I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

[Gemitf]

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

I do want her to know the truth for her own good too

Bluntly speaking, the time to be thinking of "her own good" was the time before starting the affair. When it was in progress, and now it's over, you weren't going to tell her as a kindness, so stop fooling yourself.

Eh? Where did I say any of that?

Why on EARTH would you want to make the fact you did a truly terrible and despicable thing public knowledge??? God, just breathe a sigh of relief you haven’t been found out and work out why you have nuked your life so spectacularly in private with a therapist would be my advice.

I know a man who had an affair, the woman he cheated with wasn't in the school/ social circle. His life was made incredibly hard. School nativity was especially tough. People talking about him, others who were friends completely blanking him. I think things are somewhat easier now but I know it was rough.
Imagine being the woman in similar position, but its more personal now, because its been both your family, friends of yours, friends of DHs, friends of AP and friends of his wife.

I dont agree with cheating, but id reccommend putting your head down, making your marriage work, or ending it and hoping the affair never comes to light.

Youre blowing you and your childrens lives up if yoi tell his wife.

I have a friend who was in this exact situation. Against all advice from her friends who knew about the affair, she told his wife. It did not end well for my friend. I urge you to not not tell your husband either. It may clear your conscience (selfish) but it will only wound him. Spend your energy on working with your husband to strengthen your marriage. Shut up and don’t tell the wife or your husband. No good would come of it.

He wants to keep you sweet so that you won't blab or if he feels like a shag again . Wise up!

Why is it so important that his wife finds out and his marriage is ruined but not yours? Does your husband not deserve the same respect?

These things happen and unless you’re in it it’s hard to understand. I have just ended an affair with a married man( I didn’t know he was married for the first 7 months) and I miss him terribly so I understand the want to tell her but that’s his job really. Sometimes people fall in love with other people if there are cracks already in their present relationship, it happens and they are such heartbreaking and anxiety ridden situations which are hard to get out of. In my case I felt like I had met my person but he’s not mine to have. I’ve left him to it but I’m miserable. We’re only human and to me it means neither of you are happy in your current relationships as I know I wouldn’t even look at another man if I was happy. I’m divorced btw, and was single when I met him in a dating site.

A few people have said he only wants to continue the emotional side to ‘keep me sweet’ and prevent me from telling his wife.

I honestly don’t believe that’s the case, because a) he knows I’m married with young children and that I’d be imploding my own life as well as his; b) I’ve always made it clear to him that I never intended or intend to leave my husband or split my family up; c) This has been going on for a year and if I was going to tell her, I could easily have done it by now.

My reading of the situation (although I accept I could be completely wrong as I’m clearly not thinking straight at the moment) is that he genuinely thinks we have this deep, meaningful connection that he doesn’t want to let go of but, at the same time, he can’t live with the guilt of the physical cheating. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with emotional intimacy or sexting though! It’s so messed up. I am a mess. I fully accept that. I want to do the right things, but I cannot bring myself to block him. I’ve had my finger hovering over the block button this evening and for some reason I can’t do it.

He’s keeping you sweet because he’s rightly scared of what crazy shit you might do if he dumps you completely

You're going to blow your children's lives up and they will know why. What have your children done to deserve the gossip and judgement on the playground? This will follow them to high school, were kids won't hold back calling you a slag and holding you responsibile for ruining the other family. Think about what this Christmas will look like, how your family are going to take it. You might even get your face put in. Wake up. Go to bloody church and confess if you have to. Anything you direct at him, is going to come back ten fold, on your children.

I'm confused why anyone would think the poor wife should be kept in the dark?

Don't be a bitch, she's the innocent one in this.

You and her husband are the adulterers - you deal with your marriage that you clearly are not interested in, and leave her adulterous husband to sort his marriage.

I feel like you are taking the moral high ground over him by describing how guilty you feel, but as an outsider it could well look like you’re currently continuing with your life with your family as you haven’t told your husband.

I think it will all come out in time once you’ve told your husband, and other people start to learn about it. So stop thinking about his family and focus on your own for now.

In an ideal world of course she shouldn’t be kept in the dark.

But it absolutely shouldn’t come from a vindictive, spiteful action of a jilted affair partner.

@LilacGrass makes a good point. How can you be angry he's playing happy families with his wife, when you are doing the same and also carrying on the emotional side of this affair?

Absolute bullshit.

At least be honest with yourself @Gemitf , you wouldn’t have had the affair if you were worried about what was good for her.

Tell her if you must. But don’t kid yourself it’s for her sake.

Both innocent parties deserve the truth.

So youre kidding yourself, things change and an affair is sexy and illicit and its easy for feelings to run away because its a secret bond, and oh you love them but you cant blah blah.. and you get swept up in the fantasy and intensity.

But its breaking apart now, your desire to keep quiet is waning, even you say that in your OP and hes not an idiot. He will know he has balance to maintain.

That said I suspect he gets a decent amount of sex at home. But what he gets from this affair is adoration, love thats all sex and passion not love thats duty and commitment.

I think he wants the emotional affair because it strokes his ego. It makes him feel sexy.

But he doesnt love you.

Hmm. Don't pretend that you're any better than he is.

I think just do what you feel OP, it doesn’t really matter now I don’t think.

Also so what if it’s selfish— we don’t have to be perfect all the time.

Im abandoning this thread because this is so frustrating. OP, kindly, you’re delusional and - as a parent - on the cusp of causing irreparable damage to the vulnerable people you both bought into this world.
I urge you to get to a therapist and figure out why you’re so willing to believe this nonsense to the detriment of everything you hold dear. You are literally putting your obsession with this man ahead of your kids‘ wellbeing and happiness. Something similar happened to both me and my husband as kids. You have no idea the mess and the pain our respective parents caused - and the shadows cast decades later.

I have been the unsuspecting wife in this situation.

Tell your husband and it will be out of your hands. Your husband is very likely to confront your ‘other man’.

Or maybe this is what you want, to get what you want. Blow it all up and run off into the sunset with your man.

This is what happened in my life. In fact the ‘other woman’s’ husband (and his father) were our ‘first foots’ on New Year’s Day…

OW wanted my husband, ‘she always gets what she wants’ her husband told me

One of the worst days of our lives.

Happy New Year eh?

Mills & Boon stuff.

@Gemitf the fact that you are considering continuing an emotional affair and are only no longer having a physical one because your AP put a stop to it just goes to show how little you care for your husband. You say you’d never leave your husband and you feel so guilty but your actions say otherwise. Maybe it’s the thrill of the secret, the break from your day to day life rather than the AP himself seeing as you find interactions draining and negative. Regardless of why you’re doing this you need to come clean to your husband, what you’re doing is cruel and utterly heartless.

This isn’t some great love story or (from what you’ve said) and escape from an abusive or miserable marriage. You have been entirely selfish and not given anyone else a second thought, no matter what you try to convince yourself of.

Have some decency and tell your husband the truth, stop dithering over a man who is as much as a coward as you are, put your family first. The longer you leave this the more hurt you are causing.