AIBU to stop attending family gatherings after MIL's favouritism?

[Footballcoachmum]

Am I being unreasonable here?
We went to my MIL's BBQ on Saturday and most of the family were there. I left feeling really upset and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting.
Throughout the whole day, my MIL barely acknowledged me, my husband (her own son) or our youngest daughter. At one point, her niece was talking about her daughter who plays football, and my MIL said, "I'll have to come and watch her play one day." My husband then pointed out that our daughter plays football too, but MIL completely ignored the comment and carried on as if nothing had been said.
Later, MIL was chatting away to her niece's older son about school, joking that he hadn't had detention yet. My eldest daughter is in the same year at the same school, so I mentioned how well she's doing. Again, no interest, no follow-up questions, just completely dismissed.
To make matters worse, my husband's stepdad then started questioning our parenting and commented that we let our youngest get away with too much. For context, our youngest has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She's loud, energetic and can be hard work at times, but we absolutely do not let her do whatever she wants. In fact, parenting her has been one of the biggest challenges we've faced and has taken a huge toll on my mental health. Comments like that really sting because they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and are judging a situation they know very little about.
My husband isn't particularly bothered because they rarely make an effort with us anyway, but I find it genuinely upsetting. I got to the point where I just wanted to leave and go home and cry.
Then, to top it all off, my MIL once again started telling a story about my husband and his ex. The event happened over 20 years ago, but I've heard this same story at virtually every family gathering during the 15 years I've been with him. My husband agrees it's disrespectful, but he's very laid back and doesn't want any drama.
What hurts most is that my eldest daughter is now starting to notice the difference in how we're treated compared with other family members.
Am I being unreasonable for saying that I no longer want to attend family gatherings, and that I don't particularly want my daughters attending either, especially when they're starting to pick up on the favouritism and lack of interest themselves?

Just stop bothering with them and decline any invitations. You don't need them in your life. It's up to DH to manage his own relationship with them, you don't need to be involved.

Perfectly reasonable to step back OP.

My ex PIL's so obviously favoured SIL's kids. Gave them expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmas, babysat them often, their faces would light up around them. It was so sad for my kids.

The final straw for me was when, after looking after SIL's dog for a couple of weeks, they were regaling us with tales of what they'd done with the dog each day and how they had spoiled him. I thought 'wow they have never treated our children that well!' and after that I backed away completely from them.

She is not going to change. So what to do? The one thing I would not do is continue to pretend her behaviour is not outrageous and just put up with it.
If you don’t want a family rift you could attend those events you want to see the people you want and avoid your MiL. You would need to have an age appropriate conversation with your children and agree an approach on how to handle the situation with them. If she does behave badly despite your best attempts, call her on it there and then. Dont be afraid of bringing it out on the open. I can imagine your child responding to the comment about the football for example ‘it’s ok mum, I know grandma doesn’t like our family so obviously she would not want to watch me’ - nice and loud for everyone to hear! But stop doing the ‘pick me’ trying to make her care about your family because she likes being able to slight you - ignore her and avoid her. You could combine this with a policy of declining anything not to your benefit and never inviting her over. Also, no favours or help - dont ask and don’t provide. You may well (no guarantee) start to see her respect you more and try harder when you deop her like a stone.

Tackle it head on, when she ignores you or your children again pull her up in front of everyone... Say something like oh sorry did you not hear me or are you being rude? Unacceptable behaviour from a grown woman!

If it was you being sidelined, I would suggest persisting.

As it is affecting your DC, it would be unkind to them to continue. It is no example to them to see such unfavourable treatment accepted as normal.

Come from over 27 years experience of this. MIL has always favoured the grandchildren of DW's sibling, principally because their mother (her daughter-in-law) is the best person to ever walk this planet in her view. All of the grandchildren know this and joke about it amongst themselves (so no animosity there thankfully). Our 2 children however as grown adults have nothing to do with MIL and she just cannot see why. Most definitely a case of reaping what they sow.

I'd stop attending, and make it very clear to the kids that it was entirely their choice whether they do so.

How far away do you live?

We stopped seeing my inlaws for about two years following this kind of behaviour - mostly from my MIL. But we lived 1.5 hours away and only typically saw them a few times per year. I don't think they even noticed!

We did resume social contact with them once our children were older and could speak up for themselves. I just didn't see the point in wasting my time and energy seeing them and being made to feel like a bad parent. My MIL appeared to have a dislike of my eldest and called her names behind our back so I felt compelled to protect her. DH was onboard as he had his own tricky upbringing.

When we started seeing them again, they were kinder, or less outspoken at least, and now my DC are grown up and have their own relationship with inlaws and it is all fine. I was fortunate in that DH's brother, who was MIL's favourite, used to stick up for us and challenge his parents on our behalf.

Anyway, I said YANBU. We don't owe people our time and access to our children if they are mean-spirited to us or our children.

We live 15 mins away, they actually used to live 4 hours away (which was perfect for me) but moved to the next town to us to 'be closer to the grandchildren' but ignore said grandchildren

Yep, bin them off. Then add passive aggressive comments on social media about how sad it is when you have to cut ties with extended family who go out of their way to make you feel excluded and less than.

Just no need, is there. Let's hope they never need anything from you.

"Laid back" and "doesn't want drama" are just different ways of saying "coward" and "lacking a backbone". I have no patience for people like this who make life harder for everyone. A few well-placed comments from your partner would potentially have fixed this. Like: "hang on mum, Footballcoachmum was just talking about our child.. did you have any follow-up questions" or "can we focus on this side of the family for a few minutes" or "we have lots of updates about XYZ, if you're interested" and when it's ignored: "oh, so you're not interested in catching up, we'll get out of your hair then, enjoy your meal".

And then walk out. It's not difficult, is it? Otherwise, he is asking you to spend every gathering being treated like that. Have a conversation with him and ask why he doesn't want to stand up for you.

Urgh, couldn't have sex with a man who demonstrates he has no balls. Sorry.

This.

Oh no. Watch out for the expectations of help and care as they age - the favourite child will never be expected to do this.*
And, if we want to be cynical/realistic - the inheritance is unlikely to be equally split anyway. Obviously, I could be completely wrong but she doesn’t strike me as a fair person based on your posts.

*to add, the “lesser” child is manipulated into thinking that one day they will meet their parent’s approval and receive equal love by tending to their every need.

She doesn't like you, and by extension your children. However you have a massive DH problem is he has refused to do anything to support you over the years, and actually he is an awful father if he hasn't tackled the blatant dislike towards his own children.

Why do you stay with someone who doesn't have his wife's back or worse, his children's backs?