I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

You were 18 years Old and not together!
It's not a big deal...let it go.

I'd be gutted and feel very stupid if my best friend disclosed this to me. I have no idea what to suggest because I honestly don't know what i would do.
Gonna hazard a guess that because you are a man, loads of posters have told you to get a grip. There is not one poster on here who would react differently to you, no matter what bullshit they spout at you.
It is a normal response to feel how you feel.

Some of the responses here are shocking.
You are not wrong to be upset at the secret being kept. It was your best friend, not a loose acquaintance or friend.
As others have said, I would be wondering why now after 26 years. I would absolutely be talking to his wife about this as something clearly has changed for him to need to get this off his chest now.
Does it mean the end of your marriage? I wouldn't make any decisions on that right now. Once the hurt settles, have a proper conversation with her. If you believe that nothing happened after you got back together, is it worth upending the life you have together because of a decision made by 18 year olds to keep a short lived fling a secret?

It's reasonable to be upset. It's reasonable to not want to speak to either of them for a while - could be weeks, months, years, indefinitely.

However I would focus more on how you want to practically move forward with your family. If your children are young you need to work out that dynamic with your wife sooner. If they are older teenagers you could easily move out for a while and be more honest with them about the situation.

You dumped her because your team lost. Blimey. They knew you couldn't have handled something bigger.

YANBU to feel the way you do.

I can't imagine finding out my partner and my best friend slept together and then never told me. I'd be furious and it would absolutely change things for me and her. My best friend is very very beautiful and honest and lovely and it would truly hurt in ways I could not put into words to learn that she has lied to me for years.

Partner too, it's not like it's a new relationship or 'sorry I didn't tell you 6 months ago when you started dating' it's an entire life time.

I think anyone who is saying you are wrong is weird af because I'd be hurt, I would be angry and idk what I'd react like long term either. It's not the fact of them having a relationship, it's the hiding of it.

You are allowed to feel how you feel. Don't let a bunch of random people online who say they feel sorry for the wife (i mean why?!) make you think you are not allowed your own feelings on your own situation.

She’s lied for years. He’s lied for years. That’s how he sees it anyway or he wouldn’t have brought it up. If it was nothing why was it never or ever mentioned. I could see her point if it was a random but it wasn’t. There would be nothing wrong with it if she’d told you but she didn’t. she wanted to maintain the privileged position that you broke her heart without the smudge that the relationship with your best friend created. I doubt it meant anything but what that lie represents with her character and you is down to you to decide.

Do you call it 'babysitting'?

@Scarfitwere

'I think OP is being petulant and showing the fragile male ego here. It was a long time ago, time to grow up and get over it.'

I agree.

It IS a shock. I can understand you're feeling how you do. Through not being told about their relationship, you weren't given the opportunity to decide if you wanted a future with her or not.

I'd be wondering why he's told you now, at this stage of your lives. Maybe your wife has upset him somehow?

I think all you can do is live with your feelings for a while and see where it takes you, or separate, if you definitely cannot see a way through.

How would you feel if you found out that your partner fancied your neighbour and had erotic fantasies about them for years? How much policing of your partner is actually sane and reasonable? Let alone realistic.

It didn't happen a long time ago, they were both lying by omission right up until yesterday.

did you ask your friend why he was telling you now
did you ask if he has told his wife or if she knew already

If this wasn't a really big deal, then the friend would not have felt the need to get it off his chest.

The man hating on this thread is breaking all records today!

I would imagine your now wife was so happy to get back together with you after you 'broke her heart' that she wouldn't want to risk it all by saying she had had a fling with your friend. And then as time goes by it just becomes impossible to mention and then becomes totally unimportant as years go by and you are happily married.

But I would be very suspicious of your friend. What was his purpose in telling you now? Trying to stir the pot? Is he unhappy in his marriage? Decided he still fancies your wife or jealous of your marriage so is trying to break it up? This was a deliberate act not a sudden rush of guilt for something that is now pretty much buried in the mists of time.

If they had told you all those years ago, would you have got back together?
Would you have dropped him as a friend?
Would you have still got married and had kids?
Are you prepared to blow your whole life apart for something that happened 20 years ago and means nothing to the friend and DW? You've said you don't want to tell his wife but she would fine out too

I think you need to speak to someone to process your thoughts. You are clearly distressed and probably thinking things are a lot worse than they are in reality but that doesn't mean you don't feel betrayed.

I had a few brief regular FWB situations before I settled with DH. He will know of some, is still friends with some. We don't discuss our pasts. It really doesn't matter.

He choose me. I choose him.

Same for you and your DW.

You need to address the hurt and move past this however you can.

There's something funny and telling in this.

Your wife goes away for presumably a few days and you can't work things out, even for a few days. As you can't ask her, you have to ask other women.

Sad to think that men never ask other men.

Totally agree with this !

He chose to tell you this.
His wife finding out is really not your responsibility.
You have your own feelings to manage.

She is going to know that something is seriously wrong soon enough and you would be silly to be bending yourself out of shape to cover for him in this matter.
He really doesn't deserve it, in the circumstances.

Your wife's attitude is appalling ("it's my body"). Admittedly, it was decades ago, but did she need to hook up with your so called best friend?! She lied..simple.

There's a reason he told you about this 26 year are later..could something have happened between them recently?

I would cool your relationship with your friend, keep him at arms length, and make it clear to your wife that her friendship with him is over. I doubt that she'll accept that, but that'll again highlight her priorities..then you have to make a hard choice.

Really sorry you have these deceitful people..

That’s awful. I opened the thread assuming that it happened before you met your wife. I’d be horrified and questioning whether I could get passed the lie. I don’t think I could.

Yanbu to be shocked and upset. They have deliberately kept this from you for all this time and that must be very hurtful. As to the relationship itself they didn't do anything wrong. Your wife was a broken hearted teenager who had a brief relationship with her best friend, her best friend, it had nothing to do with you. I would assume that they didn't tell you about it because they didn't want to upset you, or jeopardise your relationship with them. They did what they thought was best, and it worked out, you have a great marriage, and a wonderful friendship. I think its weird he told you at this stage, it would have been better to keep it were it belonged, in the past. Imo you would be crazy to let this damage what you have, but you can't help how you feel i guess.

The whole thing is a proper mess and pretty grim really.
Trouble is the longer something is hidden, the harder it is bringing it into the light. It becomes impossible. Id like to know your ex friends motive for bringing this up after all this time. He owes you that at least.
Its such a selfish thing to do.

You're talking absolute nonsense. Of course he has a right to be annoyed at his wife..out of all the people on the planet, she chose to hook up with his best friend!

I'm glad I'm not the only one picking up on this.
"I have to look after all 3 kids" 😂
They're all 8+. I'm not sure how much looking after is involved? Dinners and laundry at best.

Something really sad about the fact the only time he needs advice is when the wee wife's away. Sounds awfully like she does all the parenting normally.

I desperately want her perspective 😂