AIBU to question a pool asking my four-year-old daughter to cover up?

[ChampagneLassie]

I took my two daughters, aged two and four, swimming at Nuffield Health. My four-year-old was wearing swimming bottoms but no top.
A staff member told me she needed to wear something “more appropriate” — apparently a bikini top or one-piece. I asked why, as a four-year-old boy would presumably be allowed to swim topless.
I said I felt this was sexualising a pre-pubescent child. The staff member replied, “I’m a mother. I’m not sexualising children.”
When I asked about the actual policy, she could only say that children had to wear “appropriate clothing”. I’m planning to contact Nuffield for clarification, but I’m interested in other parents’ views.
AIBU to question this? Would you expect a four-year-old girl to have to cover her chest?
I used AI to help make this post more readable.

And to add to this my child only swims in a full swimming costume and she is 4 and that’s how it’ll stay for many years as will my son when he is born be in a full swimsuit/wet suit for a good few years.

I think most 4 year old girls wear swimsuits. I rarely see girls past young toddler age without a top on.

Yes.
I can’t imagine what sort of get up some people are wrestling their kids in and out of?
It really is reaching to insist it’s so much easier to let your dd just wear pants.

I didn’t want a reaction, I want to make swimming as easy as possible. I was managing both kids on my own today

I always managed my two on my own. Both girls. Both with swimsuits.
I really don't see what's hard about it.

I haven't seen girls only wearing bottoms at an indoor pool in the UK unless they're a baby. It really isn't the norm here for girls to be topless in a leisure centre type pool.

My DS wears a top for his swimming lessons because the pool is chilly!

Whether the OP agrees or not or she’s going against a social norm for quite a lazy reason. Both of my girls did swimming from 3 months old. I have never seen a girl in a public pool in just bottoms. Now at that age you would bat an eyelid if kids ended up naked in a paddling pool in a private garden but it just isn’t something you see in public pools. Most girls that age will be in one piece swimming costumes in the pool.

There is no way my four year old would accept swimming without a swimsuit or two piece. Or one that isn’t pink and/or frilly for that matter.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it but at that age we’ve discussed parts being private and she knows anything under the swimsuit is private and wouldn’t want to be exposed.

I hated going to the beach as a child and having to get changed on the beach, even at three years old I wouldn’t accept it and would have be taken to the car/loos to get changed. I wouldn’t make DC feel uncomfortable but at the same time wouldn’t think twice about someone else’s child.

Not a single person in this thread has explained why a 4 year old girl needs to cover her chest when this is not a requirement for 4 year old boys.

I’d just put them in boys bottoms tbh. Then the staff won’t know

My child wasn’t 10 at the time. He was 6-8.

In Europe most girls don't wear tops until they're 8-9-10yo. Why would they? They're chests are no different to the boys. I took my daughter swimming until she was nearly 3yo in just the nappy bottom cover in the UK as that was the only swimming cover we had! That seemed normal in the swimming lessons we were at too!

It might be the norm, but that's not the point.

OP was addressed as though there was something offensive about her DD only wearing pants. And that it wouldn't be allowed in future. And I'm still waiting for some actual logic for a rule like that.

Incidentally, I've just spent five minutes reading Nuffield's rules for children using their pools. And there's not a word about what they have to wear. So I'm guessing that this staff member was making it up.

She’s not sexualising your daughter she is trying to protect her from the possibility of some pervert paedo who may be at the pool and getting their rocks off on the mental image of your half naked daughter. It’s wrong that girls have to cover up but you as her parent have a duty to protect her and I don’t think her attire was appropriate either

All these people saying that it is 'normal' and you should follow the dress code for girls by putting them in a one piece or bikini need to ask themselves, 'Why?' Why is it normal? Why do we have that dress code? There is absolutely no justification whatsoever in a prepubescent girl. And it is absolutely sexualising them. Just because you haven't stopped to think about it and there is no intention on your part to sexualise doesn't mean you are not participating in that.

We had no idea why he was there yet! It took till later that day for his wife to come and apologise/explain. Dh just gently shooed him out (almost too politely in my opinion at the time, I wanted to call the police!)

On that note, dh would also not have wanted to meet any police with no top on. There's barely any situation where he'd be happy with no top on.

Similarly he hates it if the kids try to go into the bathroom when he's having a wee, whereas I'm ok with having a toddler for an audience.

Those are all examples of modesty without sexualisation. I could go on. Just because we don't have an alternative word except the ambiguous "modesty", doesn't mean the concept doesn't exist in our culture. I'm astonished there are so many on this thread who can't understand that the concept of modesty can exist separately from sexualisation.

@Wtafdidido She’s not sexualising your daughter she is trying to protect her from the possibility of some pervert paedo who may be at the pool and getting their rocks off on the mental image of your half naked daughter.

Pervert paedo will look at girls regardless of what they are wearing.

And why does this same concern not exist for pervert paedos looking at boys? Boys usually don't cover their chest when swimming.

I guess in posting I was trying to gauge whether my instinct was normal or whether I should just be forcing her into a swimsuit or 2 piece

You should certainly be trying to get her used to it. She won't always be 4

You think paedophiles are only turned on by little girls when their nipples are exposed? That's not how it works. And if it did it would apply to the naked flesh of little boys as well. So the logical argument there would be that all children should be covered at the pool but that is not what happens when people make this argument.

Yes, "covering up" is embedded in our consciousness for some reason, it probably goes back to some ancient protection mechanism in the brain, younger people seem less bothered, maybe because social media is frying their brain cells.

Life isn’t always dictated by logic- sometimes it’s just based on feelings and internalised rules. There are lots of things we do that are not 100% dictated by logic. Now you can rally against it and say it’s illogical but there are obviously a lot of women on who wouldn’t have dressed their own daughters as the OP did.

Sometimes you can fight the good fight and other times it might be better to just adapt behaviour. I’m not sure there are many 4 year olds who would actually object to wearing a swimming costume.

I think this post contrasts nicely with the pjs at the hotel breakfast one from earlier.

Yes it probably shouldn't matter if a young girl has her top half covered to swim or if adults change into day clothes before eating breakfast when in a hotel, but it DOES because there are certain customs and societal expectations you are breaking, and when you do it makes people uncomfortable.

It’s ridiculous. I’ll be interested to hear what Nuffield says. She’s 4. Why had she got to have her chest covered? What’s that all about??

"Boys usually don't cover their chest when swimming."

Exactly, so that wouldn"t be anything exciting or different to a paedo who hangs about near swimming pools.

Is expecting a 4yo to wear pants sexualising a child? Or is it helping them to recognise that there are some body parts which are private?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of the pool to require normal swimming outfits for children. I’ve never seen a girl even of toddler age wearing just bottoms in a pool. Beach, yep. But I’ve also seen adult women topless on the beach and I’d be shocked if any of them did that at the council leisure centre!

A wet cozzie is not the same as shorts and tshirt.

OP I have lads so would obv put them in shorts, I'd buy a cozzie or shorts and vest like you have, not a bikini, and would put the tip on cos, you just do. But see absolutely nothing wrong with what you did and if she's happy then it doesn't matter.