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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend has cancelled on me last minute

588 replies

hungryowl · Yesterday 12:21

Due to go away this weekend from Friday to Monday. Friend has been having rocky patch with husband. She has messaged me today saying she can no longer come as she needs to focus on her family and not have a boozy weekend away. I paid for the whole thing and she was going to cover activities. She has just done me a bank transfer for the full amount so I’m not out of pocket.

We have had many outings before but in the message she specified that at 42 she no longer really fancies boozy weekends and she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months and just doesn’t want to go anymore! I think she’s peri menopausal but it should be no excuse cancelling last minute. I wanted a break away from my family as well. I have told her she needs to prepare more for her kids going to uni this month and preparing for empty nest feelings. I don’t like her husband and have been questioning her relationship with him to her whilst they have been arguing and advising heavily to leave him because as she’s getting older she’s now going to pottery and walking groups and spending more and more time with him and I feel like we are losing our connection. I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring. Her husband has issues with me because I had an affair but was fine with me before now he seems to think I am a scary influence.

AIBU to just cut her off now?

OP posts:
Hobnobswantshernameback · Yesterday 15:56

Too many eggs
too many eggs

murasaki · Yesterday 15:56

Said men will also think you're old enough to be their mum.

hungryowl · Yesterday 15:56

ThreadGuardDog · Yesterday 15:55

And you think that’s unreasonable of him ? TBH OP the more you’re posting the more you’re coming across as a bad influence, trying your best to derail your friends’ sobriety.

Edited

My husband would never be allowed to tell me that’s unreasonable so don’t know why hers is piping up tbh. She should be her own woman

OP posts:
LilacReader · Yesterday 15:56

hungryowl · Yesterday 15:56

My husband would never be allowed to tell me that’s unreasonable so don’t know why hers is piping up tbh. She should be her own woman

Yes, and do what you tell her to do!

ScotchBonnet74 · Yesterday 15:57

I don't actually know anyone in their mid 40's, even ones without partners, who plan weekends away with the sole purpose of drinking alcohol and getting hammered in nightclubs. Or maybe I live a sheltered life.

murasaki · Yesterday 15:57

She is being her own woman.

BeardySchnauzer · Yesterday 15:58

hungryowl · Yesterday 15:56

My husband would never be allowed to tell me that’s unreasonable so don’t know why hers is piping up tbh. She should be her own woman

She is. But you dominate her and don’t listen so she’s using her husband. Sounds like she’s scared of you tbh

SereneGoose · Yesterday 15:59

hungryowl · Yesterday 15:48

Aiya Nappa.

Ok...so actually a proper holiday..Google says there's a lovely Venetian monastery...tbh I think you could just go and have a solo break..maybe think about your life choices. My BFF has recently stopped drinking. I do miss our ranting wine fuelled fun but it's not fun if one of us doesn't want to and I love her more than the booze. Have some respect for your friend's choices.

shhblackbag · Yesterday 15:59

hungryowl · Yesterday 15:53

She’s now telling me her husband doesn’t want her out and around younger men who are taking drugs and drinking 🙄🙄 apparently it’s a relationship boundary they’ve just discussed over the weekend

That's a pretty reasonable boundary tbf.

LilyBunch25 · Yesterday 16:00

Sitting here thinking I'm glad you're not my friend.

NiftyKoala · Yesterday 16:00

What a odd post. .

LilyBunch25 · Yesterday 16:01

hungryowl · Yesterday 12:42

I was going to go to her house later and find out what’s going on in person to be honest

Why?

cloudbabies · Yesterday 16:02

hungryowl · Yesterday 15:48

Aiya Nappa.

You can’t even spell it lol
Can’t believe this is still going

bluemoon111 · Yesterday 16:03

You are being very unreasonable.

For starters, I am SO sick of the recent trend of tossing the term "peri menopause" into everything.

Your friend was being honest and upfront and telling you clearly where her priorities are. Just because you don't like her husband doesn't mean she shouldn't want to work on her marriage.

If she is actively trying not to drink, I am not sure why you would think she would want to have a weekend of clubs and drinking? She shouldn't have agreed to go, but I am guessing she was trying to be your friend and then realized that it was asking too much from her.

I think you should both move on from this friendship.

DaftHapeth · Yesterday 16:03

hungryowl · Yesterday 15:56

My husband would never be allowed to tell me that’s unreasonable so don’t know why hers is piping up tbh. She should be her own woman

Why can’t you take your husband?

murasaki · Yesterday 16:04

DaftHapeth · Yesterday 16:03

Why can’t you take your husband?

He might object to her behaviour....

hungryowl · Yesterday 16:04

DaftHapeth · Yesterday 16:03

Why can’t you take your husband?

He’s looking after my kids and I want to let my hair down??

OP posts:
Bestfootforward11 · Yesterday 16:06

It’s really hard to get a sense of what’s what here. You say the husband is controlling but your main focus is not her wellbeing but that you’ve been let down on a trip. I get that you are disappointed but I don’t get the way you are taking about her. ‘Boring’ is not how to describe someone who doesn’t want a drink, it makes it sound like you are 15 years old and just discovered alcohol. Absolutely drink and enjoy yourself in any way you like, but you don’t need to be so dismissive of her choices. Is she not allowed to do something different to you/change her mind? And if it is her husband who is controlling her, isn’t that a worry? Surely that’s the thing to focus on.

Derbee · Yesterday 16:07

She’s done what a lot of people would advise her to do - cut off a toxic and unhealthy person who is not really a friend. She’s paid you so you’re not out of pocket. She sounds nice, and will probably be better off away from you.

As you have a similar issue with multiple people, might be a good time to reflect on your drinking habits, and why you feel the need to behave like an out of control teenager?

eleventybillionpillsisntenough · Yesterday 16:07

There’s no way ANYONE could be this obtuse. Unless you are my sister. Which you are not.
I’ve reported as troll.

Makeway · Yesterday 16:07

Ok so this is obviously a wind up. How fucking bored do you have to be to write such a pile of shit.

LilyBunch25 · Yesterday 16:08

From what I've read, this friend does not want to go and tbh it's pretty clear why. Using her husband as part of the reason is probably a last ditch attempt to get you to get the message. Why you want to blame that on any stage of the menopause is pretty ridiculous.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · Yesterday 16:10

hungryowl · Yesterday 15:55

Yeah I booked us tickets to closing parties and a pool day for her at a beach club

Didnt you say in an earlier post that she was the one paying for activities?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · Yesterday 16:10

OP, has it occurred to you that your friend isn't telling you the truth and is using her 'husband's' interventions to get out of doing something with you that she really, REALLY doesn't want to do? Maybe she finds it easier to say 'my husband doesn't want me to go' than to say 'actually, it sounds like my idea of hell, you haven't taken my wants into consideration at all and I can't think of anything worse.'?

Fern26 · Yesterday 16:11

kids are back at school and the boredom has kicked in for some I see!

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