It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

[IllBiteYourLegsOff]

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

The responses would be different if she was a fifteen year old boy.

She clearly doesn't give a toss as she's out partying with the same friends and has been allowed to do so.

She'd get nothing for a very long time if it was me. Should get all of her devices taken away and should only get new clothes for school for at least a year.

For all of those that think that's too harsh she didn't have a problem with her mother or her brother's property being damaged or stolen let's see how she copes with having her belongings taken away and nothing new to replace them.⁸

In all honesty, we get tired of this. Parents who challenge our behaviour policies, say we're too strict, complain about detentions and then expect us to follow up about these house parties. It's not uncommon. There seems to be little reflection about how and why it's happened. School needs to help sort it! They demand.

It'll have gone out on sm

I would go with logical consequences, no keys or independent access to the house. Friends visiting can only happen if supervised. Use your local nextdoor neighbour app to advertise the items that are missing, invite the community to check with their young family members what they know about those who attended the property and who might have taken things were. Often those items may hbe been discarded so there is a chance people have found them but dont know who they belong to. Install camera security so that when you go away again you can have peace of mind that you will get notifications if anyone is at your property. I am so sorry you have expereinced this, you have every right to despise the behaviour which is different from how you might feel about your daughter. If she can learn that when you break someones trust you create a lasting scar.

I think I would be so angry I would send her to live with her dad. Tell her you don’t want her around!

Reading comprehension is not your strength, is it?

What you’re saying I’m suggesting is completely inaccurate.

And it’s not accurate for OP either, who is absolutely implementing consequences.

Your posts are batshit.

Terrible advice. She can absolutely show her DD how upset she is but sending her away, especially to a pretty lax father, isn’t the answer.

But she doesn’t have that at her dads house though, does she?

So consequences to get through at mums, just until she can get back to dads and start living normally. PHEW!

I sympathise fully with OP on that one as my ex husband was always the same way, so no consequences I put in place ever meant anything. “Fun dad” (aka, couldn’t be arsed and wanted to make my life harder), would swoop in at weekends and it was all fun and games again.

I doubt if any local employer would want her so her dad pays for the damage and fixing things and when she does get a job she can repay him. She needs to put a lot of effort into getting her brother's medals etc back . Have you told her she is a truly stupid girl. If not let her see the messages on here. When she reaches 18 and wants a party just one word is needed NO is all you need to say.

I’m not sure living with her dad is the best idea, I think she need to live in the house and see the damage/ how much time and effort it takes to put things right/ create a nice home.

I agree with getting her to help clean everything and pay for the damaged/ stolen items by getting a job. As well as remove the phones/ ground her- I’d also make sure she apologises to all of your immediate neighbours in person as it was probably a pretty horrific evening for them too. And I’d be making her show me every single message discussing the party, and then getting all of the messages off her friends about it too (via their parents to whom I would explain the whole sorry situation). Not to be vindictive but because you’d want them to avoid anything similar happening and it’s possible (albeit unlikely) that the police might need the messages.

Yep. I'd have her stay there for a bit

Dear oh dear.

Probably best not to make remarks about another poster's reading comprehension, until you have mastered the art of punctuation.

Oh and a couple of my neighbours have teens and they tell me when they’re away- and say broadly “I have not given any permissions for a party so if you hear anything at all, please do text/
phone me and if necessary call the police.” I know it’s a bit late now but it might be a good idea for the future.

I find it hard that some think punishment is unreasonable. Would you like the same to happen to your home. The girl needs a whole load of punishments. Her Dad needs to pay and fix things and she needs to deal with her brother's sports medals etc. This is where being too lenient has failed. Time for things to get tough for her. She has been a stupid teenager.

Good grief! That's absolutely shocking, isn't it?

Very upsetting, your personal space invaded like that.
She needs to clean up, it’s a week later and it’s still not done? I’d be asking ex to help as well, this was on his watch, he does bear some responsibility for this. Also ask him to contribute to the financial cost of repairing the damage. I’m amazed the both of them aren’t already on this.

I did this when I was a foolish, insecure, unhappy 15-year old. It wasn’t supposed to be a big party but I couldn’t stop the randoms who turned up and wrecked the place. My parents found out and my Mum hit me repeatedly, no phones then so I was grounded for many weeks, I had my books taken away as my mum said I wasn’t allowed anything I enjoy and I was dragged around to all my friends’ houses in some sort of shame parade.

I’ve never really got over it. Occasionally my old friends bring it up as they can see a funny side, but I’ve never been able to do that and I have a ball of anxiety about it, even 40 years later. So I feel for your daughter. She made a mistake, no doubt under some peer pressure. She’ll have got drunk to avoid facing how the situation got out of hand. Please be kind to her, and show some compassion. She knows what she’s done is wrong.

Laid-back dad needs to step the fuck up. She was supposed to be in his care, so he is partially responsible. What kind of idiot doesn’t check up on where his 15yo daughter is, knowing that her mother is away and the house is empty? I would argue that he should also be round at your house to see the damage himself, and he can get involved in supervising her cleaning up.

He should also be paying for some of the costs, and DD can pay him back. See how lenient and laid back he is when it costs him money.

The costs of this are long term. There needs to be a long term impact on your daughter in terms of making reparations.

I'm sorry to hear that you have a "ball of anxiety" about this 40 years on. It's really important to try to put this behind you - can you get a referral for counselling?

She and her friends will have taken photos at the party, so possible to ID from there? I would also have a big scout around the garden and along the street. Things like DS's medals may have been thrown into a bush.

I would total up the entire expense - all the losses, all the costs fixing it, including the hours you spend on it - and present DD with that total so that she knows the cost. I wouldn't harp on about it too much as she can't afford it so it will be pointless. But I think it's important that she properly sees what she did

So sorry, OP. Hope it's easier to clean up and fix than it seems.

I’m actually really glad I read this post now while my kids are in primary.

I’d be inclined to share a post on your local Facebook page to say what happened, and ask that you don’t expect parents to out their kids but that if they think they were involved and know anything about the missing items, they get them to do the right thing.

Whatever you do, do it fast. So it's immediate and not in a few weeks.

I think natural consequence are good. She pays and earns for the damage. Her trashed things are replaced last. She can't be trusted with her phone as it resulted in this. Someone has to phone the sleepover parent if she wants one for x .months as she can't be trusted. I'd ground her personally for months. This is a major fuck up. I feel if your going to be harsh it's best to do that immediately while they still feel guilty.

But mostly she needs to know you will not be soft and save her from every major fuck up she makes in life. Kind but firm I think. But I'd not be able to stop myself flipping my lid honestly. I think staying calm is better if you can but if you was me I'd remove her phone and ground for for a very long time. No parties ever again. How could you ever trust her to? Good luck and I'm really sorry. Good kids can be stupid. But she planned this with well thought out lie too ultimately. I don't think I'd be in risk to replace the damaged things either. So if you want to watch your tv, laptop though shit if it's broken you can't. But that's not fair on siblings

1000% (not a typo) you are not being unreasonable. This is an extremely serious situation with police involvement. I would be absolutely livid and this would be something with clear and multiple consequences for my child. The talks about why, safety etc would come, but later, once initial consequences and clean-ups done.

I would think:

1. Grounding from going out and socialising for two months (long but IMO definitely not too harsh. If she does things like sports or music, she can maybe restart those earlier, after a month). Try to get her dad on board but if not, it applies to when she is at yours.
2. No devices for a month.
3. She cleans up every single aspect of the house until it’s done and there is no sign of the party. This is what she does every day alongside schoolwork.
4. She has no money - so she ‘earns’ it from you with additional chores (separate to the cleaning) to provide some recompense for damage. You have no money to give her, but the point is she learns the value of her time and how it will be spent after something like this.
5. You do everything possible to find out every single attendee from her school and contact parents. Some parents won’t be interested, but most will absolutely want to know that their child attended an illegal party that was gatecrashed by presumably older (and potentially dangerous) people and involved the police.
6. Spread the word about stolen items, especially the medals. You may get them back if you’re lucky.

My parents would’ve (rightly) gone absolutely nuts about something like this.

I would be absolutely raging.

1. House key taken away.
2. Smart phone sold and replaced with a PAYG brick - texts and calls only.
3. DD to clean the entire house and make good as much of the damage as she can.
4. You and DD together to research the cost of repairing the damage she can’t make good and replacing all the stolen items. Present her with an itemised bill. Ask her to suggest how she intends to pay it (it doesn’t matter if you don’t actually intend to make her pay for it all - she needs to come up with and present you with a solution to the problem she has caused).
5. You and her father work out how long she is to be grounded for and both stick to it.
6. Ask her how she intends to make reparations to you and her brother for those items that can’t be replaced.