Husband issues

[ygrittesnow5]

This might be a long one.

Dh and I have been together 10 years, married 6 and have one child together plus my older dc from previous marriage. Life is full on, hectic and we probably don’t make as much time for each other as we should amidst the daily grind.

Dh is the breadwinner. He works hard and pays for most of our household costs, holidays, extras. I work part time and do the lions share of childcare, cleaning, life admin - we are a team and it’s hard work but we have our system and it works for us.

But I’m worried about our relationship. We don’t make time for each other. There is often resentment about who does the most and who is the most tired etc etc etc. I have some trust issues with Dh - he is the type of man who will keep things from me for an easy life. Usually trivial things but I have long since felt like he doesn’t view me as an equal - more like someone who he can give the time and attention and communication he sees fit to. But if he cant be arsed then it’s just tough.

He can be grumpy and opts out of family life (days out, school stuff etc). Our sex life isn’t brilliant and some of this is down to his secretive behaviour there as well. He has a particular sexual interest that I only found out about by pure chance. He never would have told me (it isn’t anything illegal or dangerous, just silly in my opinion). I don’t have any interest in it but have always remained non judgemental. I’ve found out recently he is subscribed to only fans where he is watching this sort of content. And it’s really upset me. I don’t mind porn, I don’t even mind that he is spending money subscribing. But it just feels so off. I’ve seen no evidence of him communicating or messaging anyone directly on there and in his mind I’m sure he’s just consuming the kind of content that interests him but this feels like a real wedge between us.

I know OF is an immediate LTB for some women but I don’t feel that strongly about the actual watching of it. I know he has a kink. I know I’m not interested so it’s only fair to assume he’ll view it separately as he can’t exactly turn off his feelings just because of me. But I still feel neglected and second fiddle. He is too tired for me but can watch this stuff?

I know there is love still between us. We have a lovely home and family. But we both need to communicate and make more effort with one another. I need to discuss this with him in a non accusational way but I want a frank conversation not him glossing over things through embarrassment or wanting an easy life. Any ideas?

Would be open to some form of marriage counselling? A lot of people look at as a tool you fix a broken marriage but really it can simply help couples communicate in a non accusatory environment.

“He is the type of man who will keep things from me for an easy life”. That’s not a partnership then. I recognise the day to day struggles of finding quality time/resentment over task load - I think everyone goes through versions of this. But the keeping secrets is the bit that would kill all love for me.

Hands up who is trying to work out his "silly" kink.

I bet it's feet.

Hands up or feet up? ;)

No it’s not.

You say he doesnt see you as an equal, he keeps things from you, he gets his sexual gratification from porn and women on Only Fans, he is bad tempered and he opts out of family life. This is not the description of a marriage or partnership in any sense of the word. You don't seem to share anything OP and marriage is surely about sharing. He just does his own thing.

Like men who use porn or pay for sexual services like Only Fans he sees women as objects to be used and bought for his pleasure and gratification. Not surprising he doesn't see you as an equal because that is his general view of women.

I'm struggling to think what you get out of this relationship OP because it sounds soul destroying.

How would you communicate around the life admin things? Is it you have regular planned conversations running over things like budgets and plans coming up so you are both in the same head space? Or is it you rise it with the other person when it comes up? Have you sat down and worked out what your causes of resentment are? Have you sat and tried to work out what his sources of resentment may be?

If you are just both staying in your lane you each may not appreciate fully what the other is doing, which is a easy way to build resentment. Also, each of you who runs with the decisions may not be properly considering the others perspective and it may be to late by the time the other person knows.

How often do you discuss things in a way that it would cause him to tell you things that are bothering him? If he doesn’t naturally volunteer things normally, in what environment has he done that?

These are things that a marriage councillor may ask regardless, but perhaps think about them yourself before taking any other action.

How did you react to the “silly” kink? Was it a way that would encourage him to open up more or to shut down? Even if you have no interest, think about how you responded and if you communicated something you didn’t intend.

He likes dressing at a cat and purring while having his tummy rubbed?

What’s the kink?

i suspect it will influence the answers you get, and that’s why you’re keeping it quiet

“I'm struggling to think what you get out of this relationship OP because it sounds soul destroying.”

If someone brings you a problem they tend to tell you all the things that are broken not all the things that are working. Presumably OP has reasons to see this as a positive marriage, but she is asking for help with what isn’t good for her.

I know people here like to jump to telling people there is no point, but (most of the time) it doesn’t help them with what they are asking about.

I'm sure she isn't George Galloway's wife...

Fuck this. He doesn’t have the right to have his every sexual whim satisfied. He’s chosen to marry you, you can’t have your cake and eat it. I’d be gone

It doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me, sorry 😐 opting out of family life, getting his sexual kicks from OnlyFans, keeping things from you for the sake of an easy life...you're going down the road of drifting so far apart that the only resolution would be separating for good.

I think couples counselling would be a good idea - so you can both be open and honest in a supported environment and work towards improving your connection and communication.

He's spending money, therefore attaching value to watching women on the internet perform his kink for him, and you don't feel he attaches the same value to you.

That's going to be difficult and cause resentment, if you feel he dips out of a family day out to sit at home to watch Busty Bethany rubbing trifle all over herself, or whatever it is.

Counselling, would he?

Lots of men get a thrill out of that sort of thing , even more if it's their little secret. I guess you need to decide if it's something you can live with or if it's going to affect your relationship

The kink for those asking is mess. Food stuff. Gunge. That kind of thing. Not even that unusual but getting covered in custard isn’t personally my idea of sexy. For him it is. He is a professional man and I think this sort of silly, humiliation is some sort of outlet for him. Fuck knows tbh.

I wasn’t judgemental when I found out, I was more concerned he hasn’t felt able to tell me but he said he was embarrassed and I accepted that everyone is allowed some privacy even in a marriage.

I know I’ve painted a bleak picture here but there are positive sides to our relationship hence why I want to work on it.

Well at least we know he is not neurodivergent.

Well as far as the kink goes , no not at all unusual.
Loads like that , custard , yogurt, ice cream whatever 🤷🏻‍♀️ .

You guys seem to be becoming distant is what the problem is here .
You need to reconnect & make time for one another .
What about date nights, time together alone ?

This feels mad. I spend money on mars bars, doesn't mean I like them more than my partner.

And when OP says "He is too tired for me but can watch this stuff?" - I don't get it. Have people who write things like this never masturbated? Masturbating is less work than sex.

I'm not saying that it's fine to pay for Only Fans, but "he spends money" or "he can't really be tired" both seem like mad objections.

I think what is in the back of my mind is that he prefers this. We do have sex, not as frequently as I’d like but when we do it’s good. But very vanilla, very samey and due to his secretive behaviour and general attitude I can’t help but feel like his true sexual desires are with this kink.

In my opinion, OF is a huge NO. I don't care if there are people out there who are super liberal about these types of things-it's disgusting in my opinion. It opens for so much other nasty content and fetishes that ultimately don't belong in the sanctity of marriage. If he's watching OF girls cover themselves in whatever the heck, he's obviously getting off on it, which I personally see as passive cheating. What if he met a woman irl who was into that? Do you believe he'd keep it in his pants?

That's really sad if it's true. And I'm sorry.

Secretiveness can be really frustrating. And I do think the person who has done something wrong is the person who is hiding the truth. But you can only control your own actions, and I think it's worth asking - do you think you're someone who is easy to tell the truth to*? I think a lot of men have pretty deep shame about their sexuality. As soon as their sexuality comes online they start getting embarassing public boners, and they learn to associate sex and shame. It's not helped by the fact that they never seem to talk to each other about sex. I know that on topics where I feel shame, I need a lot of psychological safety to be able to open up.

• To be clear, we all have a responsibility to be honest. I'm not saying that if you're hard to tell the truth to - this is somehow your fault. I'm just saying that to get the honesty you want, maybe the quickest path to it, is thinking about whether you're easy to tell the truth to. I'm trying to separate what's a good tactic from what is a moral responsibility.

Well......if he has a sexual desire which can be fulfilled online because his wife won't fulfill it.....is that cheating? I don't think it is

If he met someone else and had custard sex, then yes, that's cheating

Imo of course

@ygrittesnow5 you seem very passive in all this. Put the custard sex to one side......you're not happy with the way your husband perceives you. You're not happy about a lot of things and yet.....you seem so passive about it all

What about couples counselling or just you having counselling?

What about insisting on regular date nights?

There are so many things which could make your marriage better and yet......

What do you think @ygrittesnow5

I don’t view OF any differently to porn. The caveat being that you can directly interact with creators which would absolutely be a boundary for me but I’ve seen no evidence of that. I know for some people it’s a deal breaker but that’s just my view.

However you raise a good point about whether or not he’d act on it in real life. I don’t know if it’s a fantasy or something he’d actually want to do. I don’t know this because he’s secretive and doesn’t communicate properly.

I have tried in the past to speak to him with a view to opening up communication and getting closer. He might say the right things in that moment but nothing changes long term.

Date nights are tricky as we have no childcare or support but I agree we could make more effort in other ways, we are 100% in a rut of kids, work, chores and nothing else. It’s sad.

And fwiw I did once say I’d be willing to try it (even though it doesn’t interest me and i had no idea
how to do it logistically with all the faff and mess) but he has never initiated it which leads me to think he wants to keep fantasy and reality separate. He’s weirdly coy about it either due to embarrassment or just not wanting to engage.