To be upset DH will take time off for ex & not us.

[Farmwifefarmlife]

DH has a SC from a previous relationship a teenager. All summer hols I’ve done the childcare for our 3 young DC & juggled work ect I’ve asked him a couple of times to have the odd day off to come out with us or to have a couple of days off so I can work, all have been met with a no he can’t afford to. He’s Self Employed, our weekend to have SC & she’s announced her moms said she needs to stay till Tuesday. This is a regular occurrence with her not pre asking if we can do extra childcare ect I’ve said no sorry I can’t be the free childcare this time ( first time I’ve ever said no!) & suddenly DH can have two days off too look after her!

I'm feeling pretty upset over it all , our relationship has been tense lately and I feel very much bottom of DH list & this has just topped it off to be honest. But I’m unsure if IABU?

He wouldn’t take time off hence why I have the job that I have. It’s not a one of occurrence and his ex isn’t working as she has a job where BH would be a non working day so I do feel it’s for his ex rather than SC I think it’s also unreasonable she just expects it with no prior asking knowing we both work. Our children go back to school/ childcare Tuesday & DH expected me to look after a stroppy teenager all day.

"She doesn’t have to engage but at least not shout & swear at them would be a start. " She is only shouting at them because they are pestering and annoying her, surely you can see that?

I don't condone the swearing, but how is it her fault rather than the adults for not stopping the children?

If you stop trying to force the sibling relationship, hopefully she will start to enjoy their company more.

Have you considered asking if she would babysit, paid, so that you both can work and she spend time with the younger ones? Is she responsible enough that an incentive could kill 2 birds with one stone? (I don't know the ages of the children, but as they are school aged it's not likely to be inappropriate.)

Then why are you with him?

Your own DH won’t look after his own kids so his wife can work?
You think that’s normal?

You cannot get a different job because your DH and kids dad cannot be bothered to watch his own kids.

Forget out DSD and her mum and focus on your ‘D’H who is a shit dad, shit husband and I’d say controlling and financially abusive if you’re not allowed to work in any other job.

YABU - he is taking time off for his child not his Ex. You have asked him to take time off when there is childcare available, he is taking time off for his daughter when there isn’t

They don’t pester her they’ll go and ask her once to play with them. After dinner we play a board game she won’t join in or interact at all with family life. She refuses to eat with us if DH isn’t around instead she’ll come down after & turn the kitchen into a bomsite & refuse to clean up after herself. I’ve tried everything I honestly have. Tried taking her & oldest daughter shopping doing girly things I really have. I’ve just given up now

He wouldn’t take time off so I could work when childminder was unwell. Ex also isn’t working BH.

You don’t like your SD do you?

I don’t like her behaviour as a teenager no, she used to be lovely but the attitude change of late isn’t pleasant to be around.

I think you see her as an extension of the ex, who you do despise

It sounds like there’s quite an age gap even between her and your oldest, so shopping wouldn’t be much fun whether you call it a girly day or not.

It’s the age gap. You’re trying to force her to interact ‘as a family’ but the reality is that this will always be things that are aimed at the younger children because you can age down but you can’t age up in terms of age appropriate activities. So it’s no wonder she’s not really interested.

You didn't respond to the babysitting idea. Is it out of the question?

The other stuff sounds quite typical. Your perception sounds skewed, it can't have been once that they've knocked, you probably aren't aware of what led to her frustration boiling over.

What about all the times you've instructed/ requested her to come downstairs and interact with them against her wishes?

Cleaning up after herself should be your/ her father's focus, as that is not unreasonable.

On the days he's home if go out without the DC leaving him looking after all of his DC. He should prioritise having some fun time with all his DC and you. I'd be livid if my DH never wanted to go out with me.

I Have had no issue with the ex for the last 10 years apart from this year where there is no communication about us having SD extra time & when we both work it’s difficult.

DH doesn’t have a SD, he has a daughter. You have a SD who you don’t sound to like much. This sounds like a one off situation and maybe he’s hoping some 1:1 time might help with eg her attitude, making her feel more part of the family etc?

I don't think that I'd be the nicest company if I had to go to somebody who dislikes me, has annoying little children, won't let me hide in my room when I know I'm not welcome and where their relationship is in terminal decline, really.

You're not refusing to provide 'free childcare' if she stays in her room and won't eat with you, you're saying you don't like her and don't want her around.

I think you need to re read what you have written here and think about the wider context and implications of what you are saying.

This is not him doing a favour for the ex and its not SDs fault that he's not interested in you or your DC. You are focusing on the wrong thing. DH is spending one extra day with his older daughter, that he doesn't see as often. His lack of interest in you and your DC is a problem but don't take it out on the ex or her daughter.

That’s the vast majority of teens. I want to make my 18 year old sleep outside some days…the rest of the time he is one of the very best people I know.

@FarmwifefarmlifeCan you clarify if this is your dh’s step daughter or his actual daughter. Your OP stated “his SC.”

I just think you are focussing on the wrong thing. He might be a waste of time, I have no idea, but this isn’t a problem with ex or step daughter, and it feels like that’s where your stall has been set

I'm confused. You say he won't be doing anything with her, but also say he's taken 2 days off for her?

You also say you have to "look after" her, but apart from expecting her to interact with your children, what are you doing for her that you consider "childcare"? She doesn't even eat with you unless her dad is there, so you won't be providing "childcare" on those occasions either?

What led to you refusing to provide "free childcare" for her, when there doesn't seem to be any involved, especially now you've given up?

I think you are displacing your anger on her rather than facing the real issue, which is your husband.

I wish you well, just feel really bad for the 3 children stuck in the middle.

She wouldn’t do babysitting. DH just lets her do / get away with anything.

for everyone saying I hate her that simply isn’t true I’ve been in her life for 10 years & since she was very young . I’ve done everything for her, organised all birthday/ Christmas gifts, thrown birthday parties taken her out before our DC came along hundreds of times without DH & I’ve also provided childcare for exs other children ( not related to DH) so I think I’ve been really reasonable over the years. I don’t hate her but I do dislike her attitude now there is a fair difference.

Have you asked her with a real offer of money?

All of this is fair enough, BUT how can you then be upset that he's had to take a couple of days off?

He has no choice in the matter from the sound of it.

Just like if he suddenly came down with the flu he'd have no choice either.

It’s sounds like you and your husband don’t particularly like each other and your step daughter, your husbands daughter not step daughter is the scape goat.