To be upset DH will take time off for ex & not us.

[Farmwifefarmlife]

DH has a SC from a previous relationship a teenager. All summer hols I’ve done the childcare for our 3 young DC & juggled work ect I’ve asked him a couple of times to have the odd day off to come out with us or to have a couple of days off so I can work, all have been met with a no he can’t afford to. He’s Self Employed, our weekend to have SC & she’s announced her moms said she needs to stay till Tuesday. This is a regular occurrence with her not pre asking if we can do extra childcare ect I’ve said no sorry I can’t be the free childcare this time ( first time I’ve ever said no!) & suddenly DH can have two days off too look after her!

I'm feeling pretty upset over it all , our relationship has been tense lately and I feel very much bottom of DH list & this has just topped it off to be honest. But I’m unsure if IABU?

@Farmwifefarmlife your own children are still young, she sounds like a normal teen.
Maybe take time to read up on adolescence and the teen years? They generally turn around closer to 25, so you have a few more moody years ahead.

Your husband is the issue here, not your dsd.

How much does he contribute to caring for the 3 children you have together?

Firstly I would say most teens are exactly like this at lead time of the time

Secondly most teens don't have to deal with their parents separating and both moving on to churn out loads of new children with their new partners. So she deserves a lot of extra understanding and forgiveness. My children are epic but I am pretty sure it i decided to pop out multiple additional children with a new partner and their dad did the same they would feel that life was pretty unfair and act accordingly

Maybe because we’re out in the country it’s different. How is that my fault? Why’s my DH supposed to do in his early 30s remain single & chid free for the rest of his time? His ex already had a child, then one with my H & then one with her AP.

Well, yes, I think at least one of her parents should have made sure she was their priority. He wouldnt have had to "remain child free", he had a child.

But as this is the situation now, the least all the adults can do is meet her with empathy and understanding and not expect her to be delighted at the presence of endless half siblings

I’m curious about her actual age because she sounds like a typical 13-15 year old. The isolation and general grumpiness is normal. They grow out of it.

It is natural. If you don’t hate your family a bit, you won’t be able to separate, move to another social group, and select a mate that provides genetic diversity.

Once you start thinking about your 13 year olds mood this way, it becomes so much easier to accept. Then by the time they are an older teen it calms down. I’m told I should expect a resurgence right before she leaves for university.

As for your husband, I really don’t see why he needs to stay home for a teenager without special needs. It is her home and she should be able to come and go as long as you aren’t out of town.

You do have a larger issue of him not doing his fair share of parenting, but it has nothing to do with his other child or his ex. You have accepted a 50/50 financial arrangement when he doesn’t do 50/50 split of the parenting. That is where your focus should be. Leave his other child out of the discussion.

I think everyone here has said it is typical teenage behaviour, yet despite not having raised one yourself, you think you are an expert to say she is unusual?

I have 2 teens currently, plus an early 20's. I'm feeling more sorry for her than before. You are blinkered and being incredibly unreasonable towards her. No wonder she has resorted to swearing, she is unheard and being treated badly.

Leave her alone; she doesn't need your niggling and interference. Your children and you are being pests, to put it mildly.

He was fucking not child free in his thirties he had a child that should have been his priority.
He didn’t need to seed the planet, and you should’ve spotted this looser at 20 paces when he was only minimally involved.

This is a good opportunity for you to learn how to parent teenagers. Many of us will tell you how challenging they are at this age - you have all of this to look forward to with your own!!

For me, the issue seems a lot bigger than whether he has taken leave for the bank holiday. It seems to be merging into how you feel about the step daughter and that doesn’t seem fair on her. If it’s coming across in your interactions with her, even subconsciously then that will have a negative impact on all your relationships within the house.

Years ago, I was a step mum to a pair of teenagers (my son was a toddler - early primary school) and it was really hard. When I reflect back on what I expected years ago, now I have my own 18 year old, I realise I was expecting far too much. Teenagers are all unique, but they are going through huge changes in their brains, biologies etc etc.

Your DH needs to understand that this is a hard thing for you to navigate with your step daughter - he also needs to realise that he needs to step up. Equally, you need to understand that you're coming at this from a position where you (understandably) have no experience - it's a learning curve. You won't get everything right; nor will anyone else, but flexibility is important or you will all be miserable.

I mean, he probably should have stopped at one. He isn't interested in the three that you have with him, his oldest isn't interested in the three you have. He should have stopped at the one he had and made her his priority.