To be upset DH will take time off for ex & not us.

[Farmwifefarmlife]

DH has a SC from a previous relationship a teenager. All summer hols I’ve done the childcare for our 3 young DC & juggled work ect I’ve asked him a couple of times to have the odd day off to come out with us or to have a couple of days off so I can work, all have been met with a no he can’t afford to. He’s Self Employed, our weekend to have SC & she’s announced her moms said she needs to stay till Tuesday. This is a regular occurrence with her not pre asking if we can do extra childcare ect I’ve said no sorry I can’t be the free childcare this time ( first time I’ve ever said no!) & suddenly DH can have two days off too look after her!

I'm feeling pretty upset over it all , our relationship has been tense lately and I feel very much bottom of DH list & this has just topped it off to be honest. But I’m unsure if IABU?

YANBU!

But I don’t understand - why does she need childcare if she’s a teenager?

And who looks after your DCs whilst you’re both at work?

He doesn't exactly have a choice about it if her mother isn't available and you're refusing (as is your right), does he?

She'll get to spend some time with her Dad, which is always a good thing anyhow - presumably as you aren't 'free childcare' this time, he'll do stuff with her before the end of the holidays.

How come he doesn’t do much with any of his DC over the summer? How much parenting does he do for all 4 of his DC

I juggle running my business from home & childcare we use a childminder but she’s had some time off over the holidays so it’s always me that has to juggle it.

at her moms she is left on her own she also has older siblings there while her mom works.

she doesn’t need “looking after “ but when I’m here without DH she’s incredibly rude & disrespectful & picks on our younger DC. So this time I’ve said no also our DC go back to school/ childminders on Tuesday.

She doesn’t emerge from her room till lunchtime / eats & then re disappears till dinner time. He certainly won’t be doing anything with her.

He’s working, self employed but won’t take anytime off for us / me. His ex said she could go back Sunday ( usual arrangement) or Tuesday.

If he's going to be off now, then surely you can do what you wanted him to be off for - working/ family activities?

It sounds like you'd barely see her, as she is a typical teenager in her room most of the time. When does she have time to pick on her siblings without her dad present?

our relationship has been tense lately

I can imagine

What’s he been like previous years?

He’s a farmer?

SC won’t come out with us as it’s not what she wants to do. They obviously want to interact with her so I’ll say she needs to come downstairs ect or they knock on her door & she’s just incredibly unkind to them.

Op for years you have been complaining about your husband and unhappy marriage. Years. Another thread is not going to achieve anything.

So he taking time of to look after a child? How is that for the ex wouldn't it be for the child?

I understand where you're coming from but think you are being slightly unreasonable. The situations aren't equal. Your husband is making himself available for a child who otherwise has noone willing to care for her and risks feeling shit and unloved. Your DC have a loving parent available to care for them. It would be great, for them and for you, if he took time off, but the situations aren't equivalent

thank you for your support, I think sometimes when it’s been tense for sometime it can be hard to judge if your being unreasonable over a certain situation.

So she is being rude by reacting to you and the other children pestering her, not actually causing the problem?

Why do you insist she needs to come downstairs to entertain her younger siblings?

I understand things are difficult for you, but you seem to be apportioning blame on the wrong person. She's a typical teenager, wait until yours are older...

Years Op. years.

I think it’s time to stop thinking starting threads is action and going to change anything

If she's in her room all day what actual childcare does she need or want.

I’d he annoyed as well.

obviously if he’s looking after sc, he’s able to look after all the children , thus leaving you in peace to work, go to the gym , etc

Tell them to leave her alone then.

If she’s no trouble being in her room all day then leave her to it.

If her dad has a problem with her stuck in all day then he can deal with it.

He should WANT to take time off to have days out with your kids but I think you are focusing too much on your DCs vs SDD, which isn’t really the issue here.

SDC doesn’t really come into it because even if she didn’t come over, he still wouldn’t take time off work for your DCs.

Your husband sound like shit but I can also see why his older DD wouldn't be exactly thrilled by being forced to play with her much younger half-siblings. Her dad starting another family probably wasn't at the top of her wish list, she only sees her dad 2 weekends a month, her new half-siblings see him every day. You can't force relationships, at least not healthy ones, so just leave her alone when she is staying at her dad's.

Your heading is a bit weird too, your husband isn't doing this for his ex, he is doing this for his DD. He normally barely spends any time with her so this should be encouraged.

maybe her mom should of thought about before having an affair. We used to do 50/50 before ex moved. We’ve also always done 50% in the holidays. She doesn’t have to engage but at least not shout & swear at them would be a start. SD has said she’d rather go back at normal time ( Sunday evening)

LTB. Then you’ll know you can’t rely on him, you won’t feel let down, you won’t have to see his older child again and you can forget about his ex.

Unsure what LTB means? If it means to leave it’s very difficult when you have young children & your whole lives & business are intertwined but I think in the long run it is inevitable.

Sounds pretty contradictory to me.

How are you providing “childcare” for a teenager, who is quite content staying in her room, until she’s summoned downstairs by you to “interact” with her half siblings?

She’s not obligated to entertain them, it’s supposed to be her home too.

As PP said above, you and your kids see DH every single day. SD’s time with him (or at least time spent in that family home) is rationed out. TBH it’s the least her dad can do for her.

You also really need to stop framing him choosing to spend time with his daughter as him doing a favour for his ex. What a bizarre, convoluted way of thinking.

I don’t understand how this is relevant.

You seem to care more about DH looking after his eldest DD - and therefore ‘helping out the ex’, rather than him looking after his youngest DC.

If it was me, the DSC wouldn’t even come into why I was annoyed.

The fact is that your shared DCs have had 6 weeks off and DH won’t take 1 day off to come on a family day out or so you can have a break or focus on your own career.

You need to get a job separate from your DH.
Then he’s going to have to take time off when you’re at work.
It will also make it easier to separate.