Friend has cancelled on me last minute

[hungryowl]

Due to go away this weekend from Friday to Monday. Friend has been having rocky patch with husband. She has messaged me today saying she can no longer come as she needs to focus on her family and not have a boozy weekend away. I paid for the whole thing and she was going to cover activities. She has just done me a bank transfer for the full amount so I’m not out of pocket.

We have had many outings before but in the message she specified that at 42 she no longer really fancies boozy weekends and she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months and just doesn’t want to go anymore! I think she’s peri menopausal but it should be no excuse cancelling last minute. I wanted a break away from my family as well. I have told her she needs to prepare more for her kids going to uni this month and preparing for empty nest feelings. I don’t like her husband and have been questioning her relationship with him to her whilst they have been arguing and advising heavily to leave him because as she’s getting older she’s now going to pottery and walking groups and spending more and more time with him and I feel like we are losing our connection. I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring. Her husband has issues with me because I had an affair but was fine with me before now he seems to think I am a scary influence.

AIBU to just cut her off now?

She's having a hard time and priorising her family. She's paid what she owed. Find someone else to go with. You sound like a shitty controlling friend.

Maybe you should prioritise yours? You sound unhappy.

She isn't bailing to prioritise a man, you told us in the first post she told us

"she no longer really fancies boozy weekends and she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months and just doesn’t want to go anymore!" These are 3 valid reasons to not want to go, but the main one that is screaming out that you seem unable to accept is that she does not want to drink anymore and that is why she does not want a boozy weekend, how hard is it to understand that?

You don’t sound very nice.

Are you a big drinker?

Why do you need to go off and speak to men when you’re out socialising with your pal? She’s got no interest speaking to some random guys so it’s rude of you to be chatting to them when on a night out with her. You sound like a teenager rather than a woman in her 40s.

She is. She now wants to focus on her family. She was like a sister to me so I am family as well and I have been let down

Whether you think he's good enough for her is meaningless. It's her marriage! It's up to her to decide if she wants to try to keep her husband. It has nothing to do with you.

Hasn't it occurred to you she's simply lost the taste for drinking alcohol and can enjoy herself without it? Alternatively she may have found she was too dependent on alcohol for various reasons and is exercising self-control in not giving in to the urge to drink? Either way she is to be commended, not criticised. Incidentally once I was past the menopause I found I wanted to drink less and less and am now basically a non-drinker and perfectly relaxed about it.

She could have mentioned this before we were due to go! She’s told me she doesn’t feel I’ve reached out- well I’ve been busy with my own stuff too

Why did you book drinking based activities when she explicitly told you that she wanted a chill weekend and you know she’s been cutting down on drinking?

You didn’t get the hints and basically left her with no choice but to pull out.

A drinking weekend sounds boring to me, but everyone has different interests and it sounds like you and your friends’ interests no longer align but you’re unwilling to compromise.

I don’t even know you and I agree with her husband you haven’t grown up. You sound so immature

Sounds like you have grown apart

ypu still want to party and she’s no longer interested in boozy weekends away

cant you take someone else who is more on your wavelength?

Nah, this ain’t real, nobody can be this much of a twat.

I’m with you - this can’t be real, surely!

Maybe she's outgrown you. You sound like you think your 17 both in the friend attitude and the fact the weekend was based all around clubbing and drinking!
It's not fair she bailed on you but come on. You said your life long friends, how about being supportive? All you've done is slag her off!

What's the problem? She's paid in full - nothing to stop you still going OP!

Invite another friend who likes a Boozey Weekend!

Sounds like she's had enough of drinking and wants sobriety. You aren't on the same page so you are no longer compatible really. You're very derisive of her decision and choices so you're not much of a friend to lose are you.

Presumably this is a reverse?

I quoted, verbatim, what you said she told you. Why are you so deaf to hear it?
I am not surprised that a woman that does not want to drink does not want to go on a break on a boozy weekend to clubs and bars. That is enough in itself.
Let alone going on a break with someone that, she says, has not 'made the effort'. And then when you do see her you lay into her husband.

Why do you think she would want to spend time on you? Please be honest and from her perspective answer that.

And your audacity at aligning yourself as 'family' against her actual husband. You are not her actual sister and are not family. Just let this poor woman be free!

🎣

Oh OP, can you hear yourself.

Maybe you should be thinking she is letting you down because she needs to work on her marriage. And selfishly you think you should be a priority. You are not coming across well at all on this thread, so yes, definitely end the friendship for her sake, and you can find other friends to go out and get pissed with.

Personally, i find people who are drunk so boring. Seeing a drunk person through sober eyes, you just think what a dickhead they are.

So, bugger off and leave her alone.

😂😂😂 Of course she's settled into being a complete adult by the age of 40. Most people manage that by the age of 30, with the responsibilities of work and family life. It sounds like her husband has got your measure and realised you are a poor influence on her and from your posts I can quite see why. I think you have to accept that your old friendship is dead and either you learn to be friends with the person she has become or find new ones.

Maybe she fancies a weekend with her husband, a film, takeaway and some drinks.

I don't think it's the drink tbh. She probably dreaded a weekend with you ignoring her to chat up men behind your partner's back.

I am guessing she was hoping to spend the weekend reconnecting with you as you say you've both been too busy to check in with each other for quite some time. She dropped lots of hints that she doesn't want an alcohol themed weekend - cutting down on the drinking, asking for support in cutting down the drinking... and then you bombarded her with club bookings and restaurant bookings. Am guessing a bottomless brunch too. Then she started thinking about the last few times you went out - where she had to stand there trying not to drink and watching you flirting with random men, then actually drop you off in a taxi as you were incapable of doing that yourself, then go home to a marriage that's struggling and kids who have whatever going on. I am guessing she has been dreading this since it was booked and finally realised that life is too short to waste a weekend doing something you don't want to do and cancelled - with a week's notice and fully paying up for everything, including things she didn't even want to do.

You actually probably don't have a decision to make here as she's dropping you, but yes - you should leave her alone. She's not showing any signs of being controlled by anyone except for you. And as you think she's boring anyway it won't be much loss!