Friend has cancelled on me last minute

[hungryowl]

Due to go away this weekend from Friday to Monday. Friend has been having rocky patch with husband. She has messaged me today saying she can no longer come as she needs to focus on her family and not have a boozy weekend away. I paid for the whole thing and she was going to cover activities. She has just done me a bank transfer for the full amount so I’m not out of pocket.

We have had many outings before but in the message she specified that at 42 she no longer really fancies boozy weekends and she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months and just doesn’t want to go anymore! I think she’s peri menopausal but it should be no excuse cancelling last minute. I wanted a break away from my family as well. I have told her she needs to prepare more for her kids going to uni this month and preparing for empty nest feelings. I don’t like her husband and have been questioning her relationship with him to her whilst they have been arguing and advising heavily to leave him because as she’s getting older she’s now going to pottery and walking groups and spending more and more time with him and I feel like we are losing our connection. I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring. Her husband has issues with me because I had an affair but was fine with me before now he seems to think I am a scary influence.

AIBU to just cut her off now?

You knew she's trying to stop drinking, a d you booked a weekend of clubs and bars?????

I don't understand how this is controlling of him?

If she's asked for help to stop drinking presumably that means stop drinking entirely? Otherwise she'd have asked for help to cut down.

Not everyone is capable of moderating their alcohol intake and some find it best to give it up completely.

Totally reasonable of your friend to do this. Totally reasonable of her husband not wanting her to go. Simple.

Im 10 years younger than you. And this is my idea of hell.

You’re in your 40’s? You sound like you need to grow the fuck up.

Sulking because your “friend” has cancelled on going to night clubs with you🤣🤣🤣

Look tbh this is a you problem.
You know that she doesn't want to drink yet you insist on planning a boozy weekend away, so you are trying to sabotage her sobriety.
You get so drunk that she has to go out of her way to drop you home in a taxi
You constantly give her unsolicited advice to leave her husband because hes got your number.
You dont respect her or treat her as an actual sentient human with her own thoughts and wants.
Just because you enjoy acting like a 20 something but most people your age don't doesn't mean that we are boring, peri menopausal or any of your other nasty comments. It just means we've grown up whilst you haven't.
Basically you're a terrible friend and really should look into why you behave the way you do and probably some therapy.

This has to be a reverse. Nobody could be this stupid.

I would be disappointed at being let down just a few days before going.

however, I think someone working on their marriage and priorities that is completely reasonable and I would also prioritise my marriage in such a situation. Not because my husband is in any way controlling but because I love him and would do anything I needed to in order to make it work.

you sound like you are sociable - go alone and make friends out there?

I don't think she is bailing to prioritise a man, she's bailing to prioritise herself and to keep her commitment to herself to stop drinking.

It is possible that he has encouraged her to bail on the weekend too, but if he has done then presumably that is because she has asked him to help her stop, so he is (quite sensibly) suggesting she does not join her friend on a boozy weekend.

She asked her husband to help her stop drinking. That means STOP drinking, not get bladdered when you want her to.
You are a terrible friend for trying to sabotage her sobriety.

Don’t knock her ‘boring’ hobbies. Do you have any hobbies that don’t involved getting smashed? Maybe you need to look at your relationship with alcohol.

Regarding cutting her off… honestly I think she got there first. I don’t think you’ll be hearing from her again.

I stopped drinking over two years ago. Not because I was a stereotypical alcoholic (not that there really is one) but because I no longer wanted the impact that it was having on me. I found it hard to socialise to begin with. I was lucky enough to have wonderful friends who were really encouraging, and certainly neither made an issue of it or questioned my decision. It was a good decision for me, and I suspect it is for your friend as wel. I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself and your drinking habits.

I only put YANBU because I think you should cut her off because you two are clearly mismatched and want different things. Kind of sounds like she already has.
I do think she’s being a bit unreasonable saying “you haven’t reached out” - if you had a big weekend away planned most people would delay the catch up until then, knowing you have all that time together.

You honestly sound like the controlling one. It sounds like her husband has her best intentions at heart, where as you want to up end her marriage, get her back on the booze to make yourself feel better? You need a word with yourself, also her husband is right. You do need to grow up

🤣🤣🤣 funny thread

She asked him for help to stop drinking. But now she's stuck to it you are annoyed and it's his fault?
You sound incredibly selfish.
Not only are you jealous of her relationship with her husband but are also resentful she's spending time with the wives of their couple friends. You sound really possessive and intense. I'm not surprised she doesn't want to spend a weekend with you alone. You'd be more watered down in a group, perhaps that's why she's trying to make new friends.

You've not even told us anything bad that her husband has done, just that he's actually supporting her in becoming sober but you're cross as it's spoiling your boozy fun.

I wish the OP would live stream to mumsnet 😂

Funny how you think everyone who doesn't want to get drunk and behave like an immature 20 something has a husband that you've labelled as "controlling". That you're friend going to therapy and putting reasonable boundaries in place is her being selfish 🙄
You seem to be practising darvo here

Doesn't matter what you think. There are two people in this marriage and neither of them are you.

Reverse?

I think my husband would be telling me to avoid OP as well - and I’m not even married!

No just unhinged.

1. The man in question is her husband and she is prioritising working on her marriage.
2. She did not ''bail on you last minute'' - she gave you a nearly a week's notice on what appears to be a long weekend drinking spree and paid you back in full.

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you don’t have any friends who can come with you on a free boozy weekend.