AIBU to question a pool asking my four-year-old daughter to cover up?

[ChampagneLassie]

I took my two daughters, aged two and four, swimming at Nuffield Health. My four-year-old was wearing swimming bottoms but no top.
A staff member told me she needed to wear something “more appropriate” — apparently a bikini top or one-piece. I asked why, as a four-year-old boy would presumably be allowed to swim topless.
I said I felt this was sexualising a pre-pubescent child. The staff member replied, “I’m a mother. I’m not sexualising children.”
When I asked about the actual policy, she could only say that children had to wear “appropriate clothing”. I’m planning to contact Nuffield for clarification, but I’m interested in other parents’ views.
AIBU to question this? Would you expect a four-year-old girl to have to cover her chest?
I used AI to help make this post more readable.

Sadly I think society has been conditioned to believe that female nipples (of any age) are inappropriate and should be covered at all times.

Just like we’re conditioned to believe that breasts are a “sexual” organ and they are for the male pleasure rather than their primary function of feeding our children.

I don’t quite get this.

my kids did ballet.

the uniform for my son was black shorts and white t shirt. The uniform for my daughter was pink leotard and pink tights.

is that sexualising children because the uniform is different?

if so, then children are sexualised all the time - at school, at ballet, everywhere.

I was under the impression sexualising children was a bad thing. How can having different kit for different sexes be considered sexualising them?

It's ott, she's a little girl. Just because one day she will have breasts doesn't mean she needs to cover her chest. Ridiculous. She was in pants, that's fine.

I don't think you're BU. However if you're now uncomfortable with the situation would you consider putting her in board shorts instead? I dislike bikini bottoms for little girls, they're always riding up, get sand in places that you don't want sand, not enough cover for the sun etc. Tried finding swim shorts but most of the girl ones are still like hot pants. Prefer the two piece options as it's easier to go to the loo etc when wet. Then one day I realised DD could wear DS's swim shorts (took me way too long to think of it!) and it's much better for us. Boardshorts and a rashvest in the sun, just the shorts in the pool. Would imagine people are less likely to question gender then as the shorts aren't tight/it's not obvious. Doesn't work in France though where they want everyone wearing the tiniest swimwear possible!

But really small children's nipples shouldn't be causing anyone any offence. Can imagine most kids get to the stage where they're aware of themselves and want to cover up more at which point you follow their lead. But at 4 it shouldn't matter imo.

I imagine you remember yourself growing up and at what point you felt you wanted to wear a bikini top. For me it was at about the age of 7 and well before puberty. The chances are that most girls will feel the need to cover up (for better or worse) before they have to be policed.

But why ..why are we sexualising 4 year old girls?

Ok, I see I wasn't precise enough for some.

I've never seen a young boy in normal swimming/bathing situation (similar to what the OP describes) wearing an equivalent of the girls one piece swimming costume. Because it is pointless.

Yes, competition athletes use specific performance clothing.
Yes, the sun protection overall exists.
Neither is relevant.

Because it’s inherently unequal. Like schoolgirls not being permitted to wear trousers or have clothes with pockets…and here with a 4 year old is where it begins

What would be the purpose of a bikini top for a toddler.
If you want to keep her in bottoms only you could get some boys shorts or something and no one will question it but definitely complain about this woman hassling you when you’ve got enough on your plate and you’re out getting you’re children active. It’s always women and girls being picked on for appearance and appropriateness. I can’t see what the problem is about a topless toddler.

People can think what they want, but it is about sexualisation of young girls. The only reason there is an expectation for a 4 year old to wear a bikini top is that because one day breasts will be there.

She is 4. At that age, boys and girls chests are the same. We're not asking little boys to put bikini tops on.

It may be social convention in the UK, but let's be real, when you think about it, it's just plain old misogyny. It's very normal elsewhere for kids that age to just be in bottoms!

On a side note, I think all children that age should be in appropriately and bright coloured swimming costumes, because it helps if they are drowning!

Don't like seeing young girls wandering around in just bottoms in a beach/swimming setting. Also dislike them with a bikini top on as that is totally inappropriate!
I have a boy and a girl and both wear tops when swimming. They always have done and are fine with it.
FWIW my DH wears a top when swimming and I'm usually well covered, so they are used to their parents being modestly dressed!

You don't take the whole suit off, you pull the gusset over and pee.

For the first time I wanted it as three years old, because it looked cool and grown up.

After getting in the water in it, I refused to wear bikini top again for years.

But why should it be different for a boy and a girl when they look exactly the same at that age, and do not have developed secondary sexual characteristics?

I’ve never ever seen any child at a pool in the UK just wearing briefs. Just take normal swimwear, either swim shorts or a swimming costume. Then you won’t get unwanted attention and drama!

Ok. So anything anywhere that is different between girls and boys is sexualising them.

so if teen girls have shirts that are cut to actually fit, as opposed to having to wear men’s ones, that’s sexualising them. I mean I think I’m in favour of clothes being cut to fit people’s actual body shapes, and god knows me and my dd have had enough trouble with uniforms designed by and for men, so I think on the whole I’d like stuff that is designed for and fits women and girls, so yes I’m in favour of sexualisation.

one size/one template fits all has a bloody lot to answer for.

We aren't. But at what point do you tell a girl they need a top on? Who polices that? It's easier to say swimsuits for all girls.

Both mine wore some kind of top at that age, kids get cold even in indoor pool, so they'd wear like a zip up swimsuit with shorts and short sleeves. Most kids I know wore the same. My eldest is an 8 yr old boy and lately he's 50/50 just board shorts or board shorts and rash vest. My 5 yr old girl loves clothes so has every configuration of swimsuit but no bikinis because wee kids in bikinis give me the ick. I think you underestimate how cold they get when so young. And yeah getting in and out of swimwear is a pain but it's not that hard

Not in my world and I swam in competitions, galas as a kid, Mum a swim teacher…maybe my torso is too long lol

It's not the norm for any logical reason. It's just kiddy fashion.

If the leisure centre insists on a four year old girl covering her chest, I would demand to be told their reasoning. Because there is absolutely no logical reason to cover four year old nipples on either sex.

I had trouble convincing my eldest DD to wear clothes until she was about 8 so I understand what the OP means! She also wore just shorts at the pool the “can’t put my finger on it but it’s wrong” brigade here would have clutched their pearls as she liked “boy” style bottoms and had short hair so was indistinguishable from any other little boy.

YANBU OP.

Kids that age often just wear a pair of knickers to go in the sea or a paddling pool in the park. They become more self conscious way before they need to once they begin school and tend to self police what they want to wear anyway.....usually something emblazoned with some gaudy Disney princess but it was unecceasary of the member of staff to butt in and make it a thing. I mean maybe if you were topless but not a child.

@Octavia64 it seems though that girls stuff is often tighter, shaped and less practical/covered up. Why? It's hard to argue that womens t shirts accentuating the waist, or trousers being figure hugging etc isn't to make them more attractive/shapley, so when you see the same attributes in clothes for little girls it has the same connotations.

I remember doing a photoshoot with an NCT group once and the group leader pointed out one of the boys was in a girls romper (not in a bad way, we were talking about this very topic and she used that romper as an example). The parents were really confused as to why this blue pinstripe romper was a 'girls' one. It was because it was nipped in at the waist and had short elasticated legs which stopped right at the top of the thigh rather than knee length legs. Creating a more 'shapely' figure, on a newborn 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don't get me started on that girls stuff is often made of a thinner material and less covering when most of the girls I know feel the cold more than boys. Surely that would mean we get warmer clothes....but they don't look as good, so shows where the priorities are.

Totally disagree..unless you want all pre puberty nipples covered then we are back to 1920s suits for the boys too. Those ones with the horizontal stripes. Unless we ARE sexualising girls ???

I have genuinely never seen just bikini bottoms for a 4 yr old, you say you're surprised it's the norm but take a look around when at the pool, how often do you actually see topless kids of this age? Also just bikini bottoms is way less coverage than a boy in swim shorts. Would you have a boy on just Speedos? That feels wrong for a pre school kid too