I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

I voted YABU, then read the thread and changed to YANBU.

The misandric spite is really unhelpful. Shame on some PPs.

A transparent understanding of who we are in relation to the people closest to us - such as wife and best friend - is important. Learning something so unexpected at this stage undermines the foundations of that stability. It's not quite on the same scale as, say, finding out that one of your parents was secretly gay, but it does have a similar effect of making you review everything in a new light.

And yes, the question of why he told you now... Was he drunk?! What was the conversation about that led up to his revelation?

After he dumped her. For all she knew it was done for good. If she’d done it after 20 year of marriage it’s different but she was 18. If she’d dumped him and then done it then that would be fucked up but he did the dumping.

Can you fuck off with the cool wives bullshit, please and thank you.

Something clearly has happened between wife and best friend to trigger him this revelation.

What a uneducated thing to assume..

Don't make any rash decisions, you need time to process this. Couples' therapy is probably the only way to move forward.

Idk why everyones suddenly assuming 18 year olds don't break up over stupid shit. It's real crappy to be judging someone for something that happened 20 years ago.

I know i dumped a teenage boyfriend because he didn't like pool, and my dad always played pool and i thought it must be a super cool thing. Was I wrong? Yes. Was I 17 and not an adult? Also yes.

I find this bizarre. You feel a lot of anguish at being kept out the loop but don't seem even slightly invested in the other party knowing?
I suspect if you found out she also knew, you'd feel even more betrayed. It's strange to me you didn't even ask?!

I get the hurt and anger, OP, but I think I would hold fire. Why is your ex-best friend telling you this now? After all these years when your wife likely thought it was all forgotten about. There must be some reason because 'couldn't live with the guilt' is an obvious lie - he's lived with it for 26 years, so he obviously either hasn't felt guilty or has managed to get over it!

The ball is in your court now, OP. Do you want to save your marriage? If so, you'll have to talk to your wife, maybe try counselling together. I think it's fair enough to dump your friend tbh. Not only has he lied to you all these years but now he's gone and thrown a massive bomb into your relationship. Why on earth would he tell you now? He could have told you at the time, or even when you got back with your now-wife, or before the wedding. Why wait all these years?

100% agree. Your wife appears toxic.

I think you demand your wife cuts ties with him. She won't agree, then you'll know (with some certainty) what really been happening all these years, and where her priorities lie.

I suspect something happened recently between them to trigger this confession.

He is saying he doesn't know if she aware? Why are you trying to give him a hard time, he's only just found out himself

@jhkyg I can completely understand why this has knocked you sideways. It’s not the fact they slept together, you were broken up, you were both 18, and she was single, it’s the context and the longevity of the secret that’s hit you. But it’s really important to separate two things:

1. There was no cheating. You weren’t together. She didn’t betray your relationship, in fact in some respects, you did by dumping her prior to this. She didn’t choose him over you. She lived her life for a few months during a breakup you initiated, made an independent decision that he wasn't for her as a lover, she wanted something "more" and then you got back together and built decades of a solid marriage. That "more" is you - and from your own description of your marriage - she was right.
2. What’s hurting you now is the secrecy, not the act itself. It’s understandable that you feel blindsided. When it involves your best friend, it feels personal in a way it wouldn’t if it were a random person. You’re not wrong to feel unsettled, most people would. But the secrecy wasn’t malicious. It was two teenagers making a choice they thought would protect the future relationship. They didn’t know you’d still all be intertwined 26 years later. They didn’t know it would matter. And once the years rolled on, it probably felt harder and harder to bring up. Your wife hasn’t lied to you for 26 years about your marriage. She’s kept quiet about something that happened before your marriage because she thought it would hurt you. That’s not the same as deception inside the relationship.
3. Your reaction is about shock, not betrayal. Your brain is trying to rewrite 26 years of memories with this new information, and that’s why everything suddenly feels tainted. But nothing about your marriage has actually changed. Nothing about your wife’s behaviour has changed. Nothing about your friend’s behaviour has changed. The only thing that’s changed is your knowledge. Give yourself time to let the shock settle before making any big decisions about friendships or family dynamics.
4. You don’t need to cut anyone off. You need space and honesty. It’s perfectly reasonable to take a step back from your friend for now. It’s also reasonable to tell your wife you need time to process. But blowing up two families’ relationships over something that happened when you were teenagers and didn’t involve cheating, would be disproportionate.

You’re not stupid, you’re not naïve, and you’re not wrong to feel hurt. But you’re also not dealing with a betrayal of your marriage. You’re dealing with a very old secret that has landed badly. A secret that no-one was forced to share with you, out of honesty he decided to tell you in the probably misguided belief that he knew your marriage was strong enough to take it as the reality is that the experience between them, validated that she saw her future somewhere other than him and eventually that was back with you.

Once the shock wears off, and that shock is quite understandable, you may find that the foundations of your marriage with decades of loyalty, love, and stability, matter far more than something that happened at 18. remember they both independently realised they weren't right together and moved on and she then reconnected with you and she chose you. She have proved her love many times over in your marriage and is she could forgive your stupidity of youth when you dumped her, you need to understand this, she wasn't disloyal in any way shape or form but I appreciate the unexpected historical intimacy between them is unsettling - but again she chose you!

How does his wife appear toxic?

At 13 maybe but not at 18. Think of all the adult things you can do at 18.

If we are going to afford him the kindness that he was "only" 18 and therefore entitled to do something silly like dump someone over a football match, then surely we should be offering the same forgiveness to the other two teenagers?!

Of course you can be friends, but most normal person in a new relationship keep some distance from people who have plowed them from behind..

I'm demonstrating why people keep secrets. He's now keeping a secret isn't he? From this other man's wife.

It’s a shock to find out now, but you admitted yourself you dumped her and broke her heart when you were 18. What she then did after you broke her heart is none of your business and I’m sure she needed all the support she could get at the time. As you said you were an idiot teen at the time and no doubt so where they and they realised it was too messy and they weren’t right for each other very quickly. Have some compassion for the girl you hurt and for the fact they didn’t tell you to protect your feelings. Your mate is an idiot for telling you now!

Just cut out friend totally from your life. If your wife can't do this too, then your marriage is over. Man up!

Not when they were friends for 10+ years before that.

I think you are right to feel the way you do. The time to tell you was directly after you proposed so you had all the facts.

If you can't stomach being around them then so be it. I think I would feel the same and if it looks like an overreaction to some then too bad.

Like you say, if neither of you had seen him in decades it would be something but he is in the fold as it were. Bleurgghh. Nasty.

Look you are not going to get an especially fair hearing here because as I’m sure you are aware there are a wider cultural conversations over body count disclosures what people do and don’t have a right to know which is kind of separate to the issue on the docket, but nevertheless it evokes a lot of strong opinions.

Forgetting that for just a moment, I’m trying to give you a bit of a balanced view of everything. I can 100% understand why you feel the way that you do aside from the fact of you breaking up with her over the football staff being a particularly daft teenage thing to have done there are so many different elements to this that leave you doubting now it may well be that this relationship between your wife and your best friend may have literally been the only black Mark on otherwise beautiful marriage and great friendship.

First and foremost I would recommend not making any hasty decisions right away you are allowed to feel what you feel. You don’t need justification for that you can feel wrong footed that your friend was sleeping with your ex-girlfriend whilst you were opening up to him about how much you loved her and you wished you had not broken up that feels like a bit of a weird one for all concerned. However neither I not anyone else can give you the inside track to your wife and best friends interior world they met otherwise I’ve been fantastic people and when your friend was comforting you then X it became a couple of months fling that didn’t really matter much to either of them in the grand scheme of things.

I have one or two women that I’ve had sexual relationships with of which there isn’t any question of any lingering feelings or what ifs, we’ve pivoted into being good genuine friends and that may indeed be what’s happened here. But who knows? Maybe your friend is a bit of a tow rag and Maybe his own marriage is in trouble and he kind of wants to drop a bomb on yours so that the pair of you were going through an experience simultaneously Maybe your wife is pretty terrible and your friend is Priti blameless I honestly don’t know. I don’t know the people.

The only locus of control you have now is that which you exercise over yourself? There are no right answers. There’s no particular way you have to feel how not to feel but you have a tremendous amount of wriggle room in how you operate now. First off your biggest emotional issue here is feeling a sense of being betrayed and I think you’ve articulated reasonably well why you feel that way and I don’t think people trying to minimise that whether that people on this thread or indeed your wife or friend can just wave that away with a magic wand what I would recommend that you do is source a good counsellor have a few sessions on work through what the emotions mean for you before you decide to do anything else.

You have painted a picture of two individuals that are incredibly important to you and yes this whole experience may well have put a question mark over a great many things however we’re all human nobody is perfect. Eventually, however, you’re going to have to ask yourself this question. Ask Sam or all of these relationships salvageable? And it doesn’t have to be uniform maybe you want to stay friends with your best friend, but you want to leave your wife. Maybe you want to stay with your wife but keep your best friend a distance if not ejected from your life entirely maybe you want to keep both of them close Maybe you want a depth charge the whole thing and walk away but I wouldn’t make any of those decisions in haste for right now I think your first Porter call is be a little bit kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel what you feel.

You’ve come to this thread looking for validation but validation isn’t actually going to shortcut you through processing these complex feelings. For my part for what it’s worth I would probably feel much the same way as you did not because I’m particularly bothered with how many people my wife has slept with or not but like I say, a rather significant piece of our collective shared history, has been withheld. Of course you fear in the week of this the other things have been withheld as well but that doesn’t necessarily logically follow. I think as with regards to your wife, she’s pretty blameless and most of this. Yes, you could argue she had a duty to disclose, especially when you selected your best friend to be best man and godfather and things like that because I think were the situations reversed. Deeply uncomfortable if say one of your prior sexual partners was in the crosshairs for godmother. I think that would be the case for most people but a case can be made that what she did in those months wasn’t really your business you made the decision to break up with her ill advisedly as it turns out and if you think about it that action was the origin point of all of this drama now I don’t think you should forget that as you make your analysis.

So to summarise, it’s not unreasonable for you to feel betrayed, but it’s not necessarily morally obvious that you have been. At least as far as your wife is concerned. I think your best friend however probably did have a bit of a duty to disclose to you especially whilst you were coming to him for emotional support in the week of the breakup to perhaps say wow look she and I have sort of hooked up a few times. Or at least I asked you like I’m not one of those people that feels that grown adults have to necessarily entirely write off a friend ex partner or someone you might end up dating, but I do believe however if you do, it requires a bit of a respectful heads up which he obviously didn’t do. And also it’s probably not something I would do to a friend’s ex when he was still hung up on her but even then there’s a case to be made that if she’s the one you possibly shouldn’t have bloody broken up with her in the first place.

So if you’ve managed to read all of that well done, but if you take anything away from this go get some therapy work through it maybe even some couples counselling but if you have otherwise Priti great life I’d think long and hard before pressing the self-destruct button on all of it

Agree. Either confess before the wedding or take it to the grave.

@jhkygdid your friend’s wife know about it?

You need to get a grip. Seriously, life must be good for this to be such a huge dramatic event.

I suspect the friends wife has found out somehow and threatened to tell so he's been forced to confess now.