I found out my wife and my best friend had a physical relationship before we got married, I don't know how to react

[jhkyg]

I genuinely don't know what to write or how I'm supposed to react to this.

My wife and I are both in our mid 40s. My best friend is also the same age. He has been my best friend since childhood. He's the godfather to our children, and my wife and I are godparents to his children.

For a bit more context, my wife and he are also very close friends. They actually knew each other before I knew either of them, and they've always had a very good friendship

Our families are extremely close. We normally see each other every week for breakfast or a BBQ in one of our gardens. We go on family trips together, celebrate birthdays and holidays together, and our children are all teenagers and are basically like cousins.

My wife and I have a genuinely good marriage. We've been together for decades, we love each other, we're financially comfortable, and as far as I knew there was absolutely nothing wrong between us.

Then on Friday night, my best friend told me he needed to confess something that had happened a very long time ago.

He told me that when we were 18, during a six month breakup between me and my now wife, he and my wife had a sexual relationship for around 2–3 months.

I honestly felt physically sick when he told me.

I didn't know how to react. I cried. He just stood there and kept telling me that it ended years ago, that nothing had happened since, and that I shouldn't be angry with my wife because we weren't together at the time.

I got angry with him and told him I didn't want him to contact me again. Then I went home.

For context, yes, I broke up with my wife when we were 18. I was an idiot teenager and I broke her heart. That's on me. We were apart for about six months, then eventually got back together. We've been solid ever since.

In all those years, I've never had a reason to believe she was cheating on me. Not once.

Yesterday, I told my wife what he'd confessed. At first she said she had kept it from me because she didn't want to lose me. She apologised for hiding it.

She confirmed that they had been together for around three months while we were broken up. She said they eventually stopped because they realised remaining friends was better for them, and then around three months later, she and I got back together.

But then she also told me that technically it was none of my business who she slept with while we were broken up. It was her body and she was single. If this had been some random person she slept with during those six months, I probably wouldn't care now.

But it wasn't some random person. It was my best friend. The man who stood beside me as my best man at our wedding. I've trusted for most of my life. I've allowed into my home every week. That man who is godfather to my children.

And they've both known about this for 26 years while I had absolutely no idea. That's the part I can't get past. I keep thinking about every BBQ, every family holiday, every time the four of us have sat together talking, and wondering whether they were both looking at each other and remembering something I didn't know. My wife keeps saying that nothing happened during our relationship and that she has loved me all these years. And honestly, I believe her But something has changed in my head. I can't look at my friend the same way anymore. I can't even look at their friendship the same way.

Part of me wants to completely cut him and his family out of our lives. No more breakfasts, no more BBQs, no more holidays together. I don't want my children caught in the middle, but at the same time I don't know how I'm supposed to carry on having him around as if nothing happened.

And then there's my wife. I know technically she didn't cheat on me. We were broken up.
But she deliberately kept this from me for 26 years, and so did he. I'm struggling with the fact that two of the people I trusted most in the world knew something incredibly significant about my own life that I didn't know. I don't know whether I'm overreacting because it happened so long ago, or whether the fact that it was my best friend and was deliberately kept secret makes this completely different.

But right now I feel hurt, betrayed, embarrassed and honestly a bit stupid and Jealousy so much

God the double standards on MN are unreal! If this were the husband confessing, there would be outrage

Speculation at it's best!

How do we know the OP isn't reacting like this because he has been longing to shag the friend's wife all this time? Or has been? Or has been having an affair with his MIL?

Or we could just stick to the facts. It was 26 years ago, she was single.

They clearly both love you very much for protecting your feelings over a teenage fling. And really nobody knew decades on you'd be married with kids and making memories for a lifetime with the other family. Some of our closest couple friends I have met through DH, and he's known them since teens. I wouldn't be in the slightest bit bothered of a few adolescent fumbles. It means nothing or they'd have stayed together.

I note they knew each other before you, and I wonder if they'd both wondered about each other as teenagers, as often so many do. They gave it a go, it didn't work. You've now had entire adult lives in proper adult relationships.

Where does his wife fit into all of this? Presumably she'd also be blindsided?

I'm mostly curious as to why he's revealing now? Surely before your wedding day would be when revelations take place, and after that it would be a secret to the grave.

Is he unhappy in his own marriage?

I think OP is being petulant and showing the fragile male ego here. It was a long time ago, time to grow up and get over it.

I agree with this.

Please ask yourself, when would have been a good time to tell you, honestly? A time when you would have reacted well and you'd still have gone on to have the happy relationship you have had?

Only your wife can comment on what I'm going to say next, but it could be that the brief relationship with her friend is what allowed her to get back with you and build a life with you. YOU broke HER heart - she levelled the playing field. Even if you didn't know about it, she did, and it might have been what her confidence and self respect needed to be able to give you another chance after humiliating her (there's often a touch of humiliation in a dumping). Just a theory.

Also, you describe him as your best friend, but if he was her friend before yours, and their friendship predates your relationship with either of them, I can easily see how they made that judgment call at the time. And then things changed.

Yes, feel your feelings, but don't forget to use your brain in the process. Sometimes a lie by omission can just get out of hand - they weren't two very young people imagining your lives decades from then.

Oh the men haters are out in full force today.

Even asking how the OP found out about Mumsnet as though is some secret corner of the internet for women only 🤣 just about anything baby/child related you search on Google brings up Mumsnet threads.

It's quite interesting how many men are coming on to talk about misandry and double standards because the majority don't think women should have to tell their DH about who they slept with before they were in a relationship.

@jhkyg I am a couples and relationship therapist and I would strongly recommend that you seek some profession support for this. I am horrified and appalled at the lack of compassion and understanding being shown on here by many posters for the situation you have found yourself in and for your clear anguish at the level of betrayal you are feeling. It IS a betrayal, by two people you have trusted, and while it is easy to understand why your then girlfriend didn't disclose it at the time you were getting back together, it should have been shared with you a long time ago. They are both very in the wrong for hiding this from you, but both relationships can potentially recover from this if it is handled in the right way and you are able to rebuild trust. So get yourself some professional support to help you work through your feelings about this and figure out how to navigate the fracture.

You are welcome to message me directly if you have any questions about how to go about getting support.

Grow the fuck up OP. You’re acting like a stroppy teenager.

Leaving your wife, questioning if the kids are yours? Fucking hell.

This
I understand why you feel upset OP and even though you weren't together at the time, the fact that they kept this from you would make me feel very hurt too.
OP, please don't make any rash decisions.
You need to let them both know how you feel when the time is right..
Take care OP

Well for one thing, it wasn't cheating.
Grow up

To be fair it is for women only. It is called Mumsnet after all 😂

But the 'best friend' has made it an issue by telling him now.

It was years ago, it shouldn't be a big deal. I wonder why the pal is making it one?

Oh no thanks. You aren’t a definitely correct person because you’re a counsellor. Absolutely not. We aren’t naieve enough to believe there is only ine way to view this situation and that you hold that Ultimate Correct View. In fact you e just proved yourself as a very limited and egoistic, ignorant therapist.

It’s really not the same as someone they slept with before a relationship though, is it?

It was in a gap in their relationship, and someone that continues to be in their lives.

I think it’s a huge betrayal - it’s pulled the rug out from everything the OP knows to be real.

I’d bet my last dollar that the women on here wouldn’t take it in their stride if they found out that DHs had slept with THEIR best friend whilst on a break.

You mean your 26 years of a loving, happy, fulfilling marriage and family life would have been different?

This is either fake or you have the emotional maturity of a 13 year old boy watching red pill videos on the internet.

So you can see why she didn't tell him at the time when do you think she should have told him? Don't you think that would just have meant he would have dumped her sooner than now?

They weren't on a break. He had dumped her. They were done. Over something stupid btw. And they were completely broken up for at least 6 months.

What she did during that time was not of his business.

You were all 18 years old at the time! Its very much teenage drama and if youd known it would likely not be a big deal to you now. What is very odd is that he has felt the need to tell you and blow everything up now! Did he tell you why?

'I think it’s a huge betrayal - it’s pulled the rug out from everything the OP knows to be real'

Yes tbh I think I'd be more than a bit pissed off if my bff told me now that she'd shagged my dh for 3 mths 20 yrs ago whilst we were on a break/separated. It's something you share at the time or not at all

I totally get why he's upset. Honesty is obviously very important to him and this lie by omission has shaken the foundations his marriage was based on. He trusted her to be honest, found out she wasn't and now is wondering what else she hasn't been honest about.
He never said she cheated, it's the hiding of their relationship which is hurtful. How many of you would be happy with your partner continuing to have a close relationship with an ex?? I've read so many threads on here about similar situations and the common consensus is that there are three people in the relationship and to leave.
It must have been a horrible feeling to find out that his best friend and wife were sharing this secret behind his back. I'm not surprised that he's upset and is questioning everything.

I think you should get yourself to counselling to talk through it because you’re not fully rational. I can see this was a shock, and I see your friend, as an 18yo, betrayed you by supporting you in the break up you initiated as an idiotic 18 year old yourself, while he was sleeping with her. You were all 18, she categorically did not cheat on you, and I can see many reasons why she didn’t tell you and didn’t want to blow up your friendship. Ask yourself, you’re an 18yo, a 19yo, A 20yo, when feels like the right time to share this thing which would have been big for you? You dumped her for supporting her own team, how could she trust you with this? No secrets always has exceptions from the past, you need to talk it through with a counsellor. Don’t revert to your 18 year old stupid self who ended your real relationship over something trivial. You were lucky she took you back, and now it sounds like youre going to say unforgivable things to the woman who has been faithful to you and committed her whole adult life to you and had your children. I would put a large sum of money that if you go and say these stupid 18 year old things Iike how do I know they are my kids, you won’t get a second chance this time. She’s a grown woman now and won’t be stupid enough to try this again. Do not fuck your life up op.

Obviously it’s a huge shock and I get you feeling betrayed. But it was 26 years ago in that time you and your wife married, created a family and built a life together. That’s way more important than a fling nearly 30 years ago when you were split up. At the time your wife didn’t know you would want to get back together. She didn’t owe you anything. Yes your friend behaved badly but you were all just kids.
You’re entitled to feel how you want but they don’t really owe you anything. Maybe an apology for managing it poorly. You need to find a way to manage your feelings and move on.

It wasn't just a break. He had dumped her for a ridiculous reason presumably to sow his oats elsewhere. She didn't know they would get back together. The friend should have told him but why should the wife have risked him throwing another hissy fit and dumping her again?

If you think a woman is going to blow up her marriage due to a 3 month relationship he had when he was 18 and single then you're sadly mistaken.

It sounds like you want to dine out on this discovery for years.