To be upset DH will take time off for ex & not us.

[Farmwifefarmlife]

DH has a SC from a previous relationship a teenager. All summer hols I’ve done the childcare for our 3 young DC & juggled work ect I’ve asked him a couple of times to have the odd day off to come out with us or to have a couple of days off so I can work, all have been met with a no he can’t afford to. He’s Self Employed, our weekend to have SC & she’s announced her moms said she needs to stay till Tuesday. This is a regular occurrence with her not pre asking if we can do extra childcare ect I’ve said no sorry I can’t be the free childcare this time ( first time I’ve ever said no!) & suddenly DH can have two days off too look after her!

I'm feeling pretty upset over it all , our relationship has been tense lately and I feel very much bottom of DH list & this has just topped it off to be honest. But I’m unsure if IABU?

Because he wouldn’t do the same for me when I needed childcare. He hasn’t spoken to ex about it SD has said she can go back today or Tuesday.

So what happened when you needed childcare and he wouldn't do it?

Who did it?

i had to do the childcare we don’t have family help & childminder was unwell.

Stop pushing her to interact with the little ones. That's really not fair.

She's just being a teenager . When yours reach that age they will be similar

Right so he did have a choice and that's why he chose not to do it because he knew you would.

This time he doesn't have a choice because you won't.

Look, he's a totally selfish git of course, but the reason he's taken the time off now is because he has no-one else to do the childcare (unlike last time when you did it).

I’ve done everything for her, organised all birthday/ Christmas gifts, thrown birthday parties taken her out before our DC came along hundreds of times without DH

Why wasn't your husband doing any of this stuff? And have you stopped doing all this since having your own kids?

They obviously want to interact with her so I’ll say she needs to come downstairs ect or they knock on her door & she’s just incredibly unkind to them.

Do you really tell her she has to come downstairs and play with the younger children when she wants to stay in her room? Is this when you and your husband are working?

He's not doing it for his ex, he's doing it for his daughter

And if he's father to 4 children I am not surprised he's putting his work first. That's a lot children he needs to provide for

Poor kid, so both her parents moved on and had loads more children. I don't blame her for being a fairly typical grumpy teen . In fact I wouldn't blame her if she went entirely off the rails.

It ment canceling work though & he knew that.

OP is this your DH's step-child or biological child? Are you saying he won't take time off for his own children but takes time off for someone else's child?

I really don't see how your stepdaughter is the issue here. She doesn't sound like she is of an age where she needs childcare so if your H feels obliged to take time off while she is there, I can only assume that it's because he feels that he needs to referee between you and DSD and/or protect her from being hassled by her younger siblings etc?

The real issue seems to be that he isn't pulling his weight with regard to the care of your shared children. What's the set up between you? Do you both contribute equally financially or have you taken on the role of primary carer while he has become the primary breadwinner or what?

He hardly needs to do that does he I’m not beating her with a stick! I don’t think her siblings asking her once to play is pestering her. She’ll say she wants to play a board game but grunts / ignores people when spoken too or sits with her head phones on listening to music rather than engaging with everyone else.

finances are split 50/50 with me taking on more finances with the children as in days out uniform ect

Well if the child's mother won't look after her, and you also won't look after her, he doesn't have a lot of choice but to take the time off, does he? He'd probably prefer not to but he has to!

If my 15 year old DD needed looking after(special needs aside), I'd feel I'd failed.

You get together with a man who has a child then want that child to simply?? Disappear?
Then knowing full well he’s NOT a hands on involved parent have children with him.
Shame on you for thinking he’d change.

YABU you’re an adult and she’s his child.

You’ve clearly not read my responses.

I’ve read all your responses, yes your husband doesn’t help enough. Glad he’s taking time off with his daughter now (even if she doesn’t engage).
Doesn’t erase the fact you got together with a man who had a child.

Welcome to life with a teenager, I’m afraid.

You might enjoy the book by Sarah Jayne Blakemore: ‘Inventing Yourself, Secrets of an Adolescent Brain’ (audiobook is very accessible too).

I’m sorry your DH doesn’t recognise that he should be taking time off to spend with you and the younger children. Is it worth a chat with him more broadly?

Ive certainly never met any other teenagers who act like this. There has been endless chats & promises to improve but unfortunately nothing ever changes.

how many teenagers have lived in your house? They are different out in the ‘wild’ than they are at home, so you can’t really judge based on teenagers who have not lived in your house.

Teenagers don't need childcare. And she doesn't get up until lunch and then disappears after eating? Somewhat contradicts your post when you call her a bully, sounds like she's not that present and you just don't want her there. I

I can't see how to can deny her being there when it's her home too?

Sounds like you have a problem with your partner not getting involved in family life. Do not take that resentment out on a teenager

Very different to living with one 🤣 Plenty of parents "know" my teenager. Can't imagine them putting a foot wrong or ever speaking back but trust, they knows very well how to push buttons and be a sneaky little shit. They'd be in bed every day til after lunch if I left them to it as well

Your OP was about you being cheesed off with your DH not doing more with you and your kids but you seem to have moved on to complain about your teenage SD not behaving the way you want her to. What is it you are actually looking for? And do you think you need to tell DH, rather than us?