It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

[IllBiteYourLegsOff]

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

I’d make her actually clean it, not pay for someone else to do it! Even if it does come from her bank account. It’s too easy otherwise. She should have to hoover every last lentil, and scrape raw egg off a window. That should be a minimum.

I think your DD should send a message to her friends and ask them to forward to their friends too and ask that anything taken from the house be left in a box in some designated spot at some specific time/date - maybe outside your front gate. No questions asked, mum would just like the items returned and maybe anyone who was at the party might consider leaving a £5 or £10 in the box to cover cleaning costs.

So sorry for you. That is awful and so violating. She needs consequences. If there is no pocket money, does she have any source of income at 15? Can she pay you back £5 a week or £20 a month for a year? I would be taking her phone for a week, making her clean the house once a week at the weekend for the foreseeable, and forbidding seeing friends after 5pm for a month. She would have to earn back the trust.

It’s awful your mum hit you and tried to humiliate you. However, there still needs to be a punishment here.

Your DD also needs to clean the house until it is back to a standard you are happy with. No helping her, it is down to her. She was a total brat having a party while you were away and your `ex husband should bear some responsibility too as she was in his care.

Mine did this and I contacted all the parents I knew and told them what had happened. Some were shocked, others didn't want to accept that their DCs were part of it. DH and I did consequences and kept together on them.

I would love to understand why 3% think YABU..Does anyone understand that ? Haven't read the whole thread though..

What have the police said?

Where were you when this happened?

Could yiu try getting DS medals back through Facebook???

Obviously the hitting was very wrong but your mum was right to punish you in some form. The OP’s DD needs consequences and to realise what she did was very wrong. Obviously, she didn’t intend for the party to get out of hand but if she hadn’t organised the party it wouldn’t have happened, It appears the house was trashed, jewellery stolen, her brother’s medal collection stolen. Hundreds, probably a few thousand pounds of damage done.

The OP should demand her DD gives her a list of who she knows was at the party and then the OP contacts the parents and spell out to them exactly what happened to/in her home.

Something like this shouldn’t be brushed off as a teenagers being teenagers thing.

Your DD needs to use the same SM channels that advertised the party to try to get your DS’s sports medals back. If they have no monetary worth, hopefully she can appeal to the better nature of whoever took them. Now they are sober, the culprit might be prepared to return them anonymously or for a reward (which your ex can cough up for, seeing as he failed to supervise his 15 daughter properly).

OP she needs to stay at her dad’s for a couple of weeks while you get the house sorted and get your head together. You have a lot of things going on right now. The headache of dealing with this right at this second you don’t need.

After 2 weeks she is allowed home, tell her:

• You will not be paying for her phone contract
• She is tasked with finding and paying for replacement medals
• She is billed for cleaning/furniture repairs. This clearly will take her a long time to pay off. She pays every penny.

You don’t have to have a chat or tell her how disappointed you are.You remain strict and adamant she will find new medals and repay what she owes.

We had something similar but the damage was less. However, we had months of random older boys trying to kick the gate in in the coming months and that traumatised my youngest.
Heres what I’d do. From an immediate practical position, I’d have a conversation with ex and explain that you need him to take some financial responsibility for the situation too. It could have been his house that was trashed. I’d look for a sizeable donation.
I’d not lose my temper with DD but I’d sit her down and explain calmly how angry and violated you feel and how upset you are that she chose to put herself and her family home in such a vulnerable position. I ask her to think about how you feel and how the holiday has been ruined.
I’d then tell her to recount in minute detail everything that happened from the conception of the idea to the police coming and taking her to her dad’s.
This will be the most uncomfortable thing for her. She’ll want to rush through it and minimise it but insist she goes back and explain in detail anything she glosses over. Do not react or try to comfort her if she is in floods of tears (which she will be). This is all part of the learning process. She needs to feel this.
I would then ask her to write a list of everything that was damaged or stolen right down to the last glass. I’d ask her to look up the value of replacing or mending or cleaning everything. This will take her a long time and will focus her on the value of the damage.
I’d then ask her to come up with a plan for compensating DS for the loss of his medals and any other siblings for any loss they suffered.
Once you believe you have the truth out of her you can decide what recompense she has to offer. You might want to involve the other kids and her dad too.
But the idea is that she does the working out/ comes up with solutions. The process of taking responsibility is going to be very difficult for her and it will be both the hardest punishment and the biggest lesson. I really feel for you. I hope you DD learns a really important lesson about consequences and taking responsibility for actions. Good luck

Mostly sending unmumsnetty hugs OP as this sounds awful especially on top of everything else, and you're definitely not unreasonable.

Would also highlight to her the very real dangers of being drunk and unsupervised where there is a pool - the consequences of this party could so easily have been the death of a friend or classmate and that wouldn't be fixable with any amount of cleaning, brick phones or chores.

I hope you're ok and that another client emerges to replace the lost one (also freelance and know how stressful this can be).

I would be raging and so upset. I have adult DCs and whilst they pushed me to the limits at times, nothing as bad as this.

OK... so she lied to her Dad. I would go beserk at that.
She has probably lied again saying she doesn't know which Y11 leavers it was. Course she does.
Talk to her about trust and how it is destroyed and she has to earn it back.
You like her friends but surely they weren't all paralytic? Are they covering for her?

The only thing that worked for my DCs (one in particular who took me to the wire but never anything that bad! She is mid 30s now BTW!) was embarrassment to her friends. I made sure they all knew what DD had done. There was one occasion she let me down taking a boy up to her room. I can't go into detail, there's more to it than just that, but I made sure all her friends knew about this incident. She hated that and never did anything like it again.
I was very verbal to anyone that would listen, public embarrassment if you like!

And then the gatecrashers will no doubt keep watch and knick anything left in the box

I’d be doing the whole ‘I’m so angry, I can’t even look at you right now’ speech along with ‘your being sorry won’t pay for all this damage or get the stolen items back, will it?’.

I’d want to see action coming from her to help clean up, rather than hear apologies. I’d also tell her that while you will eventually forgive her stupidity, you will never forget the feeling of having your home violated in this way.

if she’s going into year 11, she doesn’t get to go to her prom as punishment

Yes, when this happens, they often think the property is a soft touch anyway and often come back.

Wow the damage is horrific. I didn’t know that stuff still happened, how disrespectful

This. She is never left alone in the house, does not have a key and if that means sitting on the doorstep after school until you get home, so be it. Any money she possesses is taken to pay for the damage, including future birthday money or earnings until it is paid off, including compensating her brother for his stolen property.

Any guests you know the names of, speak to their parents.

I think there are two important things that shpuld be addressed before discussion of betrayal, damages, costs & punishment.

A. You've a 15 year old drinking herself into a very vulnerable state. Her safety is paramount. She's lucky she wasn't assaulted, or injured or needed her stomach pumped. Yoy need to have a conversation around safety first.

B. She also needs a plan for when she's in over her head. Not just for occassions like this but any time, she's in trouble or in situations she can't control. This didn't have to escalate to the extent it did if she has been encouraged and thought to pick up the phone "Mum/Dad I did something stupid and I need your help fast".

I was raised to make that call no matter what and ths punishment would be far greater for not making it than the action that led to the situation in the first place.

All the rest can be sorted out afterwards but yoy need to put things it place that ultimately help keep your daughter safe becsuse that is the priority.

"I didn't expect this for another few years"
Why were you expecting it at all, OP? It's not usual, nor is it a rite of passage.

Have jumped in from page 2 but IF you have Accidental Damage cover on your insurance they MAY cover the cost of the damage, depending on the policy wording - hope your DD can face up to this and what her actions led to