AIBU to stop attending family gatherings after MIL's favouritism?

[Footballcoachmum]

Am I being unreasonable here?
We went to my MIL's BBQ on Saturday and most of the family were there. I left feeling really upset and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting.
Throughout the whole day, my MIL barely acknowledged me, my husband (her own son) or our youngest daughter. At one point, her niece was talking about her daughter who plays football, and my MIL said, "I'll have to come and watch her play one day." My husband then pointed out that our daughter plays football too, but MIL completely ignored the comment and carried on as if nothing had been said.
Later, MIL was chatting away to her niece's older son about school, joking that he hadn't had detention yet. My eldest daughter is in the same year at the same school, so I mentioned how well she's doing. Again, no interest, no follow-up questions, just completely dismissed.
To make matters worse, my husband's stepdad then started questioning our parenting and commented that we let our youngest get away with too much. For context, our youngest has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She's loud, energetic and can be hard work at times, but we absolutely do not let her do whatever she wants. In fact, parenting her has been one of the biggest challenges we've faced and has taken a huge toll on my mental health. Comments like that really sting because they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and are judging a situation they know very little about.
My husband isn't particularly bothered because they rarely make an effort with us anyway, but I find it genuinely upsetting. I got to the point where I just wanted to leave and go home and cry.
Then, to top it all off, my MIL once again started telling a story about my husband and his ex. The event happened over 20 years ago, but I've heard this same story at virtually every family gathering during the 15 years I've been with him. My husband agrees it's disrespectful, but he's very laid back and doesn't want any drama.
What hurts most is that my eldest daughter is now starting to notice the difference in how we're treated compared with other family members.
Am I being unreasonable for saying that I no longer want to attend family gatherings, and that I don't particularly want my daughters attending either, especially when they're starting to pick up on the favouritism and lack of interest themselves?

When my ils completely favoured sil's dc i backed away and took our dc with me. Dh refused to get involved !
Of our 3 dc only 1 sees them and none see exh !
Your dc won't miss out staying away.

You can not attend for whatever reason you want.
Has it always been like this or is it a new change in her behaviour to you all!
The atmosphere doesn’t sound pleasant and you DH probably needs to speak with his mother to see if there has been some misunderstanding or perceived offence that is leading to all this.

To add, I don’t think it is favoritism per se. It seems she doesn’t like your family for some reason.

They will reap what they sow.

My sil children are the favourites and then they wonder why ours don’t really bother with them.

Times running out for them to make amends as our oldest is nearly an adult now and youngest off to secondary soon.

I think you’re being petty, other than about the criticism of your parenting of your child with ADHD, which is inexcusable, but wasn’t by your MIL — I don’t think two attempts to shoehorn your children into a conversation about someone else entirely indicate anything.

Stop making an effort and stop visiting.

It has always been like this, His mothers side of the family are horrible. when his nan was alive we used to go visit and they would all be there, it was the kind of place you'd walk in too and not one person would say hello. MIL always seems more interested in other peoples kids than her own grandchildren. I said to my hubby I have never done anything wrong, always doted on my hubby, treated him with respect been loyal yet my SIL who cheated on her other son gets treated far better than me. I just don't know what it is but hubby says his mother is the last person to comment on parenting with how he was treated as a child!

This has been constant since my 13 year old was born. she always bothers with other children but comes to mine she just shuts down & is disinterested. this bbq was the final straw for me as I'm tired of feeling like my kids will never be good enough

These are trash humans. You and your kids deserve better. Walk away and don’t give it a second thought.

You are not being unreasonable. Obviously socialising with your PILs is demoralising for you and your children, with their clear favouritism for the children of less close family members and your FIL's criticism of your younger daughter who has been diagnosed with ADHD was horrible. Socialising with them is the opposite of enjoyable so I would give it a miss in future if I were you.

Your DH, while recognising what his parents are doing, isn't ready to challenge them or cut them off. If he still wants to visit and socialise with his parents, don't try and stop him but don't make your children go as they shouldn't have to put up with either being ignored or criticised. They are really shitty grandparents to your children and I'm sorry they aren't nicer people.

Sounds exactly like my in laws. Best thing I did was cut all contact. Not interested. Life is too short to be around horrible people. Especially people who don’t even acknowledge your own children!!!

Sounds like the target is your DH and, by association, you and your DC.
They are not going to change esp if his comment about his childhood is anything to go by.
Cut ties. Get them out of your head, no more second guessing their actions and words, no more trying to show yourself and your DC in a good light only to be ignored.

I would just decline all invitations from them and gradually stop seeing them. You'll never change them. They don't care about your feelings and even less about your kids' feelings, so you won't be missing out on anything positive.

My DB1 and his son GC1 have long been firm favourites, so I get how it rankles when your positive comments about your own dc are countered with how much better the favoured GC is, or even just ignoring your comment and replying to mention favoured GC. But your relatives are even worse than this, so you've nothing to lose by simply getting on with your lives and not getting involved in theirs.

MIL was chatting away to her niece's older son about school, joking that he hadn't had detention yet. My eldest daughter is in the same year at the same school, so I mentioned how well she's doing

her niece was talking about her daughter who plays football, and my MIL said, "I'll have to come and watch her play one day." My husband then pointed out that our daughter plays football too, but MIL completely ignored the comment and carried on as if nothing had been said.

I would have ignored the comment as well. I never understand why when talking to one person another wants to shoehorn their kid into it.

Do you always turn the conversation back towards you/your child?

I think YABU because neither you or your husband are teaching your daughters how to deal with tricky relationships other than by avoiding risk of conflict and pretending it’s not happening (DH) or crying and running away from the situation (OP).

Dealing with difficult people as an adult is an important life skill that parents need to teach their children because they definitely won’t learn this at school!

It often amazes me how many posters use ‘social anxiety’ as a ‘get out of adulting’ card on these threads. Avoiding uncomfortable situations is doing your children no favours at all and perpetuates the rot for the subsequent generations.

No there was obvs more to that convo where MIL sister asked about them both & MIL just seemed disinterested. My eldest daughter noticed it once when we went out for MIL b'day, My eldest daughter was talking to MIL & she turned away and started talking to another family members child

take it from someone with 18 yrs of experience, you are not alone.
I am pretty much no contact after very obvious favouritism by the in laws.

now my dc are older and can stay home wirhout us, if we ever need to pop over to theirs - which is rare for me - we do it without the kids, keep it short and sweet and are on our way shortly after.
if they ever ask where are the dc I say they didn’t want to come and leave it that.
don’t be upset . Decentre them from yours and your dcs lives. If they blatantly favour other grandchildren they are not worth your time and effort , and certainly not your tears.

There's tricky and there's being a complete p*ick which MIL is being. Its been 15 years of this, I had a miscarriage before we had my eldest & not once did she adknowledge it to my husband didn't even check how he was after it.

Stop attending, I did and honestly best thing I ever done. My kids were younger when I cut my mum off, but even now to this day, they absolutely remember the way ‘grab’ treated them vs the other grandchildren. My children now ignore her anytime they see her, ofcourse this means she’s the victim in her eyes as she can’t see the damage she done.

It doesn’t matter what you do, she will never acknowledge any struggle you’ve faced. I was a single parent at the time, at hospital upto 5 days a week between 2 of my children, working from home until late to make up lost hours, school runs, club runs etc. I made one comment about how knackered I was and she asked me how I thought my sister felt. Who is happily married with great family support, 1 healthy child and drops her daughter to school and off to work part time and back in plenty of time to chill before school is over…. apparently telling her she must feel pretty fucking great made me selfish 🤷🏼‍♀️ my sister on the other hand was absolutely dumbfounded at the sheer stupidity of the comment!

I wouldn't go again and neither would my DD unless there was some drastic shift

I was the overlooked grandchild. Why would you subject your children to this and teach them that it is okay? Why would you subject yourself to this kind of treatment too? Just don’t go. You will soon hear about how hurt MIL is when you no longer pander to her, but if she reels you back in, it will get worse.

SIL was the favourite here. No surprise it continued with her DC.

Stop worrying about your MIL. Focus on catching up with other lovely relatives at family gatherings.
Quite seriously, emulate your DH. He knows he can't change his mother yet he feels the contact with the wider family is worth it.

Or, she is teaching her daughters you don’t have to put up and be nice to toxic people just because they are “family”

Good lesson to learn early.

Hard disagree.
There is one thing having to deal with tricky people at work and having to negotiate these situations, be they colleagues, clients, rival companies, general public.

Totally different when family members or “friends” treat you badly. You don’t keep subjecting yourself to bad treatment. Sure, have a conversation if it is a recent change or it seems like a misunderstanding. However, over a prolonged period of time - just no.

ETA: Teach self respect, self worth and the realisation that no matter what you do, some people just won’t like you so you have to let it go and move on.