Friend has cancelled on me last minute

[hungryowl]

Due to go away this weekend from Friday to Monday. Friend has been having rocky patch with husband. She has messaged me today saying she can no longer come as she needs to focus on her family and not have a boozy weekend away. I paid for the whole thing and she was going to cover activities. She has just done me a bank transfer for the full amount so I’m not out of pocket.

We have had many outings before but in the message she specified that at 42 she no longer really fancies boozy weekends and she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months and just doesn’t want to go anymore! I think she’s peri menopausal but it should be no excuse cancelling last minute. I wanted a break away from my family as well. I have told her she needs to prepare more for her kids going to uni this month and preparing for empty nest feelings. I don’t like her husband and have been questioning her relationship with him to her whilst they have been arguing and advising heavily to leave him because as she’s getting older she’s now going to pottery and walking groups and spending more and more time with him and I feel like we are losing our connection. I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring. Her husband has issues with me because I had an affair but was fine with me before now he seems to think I am a scary influence.

AIBU to just cut her off now?

Sounds like she's discovered grown-up-ness and wants to concentrate more on her husband and their life together. Going out drinking and getting bladdered has lost its attraction for her.
Plus she probably doesn't want to listen to you bad mouthing her husband.
You're not out of pocket ..you got your money back. You'll just have to accept that your friend has left you behind

I said YANBU because you should do her a favour and cut her off. You are no good to her.

This can't be real?!

If it is, I don't think you need to actively cut her off, just don't reach out and she almost certainly won't either. Job done.

How true is it?

I voted YANBU to cut her off, because I think it will do you both a favour.

You arent compatible. She doesnt want to leave her hubby, she doesnt want to go out drinking, shes paid you back.

You think shes boring.

So either go on your or take someone else or just keep the cash. Block her and both of you can have more compatible friends

Hang on, she's told you she's given up drinking and you've booked into clubs and bars? That doesn't sound very friendly.
Perhaps her husband is controlling, but it's quite possible that she has a drink problem which he is helping her overcome.

I thought it's when the OP is pretending to be the other person. But that would mean this was written by the normal friend who likes spas, walking, pottery etc, posing as the immature, irresponsible one - and that doesn't make sense to me! So I hope someone else explains.

@hungryowl read the room

She paid you the full amount back. She has family problems.

It might be disappointing for you but you have to let this go. Reading between the lines she seems to be hinting that you have not been there when she needed recently.

To be fair, agia napa has a reputation for being a wild party place but that's mainly one road that opens at night.
There are lovely calm beaches and walks. The coastal promenade is lovely. My elderly mother lived there until recently so it is entirely possible to have a 'boring' holiday that doesn't involved getting shitfaced and shagging random men behind the nightclub bins.

Go by yourself Op, you’ll meet many like minded people in the places you’ve booked.
You get to have a nice holiday and your friend has the time she needs to do what she wants ,

Ah - but do you really know what your elderly mother got up to? (Apologies! It was a joke and I couldn't resist.)

Haha...well mostly getting barred from bars in her slightly younger days. Shame she's not there anymore. I could have hooked her up with the OP for a craaaazzzzy weekend 😅

I'm the boring one that likes coastal walks and early nights

I'm that boring too!

I think her husband knows exactly what kind of woman and friend you are. She's moved on, grown up and decided she prefers to spend her time being an adult instead of a getting drunk and vomiting in taxis. Can't say I blame her.

You think she should spend more time with you instead of her husband? You tell her she needs to be preparing for an empty nest? You feel she should prioritse time with you? You come across as incredibly selfish Op, sorry .

Do you need to be drinking alcohol to be having a good time? Sounds to me like she is growing up and growing out of your friendship. She is making new friends to fit her new lifestyle

I'm 33 and the idea of going to clubs full of 18 year olds getting pissed all weekend would make me want to die 🙃😂 How old are you OP? 👀

Maybe she doesn't wanna get drunk and make a fool of herself. maybe wine now gives her explosive diarrhea.. Maybe it's Maybelline..

Who cares her reasons, she doesn't want to 🤦 and you can't decide she does

Don't worry about "cutting her off" She's dropping you like a sack of spuds 🙃😅 and id imagine if you did "go round there" she'll watch you stand on the doorstep through the doorbell cam and her and her DH will have a jolly good laugh about it

ETA : what's a reverse?

Maybe it is time to grow up.. I’m 41 and I couldn’t think of anything worse than pretending I’m 20 whilst cleaning up my friend’s vomit in Aiya Napa (and I loved the whole clubbing scene back in the day!) Totally understand why she suggested a spa weekend instead. You both have different lifestyles and have to accept she no longer enjoys that kind of holiday.

If my friend got drunk and vomited in the street, I'd never go on a boozy night out/boozy holiday with them again

I don't blame your friend for cancelling one bit...sounds like you both have a terrible relationship with alcohol, she's trying hard to change that and you are trying to drag her down.

Not everyone wants to keep getting hammered and acting like a teen when they are in their 40’s. Most grow out of it. I have a couple of friends who regularly still get drunk every weekend and think i’m boring but life changes, and for me a weekend in Ayia Napa would not be on my priority list. If you valued the friendship, you’d have compromised. It was clear friend didn’t really want to go.

I think it's you that's an insufferable bore. Look in your Spice Girls or Sugababes mirror..

Maybe alcohol was a bigger problem for her than you were aware of? You are assuming that he is controlling her…. But maybe she has decided she does not want to drink anymore. I honestly think it’s always best to meet people where they are. Why can’t you hang out someplace where there is no alcohol? My husband and I drink quite frequently as it happens. My mother is recovering alcoholic with more than 40 years of sobriety. I still don’t drink when I’m with her. I still don’t go places where there is alcohol when I am with her.

It sounds like she wants her relationship and you’re not very supportive of that.

Mate, don't worry about cutting her out...... she's already made the decision to drop you.

Have you been round to have it out with her yet?