension of her wedding, which I imagine she had spent a significant amount of money arranging abroad as part of a three-day celebration. There would also have been plenty of other opportunities across those events for your sister’s friends to sit together and have those conversations privately.
I’m assuming you followed her to the bathroom because you were trying not to embarrass her or draw further attention to what she had been saying.

I would clarify whether your sister understands the full extent of the conversation. If she does, I’d simply apologise and explain that you intervened with her and her wedding in mind, even if she feels you handled it wrongly. If she doesn’t know exactly what was said, then she needs to have a conversation with her friend before judging your actions.

I'm 73 and would have had no difficulty in following the conversation ....but I would agree that given the mixed range of people at the Dinner, I wouldn't have thought it was an appropriate topic of conversation at that particular dinner. That's the kind of conversation, best reserved for a night out with your best friends, if at all!!

Do I think that's a conversation someone should be having at a wedding reception in earshot of other guests? No.

Do I think it was your place to go and tell her off as if you're her form teacher? Also no.

It's not up to you to determine what other people talk about or who you think might be offended by what. If any of the 'older guests' were offended they could have told her themselves. And as your sister chose that person as her bridesmaid, she obviously knows what sort of person she is and what she might talk about after a couple of drinks.

To be honest, all three of you sound like a bunch of drama queens.

Your intention was to save any offence being taken by the relatives, and to save judgement from them towards your sister presumably? It was a noble effort, but not your job.

If who your sister chooses to surround herself with reflects badly on her, then that's on her, not you. I'd guess that this hits an old sibling nerve, and is less to do with what happened on the day than a previous pattern.

Apologise, for the sake of moving forward and note to let them make their own beds and lie in them in future.

I have some fairly religious family members who would very offended overhearing this and wouldn't hold back from voicing it... It depends on how you said it, but I think I would have given the bridesmaid a heads up before said family members caused a scene

Bloody hell - don't people talk about the weather anymore?

I would imagine that Great Aunt Ida would have coughed her false teeth into the soup listening to that conversation!

You did the right thing asking the BM to be sensitive of other guests.

Your sister - who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️ just leave her to it.

eta - I wouldn't apologise either - as other posters may have suggested you do.

This

And particularly if the BM had drunk a lot, she herself may care the next day about the sort of impression she made.

Different families operate differently. If this had gone down at a meal with my in-laws she may have been asked to leave - they definitely have delicate ears when it comes to coarse language.

It sounds like it was an inappropriate conversation and by doing what felt like the right thing you have been made to seem like the one in the wrong rather than the talking point being oh that bridesmaids chat was a bit much it’s about how you were rude to her, or perceived to be.

Id be inclined in this type of situation to do what I can to steer the conversation away to another topic and leave it at that

I must be leading g a quiet life but I can’t think of anyone in my social circle who would think it was ok to start bragging about anal sex and double dipping. Especially in mixed company at a big life event. You did the right thing to pull her up over it.

@Weddingdrama26 your family members were probably intrigued in the younger generation and their antics. Likely, apart from the anal, they’ve seen worse in the dramas and films they watch. Unless they’re known to be prudish and stuck-up, a cut-above the rest etc… I simply would have ear-wigged and thought ‘what a slag 😂 ’ but would have found it all very entertaining.

It wasn’t your place to say anything to your DSis friends.

I don’t think it was any of your business.
“older people” know about sex and it’s not for you to police conversations. I’d be pissed off with you too.